Assault at Target Express in Berkeley

Photo by Franki Chamaki on Unsplash

At approximately 3:00 p.m. PST on Wednesday, March 31, Berkeley police received a report of a woman who assaulted someone at Target Express and fled north.

While the previous is true, the rest of this article will be pure conjecture and hopefully, for anyone feeling a little restless these days, some gentle humor.

Now, the Citizen app crime report leaves much to the imagination. Details are few and questions are many.

Here are the questions we would ask this woman (though that feels like an assumption and we don’t like it) about the crime:

1. Did you assault a Target employee or shopper?

2. Did you know this person?

3. Are they a dirty cheater?

4. Is it possible you mistook this person for someone else?

5. How did the assault take place?

6. What led up to it?

7. Was anything in Target Express damaged? That store is so small, we figure it’s likely.

8. Are you available for a press conference?

9. Would you commit the same crime at regular-sized Target, say, in Albany or Emeryville?

10. Were you in fact fleeing north to the Target in Albany to strike once more?

Are there other questions to ask? Certainly. In theory, the victim would also have things to say. A defensive or offensive statement, surely.

But we can’t know. The news is scarce these days, and our Target Express beat wasn’t available for comment. They’d gotten distracted at Berkeley Public Library, picking up some books on hold.

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