Why Is It So Hard? I Prefer Asking How

Several years ago I heard Bill Clinton speak in Chicago to a group of nonprofit leaders. He challenged us to ask the question “How?” rather than the question “Why?”

I gave up searching for “whys” many years ago. “Whys” could include any of the following questions:

· Why did Dad die of heart disease?

· Why did Mom get Alzheimer’s?

· Why did he leave the company?

· Why didn’t I save more money?

· Why did she drop out of school?

There are great mysteries in life that I will never completely understand, so I choose to focus on “how.” I look for “how” everywhere. I ask:

· How can we make what happened work in our lives?

· How can we move forward?

· How can I help?

· How can I find the solution?

I still search for an occasional “why” every now and then. I don’t think we can completely rid ourselves of the “whys.” Yet, I prefer the “hows,” because they empower me and give me a proactive attitude regarding change.

Our attitude is not something we are born with. That’s good news, because it means we can shape it in ways that help us instead of hinder us. In fact, our attitude is the only element in our lives over which we have total control. And the most powerful way to shape our attitudes is to carefully choose our language when we talk to others and ourselves.

The words we choose and the questions we ask either support us or sabotage us. Throughout centuries, words have created wars and great love affairs. Our words, whether spoken, written or thought privately, have a direct effect on how we view the world and ourselves.

We can choose to describe a job loss as a professional crisis or an opportunity to move into a more rewarding career. We can describe a divorce as a personal failure or a needed wakeup call. We can conclude that a financial setback is permanent or purely temporary. The language we use paints word pictures that become our reality.

Three questions help me stay focused on constructive responses instead of panicky reactions. The resulting language helps me concentrate on what I can do instead of what I can’t.

· What’s the good news in this situation? This question itself tells your mind and your attitude that there is a positive side just waiting to be uncovered. The question focuses mental energy on finding an optimistic instead of a pessimistic interpretation.

· What actions could I take that would benefit all involved? This question reminds you that while you may not control what’s happened, you control how you respond to what’s happened. It helps you concentrate on actions that serve you and others instead of going to the dark side and wallowing in how unfair or undeserved this situation may be.

· Who or what could help me out in this situation? This question helps you remember that you are never alone. The world is filled with people who can help you resolve your issues if you’ll just ask for their assistance.

Are you facing something daunting in your life right now? Answer the three questions. They can help you move from a “Woe is me” reaction to a “What can I do?” response. They can take you from the “Why me?” to “How can I move forward?”

By Bob Mueller | Photo by Khamkeo Vilaysing

P.S. Here’s another uplifting article by Bob.