Satire: Are These Well Known "Facts" Actually Myths?

Let me present some alternative Facts.

Block informationPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

We are bombarded with conflicting so-called facts. This happens now more than at any time in my lifetime. But it seems like we’ve been fed misinformation throughout our lives, starting when we were just starting school. Here are some things we may have assumed were basic truths, but probably are not so much. Let's consider some of these so-called facts.

1: Belief: Lightning never strikes in the same place twice.

That’s very bogus. The Empire State Building got hit eight times in 24 minutes, but I have a philosophical question.If a guy gets hit by lightning in Oklahoma and later gets hit again in Florida, Is he the place or is geographical place the place?

2: Belief: Some people are left-brained and some people are right-brained.

Actually, the two sides of the brain work together. There are, however, halfwits.

3: Belief: A defibrillator can jump-start a stopped heart.

They are used to help irregular heartbeats.If a heart is completed stopped, call AAA.Wait, being told somebody might take that seriouslyso here is a disclaimer.If somebody’s heart stops, don’t call AAA, call 911.

4: Belief: Hair and nails continue to grow after a person dies.

Naw, dead people don’t start looking like old Howard Hughes before he died.Actually, what happens is skin shrinks.

5: Belief: Microwaves can give you cancer.

The microwave process has no effect on human cells.And is it really unlikely that a product that gives humans cancer would be so readily available to the public?

What’s that? What about cigarettes? Let me study on that.

6: Belief: Daddy longlegs are very dangerous.

Nope. There are two types of grandaddies, one isn’t venomous and the other has never bitten a human.They are, however, great dancers.

7: Belief: The moon has a dark side.

Sure the moon is moody and hasdealt with substance abuse issues. Wait, that’s not what is being talked about. The moon has a far side, but not a dark side.

8: Belief: You can be killed by a penny that falls from the top of the Empire State Building.

But you can damage your eye if you are looking up watching out for falling pennies and get hit in the eye by one.

9: Belief: Dogs pant in lieu of sweating.

Actually, dogs sweat through their foot pads.That’s why you might want to buy your dog some odor eaters.

10: Belief: Sugar makes kids hyper.

In reality, sugar can make the consumer feel tired and sad. However, the excitement of getting candy can make them hyper.

11: Belief: Abner Doubleday invented baseball.

In 1938 Congress recognized Alexander Cartwright as the game’s creator.Cartwright was actually trying to come up with a cure for insomnia. The current version of the game fits the bill.

12: Belief: Thomas Crapper inventor the flushing toilet.

The flushing toilet had already been invented by the time Crapper was making his name in plumbing.Plus, the word crap actually comes from the French word for waste, crappe.So when it comes to crap, Crapper really didn’t have squat.

13: Belief: Vincent Van Gogh sliced off his own ear.

In 2009 two German historians came across a book that reports Van Gogh’s friend, Paul Gauguin, actually sliced off Van Gogh’s ear while they were fencing.

Both guys reportedly decided to keep the facts silent. I’m not sure why Van Gogh went with the story, but the two did have a falling out. After Van Gogh’s ear had a falling off.

14: Belief: A cow started the Great Chicago Fire.

Actually, the fire was caused by hot, windy conditions coupled with wooden buildings that easily caught on fire.Cows get blamed for everything. Today, they are blamed for the loss of the earth’s ozone because of their farts. As I’ve said before, cows need better PR.

15: Belief: Marie Antoinette said, “Let Them Eat Cake.”

It seems that was a quote from another royal, probably long before Marie Antoinette came on the scene. Marie actually said, “No Soup for you!” Wait, quote from the wrong person.