Satire: Never Look Down Your Nose at A Nudist and Other Rules to Live By

These rules can change your life. (Not necessarily for the better.)

Lower standardsPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

I’ve lived a fairly long time now. Over the years, I learned a lot. Most of which I've forgotten. But there are some core ideas that have remained with me. Out of courtesy to my fellow man, I’ll share these. It would also be nice if they make a buck for me. So, here are some rules to live by:

1: Never look down your nose at a nudist.

This is true figuratively and literally. Generally speaking, it’s not a good idea to be judgemental. When dealing with a nudist, looking done your nose is fraught with all sorts of danger.

You might not like what you see. Or you might like what you see. Either outcome can be problematic. Also, don’t laugh. And especially don’t laugh and point. On to the next rule.

2: Be yourself. Unless you’re Rich Little. Or a general pain in the rear.

As for that Rich Little thing, Rich is more entertaining when he’s somebody else.

If you’re a pain to be around, think of somebody more pleasant and try to be them.

3: Remember, beauty is only skin deep.

Wait, I have to think about that one. If beauty is only skin deep, why do people pay for implants? I’ll get back to you on this one.

4: Welcome change.

After all, you get enough change, it turns into dollars.

As for other types of change, when diapers are full, they obviously need to be changed. As shown by these examples, change can be good.

5: Don’t forget about your inner child.

Also, don’t forget about any outer children you may have. The DHS frowns on that sort of thing and custody may become an issue.

6: Give credit where credit is due.

This is especially true when lending money. If you loan money to a deadbeat don’t be surprised or mad if you don’t get it back. This rule is especially important for loan officers.

7: Hard work never hurt anyone.

So they say. Personally, I’m going to wait until they have done more studies on this before I jump on board. I’m not sure thousands of years of evidence is enough.

8: Tell people “I love you” and give hugs frequently.

You’ll be amazed at the amount of restaining orders you can pile up in a short amount of time.

9: Follow your heart.

This is especially true if you are the recipient of a heart transplant. You want a GPS tracking the donated heart every step of the way. If you’re the donor, there’s really no need, or way to follow your heart.

10: Have a positive outlook. Count your blessings, not your problems.

You’ll find you have a lot more time on your hands that way.

11: Laugh a lot. For no apparent reason.

You’ll find people will give you more space and be a little bit leary of messing with you. Plus, it’s fun to watch people’s reaction.

12: Laugh at yourself. Even if your jokes are bad.

Sometimes I think that if I don’t laugh at my own jokes, who will?

13: Don’t be afraid to take financial risks.

As the saying goes, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Just a clarifying thought on that, it’s best if you take financial risks with other people’s money.

14: Go the extra mile for people.

Especially if you’re driving a cab. While some people shun visitors, be hospitable to them. Show them the town. Even if they haven’t asked to see it. And keep the meter running.

15: Greet the morning with a smile.

It’s easier to brush your teeth that way. After that, you can deal with the morning any way you’d like.

16: Remember, the last shall be first, and find solace in that.

Especially if your favorite pro sports team finishes last, or if you finished last in your fantasy football league. They/you are in line for the first draft pick next year. Unless they’ve already traded that pick.

17: Don’t expect perfection from others. Or yourself for that matter.

If you find yourself at a Taco Bell drive-thru while driving your 20-year-old car, your choices probably haven’t been perfect. Cut other people some slack.

18: Live in the moment.

And make sure that moment isn’t from 40–50 years ago. Otherwise, you’ll be constantly frustrated.

19: Give, not with the idea of getting something in return.

That’s especially true if you put something in my Ko-fi account. You’ll feel better. And so will I.

20: Redefine success.

It’s much easier to redefine success than it is to actually achieve success. Don’t wear yourself out by chasing what you can’t catch.

So, there are 20 rules to live by. Who knows, some of them may even make your life better.