When siblings act as parents, the impacts are long lasting

"Parentification" of children can be destructive to the entire family.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Talk to any oldest child and they'll tell you stories of taking care of their siblings. From babysitting to changing diapers to walking kids to school, it's naturally assumed that as the oldest, the sibling will look out for those who come behind.

But in some families caring for siblings goes beyond merely "helping out". Siblings may take on a larger role, doing everything from being a primary caregiver to cooking for them to protecting them from abusive parents. When siblings become parents, there are long-term consequences not only for the sibling doing the parenting, but also those they care for.

Psychologists call this "destructive parentification". An article from The Awareness Centre describes it like this:

Parentification was defined by Boszormenyi-Nagy & Spark in 1973 as being the distortion or lack of boundaries between and among family subsystems, such that children take on the roles and responsibilities usually reserved for adults...a parentified child becomes the parent to their siblings or even their parents. They grow up too quickly as a result of their parent’s inability or unwillingness to fulfil responsibilities in the home. Their parent(s) might have an addiction, they might have a disability, they might be neglectful, or they might simply be working too many hours trying to provide financially for the family. A child can become a parentified child due to the death or divorce of their parents.

Numerous studies have shown that when kids take on the role of parents it can leave emotional scars, impact the child's development, and lead to anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and other psychological distress. That's why it's important to recognize that parentification has taken place, and look for ways to move past it.

Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

A few years ago I was on a vacation with my siblings. My younger brother started climbing up some large rocks and I immediately felt panicked.

"Be careful, you'll fall," I told him in a frantic voice. "Get down!"

"I'm 42 years old," he responded in annoyance, "I don't need you to be my mom anymore."

His words gave me pause. I realized at that moment that I'd been parenting him and my sister the whole vacation. Making all the arrangements, choosing the restaurants, reminding my siblings to bring sunscreen -- it was second nature to me to do that because I'd been doing it my whole life.

There's not as much research on destructive parentification, but experts agree that parentification is likely similar to other types of childhood trauma. Like all trauma, its impacts last into adulthood.

That's why my brother's point was important for our relationship. It was time for me -- and them -- to acknowledge that my siblings are grown up. They can manage themselves. We needed to develop new relationships that are not based on my parenting them.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Adults who have experienced parentification -- either by serving in the parent role or being parented by a sibling who may only be a few years older -- will need to consciously move past the childhood roles assigned to them and create new relationships.

If younger siblings typically defer to the oldest, give them the chance to be "in charge" of something. Be aware of any tendency for addiction or destructive behavior, including co-dependency. Get to know your siblings as the adults they are, and make a conscious effort to move past those childhood roles and create a new relationship that is built on a more equal footing.

#relationships #parenting

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