5 Things You Have to Know Before You Get Married

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To some people, Till death do us part is a phrase. To others, a sentence.

All jokes aside, marriage is more like a rollercoaster: an exhilarating ride of super-steep ups, neck-breaking downs, and barf-inducing loops; with some people having the time of their lives, and others crying for their mamas and wondering “What was I thinking?”

Thankfully, I consider myself a member of the first group. Since the day I got married, I’ve been having a great time. I’ve laughed out loud, cried in joy, eaten to my heart’s content, and been loved in a way I never thought possible. It’s amazing.

I’ve also been angry, frustrated, sad, and pushed to my limits. But as it turns out, when it comes to marital life, those situations are also part of the journey. Nothing’s perfect, especially marriage. And that’s why I compare it to a rollercoaster: It’s the woohoo! moments combined with the oh-God-save-me! ones that make the whole experience so enjoyable.

The trick lies in understanding that marriage is not all rainbows and unicorns. In fact, marital life is one challenging situation that requires you to know a few hard facts before you mindlessly say "I do."

1. You have to let go of your ego.

Bestselling author Ryan Holiday was right when he wisely said ego is the enemy. And that can also be said about marriages. According to relationship expert and author Eve Hogan, choices driven by pride end up jeopardizing love, turning our relationships into a battle of egos.

There will be times when you’ll have to avoid confrontation — even when you know you’re right — for the sake of harmony and peace. This includes approaching your partner and being willing to forgive each other after an argument, regardless of who started it, or who was to blame for it. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.

The takeaway

Learn to let go of your ego. There’s much more to marriage — and life itself — than proving you’re always right. Forgive, forget, and move on. And when it’s you who’s been in the wrong, recognize your own flaws and work on overcoming them to make your marriage life work.

Pro-tip

If you know your partner is to blame for a bad situation, you should always remain composed and wait until you both are calm to point it out (if you deem it necessary) in a polite, loving, and constructive way. Scolding your partner in the midst of chaos will only make everything much worse.

2. Your decision-making shifts considerably.

Before tying the knot, I was basically living for myself. If there was something I wanted, I’d just go and buy it. Now, every time I intend to purchase something, I think of my wife first, consider what she needs, and ponder if my decision will affect her in any possible way.

Author and motivational speaker Tony Robbins argues that, to have a healthy marriage, each spouse must at least consider their partner when making most decisions, and that when one or both partners are making exclusively unilateral choices, the relationship will suffer.

The takeaway

Your seemingly inconsequential decision can have an impact on your spouse, affecting your marriage. Consider the potential consequences of your choices, and ask for your partner’s opinion before you make them. The bigger the decision, the more your partner should be involved.

Pro-tip

Don’t take this to the extreme. You don’t have to give up your freedom and ask your partner for “permission” to do what you want. Just make sure you take your time to consider how your choices affect your spouse or your marriage, and you both will be fine. In the meantime, it’s fine if you want chocolate sprinkles on your banana-split. Trust me, your partner shouldn’t mind.

3. Couple-life is all about mundane chores.

For the last few weeks, upon waking up every morning, I’ve found myself surrounded by piles of plates to do, garbage to take out, a floor to sweep, and breakfast to be made. Then, as if programmed to do so, I start doing all those things while my wife works remotely — her shift begins at 5:00 a.m. — and try to get them done as soon as I can before I start work.

The thing is, you take on a deluge of new responsibilities the minute you tie the knot. But fret not, for there’s beauty in these apparently boring and tedious activities. Chores help you develop a deeper sense of discipline and commitment, both being necessary traits in marriage. Also, they’re a healthy reminder that you’re grown-up now and that you live in a house that won’t take care of itself.

The takeaway

There’s no such thing as “roles” when it comes to life as a couple. Whatever needs doing, you just do. When you’re both available, do the chores together. When your spouse is busy, then you’re the one in charge. It’s that simple.

Pro-tip

The 50–50 chore-distribution policy is an obsolete model now. Instead, determine which one of you has the more time-consuming contractual obligations, and distribute the housework and errands accordingly. That’s real equality for you right there.

4. You will never fully know a person until you’ve lived with them.

When you move in with your partner— whether you’re married or not — you’ll finally see them without the social mask they wear every day, revealing their most vulnerable side. You’ll discover what they look like in their least glamorous moments, you’ll notice some habits (both good and bad) you never imagined they had, and you’ll learn how they respond when their stress levels peak.

The takeaway

Moving together is a real game-changer, as it reveals certain hidden aspects of your partner’s character. Be mentally prepared for it, for that’s when you will see them at their absolute worst, which may lead to tension and conflict in the near future (more on this in the next point).

Pro-tip

This is normal. Don’t jump into conclusions thinking you’ve married someone you don’t know. Just bear in mind there will always be traits to your partner that will slowly unveil themselves, and some others that you may never even get to see. Take the time to rediscover your partner every day, and be ready and willing to adjust their traits as they emerge.

5. Conflict doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed.

Marriage, especially during its first year, can be challenging. According to psychotherapist Carlos Carmona-Goyena, Ph.D., “the first year of marriage is sometimes the hardest because you have to move in with a new person, adjust to their tastes, preferences, habits, and their lifestyle.” This adaptation period often leads to never-ending conflicts over trivial issues, such as keeping the washroom clean.

My wife and I don’t always see things eye to eye, and that sometimes leads to arguments. However, we don’t take these events as signs that our marriage isn’t working. According to the Institute for Family Studies, marriage, by definition, involves challenges and conflict. You simply can’t expect two people with unique values, preferences, backgrounds, and biases not to argue from time to time.

The takeaway

Just because you’re arguing more often than you used to when you were dating, doesn’t mean you’ve made a bad decision by taking the plunge. So the next time you’re considering calling your lawyer, take a deep breath and remember that living together as a couple inevitably leads to a fair amount of conflict. There’s no escaping that.

Pro-tip

Communication and empathy are crucial in dealing with conflict. Remember the first point of this list — let go of your ego — and put yourself in the shoes of your partner. That will give you a clearer understanding of their position on the issue at hand, making it easier for you to work it out together.

Bottom line

When we’re young, naive, and in love, we tend to fantasize about marriage as a never-ending slumber-party of games, fun, and physical intimacy with our very best friend. The reality, however, is that life as a couple can be hard. Really hard. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun, but difficult, nonetheless.

In the end, perhaps the main reason why we find conjugal life difficult is that none of us enters marriage being fully prepared for it. That, combined with our unrealistic expectations about it, leads to disappointment down the road, and in some cases, to rushed decisions that end up in an unnecessary divorce.

The key lies in keeping in mind that you’re both flawed individuals, and as such, perfect harmony is an unattainable goal. But that’s the beauty of it: to hold hands in the face of adversity and remind each other that, even though things will never be perfect, you’re not alone in this journey of life.

That’s my main takeaway in this first year of marriage. Till death do us part.

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