Berkeley Marina Welcomes Socially Distanced Silent Disco

Photo by Heidi Kaden on Unsplash

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

Coming your way on Sunday, April 4 is a completely made-up socially distanced silent disco.

The Berkeley Marina has never seen something so sonically advanced and exciting.

Want to come? Read on for this completely fictional event that could still, in theory, take place.

Most Easter Sundays are filled with church services, family and friends, brunches, and the Easter Bunny.

This year, things will look a little bit different.

Which is why local clergy, local DJs, and city officials have banded together to create a one-of-a-kind music festival at the Berkeley Marina.

Learn all about the event’s venue and program below.

The Berkeley Marina

Normally, the Berkeley Marina is a location where families can swing on the swings, couples can kiss while watching the sunset over the San Francisco skyline, and folks with boats can fish or take naps or something.

In recent years, since the pier and HS Lordships were closed, the Berkeley Marina has gotten a bit quieter.

Now, locals can enjoy a special silent disco for all ages.

That’s right—all you need is a pair of headphones and the willingness to bust a move.

Families with kids of all ages, college students, high school students, and even middle school students are welcome at this special event. And, yes, regular adults with no children are welcome, provided they maintain a six-foot distance from all other human beings.

The marina will be open all the way to the waterfront from the Seabreez café.

“Folks will be able to dance all along the road, provided they don’t stumble into one of those huge potholes along the road,” said Berkeley local and event co-organizer, Sailor Jimmy.

“The Marina is a place of wonders. Just be careful you don’t stumble upon a marina ghost or someone who is pretending not to live in their boat but who actually is. Keep an eye out, is all we’re saying!” Jimmy said.

Berkeley Survey Shows People Don’t Go to the Marina

A fictional survey showed that 30% of Berkeley residents had never even visited the Berkeley Marina. “It’s just not something on our radar,” said Berkeley Hills resident Tammy Fire. “We don’t generally go down there, much as we enjoy the water views and the sunset, to boot.”

Right on, Tammy. Please don’t come to this event.

An additional 25% of Berkeley residents had been to the Berkeley Marina once, but had a questionable experience.

“Adventure Playground is quite dangerous,” said Tammy’s neighbor Joannie. “The rusty nails? We can’t trust our children to attend such a place. But sailing, we do love the sailing club down there.”

Berkeley residents, whether they’ve been to the marina before or not, whether they’ve been sailing or kitesurfing or metal detecting or not, have decided to attend this hopefully once-in-a event at the marina—the disco.

Here is the official order of events. Read on below for a sneak peek of how event planning is going.

The Order of Events

Folks are encouraged to visit the marina shortly after 11 am to be fitted for their headphones and to enjoy a complimentary fake crab meat brunch with real freshly squeezed lemonade made with local Meyer lemons.

Kid-friendly fictional events include Adventure Playground scuba diving, friendly paintball games, mini-golf, hide-and-seek with the Easter Bunny, and even a make-shift merry-go-round made with local materials we found in various Berkeley scrapyards.

There are more of them than you’d expect. Material sourced include windmills, seesaws, and nails and screws, not to mention half-finished art projects made by Berkeley moms.

Shortly after noon, folks will be welcome to dance to the sweet beats of Eazy-E and Jewel while enjoying a water balloon fight with local EBMUD-approved water.

“Is it water or wastewater? We’ll never tell!” said a local representative, who preferred to remain anonymous. “Just have fun and remember not to get the headphones wet.

Local DJs will be present at the event, mixing new beats and playing radio hits, something for everyone.

Folks who are still sleeping during the day are welcome to join A Silent Disco After Hours event after sunset around 8:30 pm.

“This is for more of a 21-and-up audience who are willing to risk being mugged at the Marina. We know you’re out there, so come on out and let’s carefully dance the night away.”

Overall, we’re thrilled to take part in this upcoming fictional event, where we hope there’ll be an alien cameo and maybe a caricaturist!

But who is footing the bill?

Berkeley Pays to Keep Residents Happy

“We’ve been siphoning Berkeley taxpayer money to pay for this event, to be completely honest,” said Berkeley official Smoozy Shmizz, a formerly unknown elected official who claims they won their race “fair and square.”

The taxpayer money has been collected over the past year, ever since residents have been complaining about low COVID-19 cases mixed with high requirements to stay indoors.

“We figure this is a good treat for folks who have been sheltering-in-place and doing a great job of paying their taxes.” Said Shmizz.

But what about folks who don’t want to participate?

“We’ll be staging a protest right alongside the silent disco,” said local Berkeley mom Shirly Chimils.

“We really don’t want to be satisfied with anything, so we’re going to continue being dissatisfied and teaching our children how to protest various things.”

Berkeley kids whose parents are protesting this event will not be permitted to play in the silent disco, water fight, and other festivities.

So, there’ll be a special mini-event for kids whose parents are protesting.

“These children will be invited to a reading nook containing all their parents’ favorite books, like Atlas Shrugged, and maybe a few classics like Little Women.

“We’re thrilled the whole city will be at the event, even people who don’t think we should be holding it and are therefore protesting. I guess it’s a win-win.”

See you at this fictional event! If you actually plan to attend, comment below and we can plan a fictional-turned-real Berkeley Marina shin-dig.

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