Satire: Is Your Relationship About to Crash and Burn?

Look for these telltale signs.

Get a GPS.Photo byCartoon by Lambert-King

I can’t believe how many people have asked me for relationship advice. I believe the actual number is zero. But, I can't let that stop me. No telling how many people out there can benefit from my powers of observation. Or at least read this story while the meter is running.

One of the more devastating of all human experiences is being dumped by someone you care about. Seeing the breakup coming can help soften the blow. With that in mind, here are some signs you’re about to be dumped.

1: You hear your girlfriend say, “I’ll take him to the country. He’ll get to run and play at my uncle’s farm.”

At first, you think she’s talking about her old dog, and then you realize she doesn’t have a dog. You also notice that she’s driving you towards her uncle’s farm. Be especially worried if she asked you to wear overalls.

2: He breaks out a coupon when he takes you out to dinner.

It’s even worse when it’s a two-for-one coupon and you’re in the Burger King drive-thru.

3: You can see the handwriting on the wall.

Especially when that handwriting is his or her old boyfriend/girlfriend’s phone number. If you see your number showing up in a public restroom, that may also be something to be worried about.

4: You find yourself role-playing.

No, not that type of role-playing. This isn’t that type of article. But if you find yourself feeling like you have to go along with stuff you really don’t like, it can be a warning sign.

For guys, this may involve watching Lifetime movies. For women, it may involve trying to decide how the ears blew a pass coverage. If you want to suffer to be with someone you care about, ok. Just let them know it isn’t you. Some people think that being in a relationship means being miserable with someone you’re interested in. After all,shared misery can be the foundation of a strong relationship.

5: All of his conversations involve small talk.

And by small talk, I mean midget wrestling. And yes, he insists on using the term “midget” instead of “little people.” Not only is he shallow, but he’s also politically incorrect, and he no longer cares enough to hide it.

6: You want him to share his life with you. He wants you to share your liver with him.

If he asks you if you’re an organ donor early in the relationship, that may be a warning sign. Be especially cautious if he asked about your liver and you note he drinks a lot.

This situation has the potential to be especially devastating. If you agree to give him part of your liver, and then he dumps you after receiving said liver, it’s terrible. If his body subsequently rejects your liver, it’s insult to injury.The dreaded double rejection.

7: You feel compelled to read articles about signs you might get dumped.

If you feel like you’re close to getting dumped, there’s a good chance you are. If you constantly hound your romantic interest about the chances of being dumped, you will be.

8: You find yourself identifying with the Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction.

At this point, it’s time to get professional help. If you are having homicidal thoughts about bunnies, you’re a threat to society.

9: His bathroom habits have changed.

When you first started dating, he was too embarrassed to pass gas in front of you. Now he doesn't even bother to close the door when he goes to the bathroom.

10: He/She seems distant.

Mostly because he/she has moved, left no forwarding address, and changed their phone number.

At this point, don’t worry about getting dumped, it’s happened.

Did you find these items helpful? Hopefully so. Just think of me as Dr. Phil with hair, and no ex-wives.