Satire: 12 Things to Do When You're Old

I hope the excitement isn't too much for me.

Unstable starPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

As we get older we find ourselves making concessions to old age. For example, I played full-court basketball into my early 50s. Now I try to catch an NBA playoff game without going to sleep.I find even my sense of taste is diminishing.That’s why I find pastries and sweets, in general, to be so appealing. So I tell myself. While things I’ve found to be enjoyable in the past are becoming distant memories I’m finding ways to compensate.

Since my abilities have changed over the years, so have my pastimes. Below are some thingsto do when we get older.

1: Watching out for the early warning signs of the disease that’s going to do you in.

This kind of information seems to find its way into my various timelines.It’s a full-time job just watching out for the insidious stuff that's going to do me in.Maybe that’s why I am always tired and find myself taking a lot of naps.

Being on guard 24/7 is exhausting. But if the first thing on this list is bad, the second thing is worse.

2: Watching for the signs of the late stages of the disease that is going to do you in.

This is getting perilously close to the, “How long have I got, Doc” portion of your life. It’s really depressing to find out your name is popping up in yourfriend’sdead pools. Especially when you realize you might not have enough time to make a new set of friends.

3: Play, “Guess Who Died’ with your spouse.

This could be a friend, relative, or celebrity. You can play it like a TV game show. You can be allowed 10 guesses or questions to successfully determine who your spouse is talking about.

4: Wait for your cataracts to ripen.

I got invited to this party after my last visit to the ophthalmologist. He told me I had the beginnings of cataracts, but that they weren’t ready for harvesting. So, does that mean when the next time I see him he will thump my eyes and listen to hear if they sound ripe? Will he wait for a crew of migrant workers to harvest them?

5: Become cynical.

Last night I saw a picture of an old guy who saw the reflection of a young guy in the mirror. He was thinking, ‘People can’t see I’m young on the inside.” How sweet and insightful. Yet I find myself disagreeing.

I thought I bet his autopsy will say he was old on the inside too.

6: Speculate on what celebrities have had work done.

That would explain why they look better than you. Unless it was bad work and then you can talk about their vanity went bad.

7: Rail against technology.

Those of us in the know realize technology has ruined life as we knew it. Things would have been so much better if technology had stopped with the invention of the TV remote. And satellite TV and radio. And maybe a few other things I like.

8: Look for people your age that look worse than you.

Here’s a surefire way to boost sagging self-esteem. Of course your self-esteem is sagging, everything else is.Finding people your age that look worse than you is like cosmetic surgery for your ego.

9: Start looking back on your life for accomplishments.

Depending on your life, this can be an exhausting process.If your life has been a little light on accomplishments, you may learn about spin.

I know, we don’t want to learn anything new, but sometimes it’s necessary. If you don’t know much about spin, I suggest you watch Fox News. Not, wait, scratch that. I can’t bring myself to suggest anybody watch Fox News.

10: Play, “What’s that person’s name?

You can do this when watching TV and you see an actor who you’ve seen in various programs.You can also play this game when you see people you haven’t seen in years.As time goes on, you can play this game where the person in question is a family member. The older you get, the more the list subjects in question grows.

11: You can also play, ‘Where Did I Put That?”

You put something away, and then forget where you put it. Generally, you play this game with your spouse, or any other poor shmoe you can get to the play.The game is over when you find the misplaced object.

12: Or, you can play a variation of, “Where Did I Put That?” called “Where Did You Put That?”

This is the more adversarial form of the game.This game is played when some important paperwork has been misplaced. By saying, “Where did “you” put that?’ you subtly shift the blame. Well, maybe not so subtly. at least my wife has never found it to be subtle. To those of you who have read my stuff, this can be what I call a “three-dayer.”

So, how are you currently spending your time?