Smith: Empowered kids best defense against those who intend harm

Forensic psychologists specialize in analyzing the behavior of individuals who violate the law, offering valuable insights to law enforcement agencies.

Dr. Michael Bourke has garnered international recognition for his expertise in understanding and assessing sexual offenders. With more than three decades of experience, he has evaluated more than 1,000 sexual offenders and played a key role in establishing the U.S. Marshal's Service Behavioral Analysis Unit.

I was introduced to Dr. Bourke through the “Chasing Evil” podcast episode “Inside the Mind of a Child Predator” (see chasingevilpodcast.com). Despite the intricate nature of his work, Dr. Bourke provides accessible insights into complex issues, offering straightforward advice for parents.

While Bourke acknowledges that “grooming” by child sexual abusers can be nuanced and complicated, it's also simply an offender worming their way past a child’s defenses and those of the people around them.

The pedophile’s initial step is to select an ideal victim they believe they can abuse in the future.

This is followed by working to identify a need to exploit. With neglected children it could be a practical need like food or clothing. For other children who lack emotional support, it could be a need for attention or affirmation.

Pedophiles carefully assess the child’s needs, especially in relation to their parents, before exploiting them. Eventually, they begin pushing boundaries, gradually escalating their actions before retreating and repeating the process.

The first boundary they usually push involves desensitizing children to sexual content. This process often begins with seemingly harmless behaviors like sexual jokes and inappropriate stories, eventually escalating to exposure to sexual images. This step often involves secrecy. The predator may warn the child that there could be consequences if anyone were to discover their actions.

To counteract this, Bourke advises parents to educate their children about the dangers of keeping secrets from them. Teaching the distinction between surprises, which are harmless and enjoyable, and secrets, which can pose risks to their safety, is crucial.

The next boundary pedophiles push involves desensitizing the child to touch, beginning with innocent contact such as a fist bump, an arm around a child, or tussling a child’s hair before escalating to more provocative contact.

As the grooming advances, traps are set for the child, with the predator either reframing their actions as something desired by the child or threatening the child. This reframing undermines the child's believability should they disclose what's happening to them.

Bourke points out that the grooming process can occur either rapidly or over an extended period of time. He provides an extreme example of a short timeline: a child persuaded by an online predator within an hour to send a picture of themselves, which could then be used to blackmail the child into further victimization. This situation sometimes can lead to severe consequences like a child committing suicide.

Rourke emphasizes that relying solely on external safeguards won’t keep your kids safe. For example, installing software on a child's phone may appear to be a solution. But Rourke explains that this may not be sufficient — especially considering that your child may use others’ devices, such as during a sleepover.

Rourke urges parents to build protective bonds connecting them with their children. He stresses the importance of having a simple, yet crucial, conversation with your child.

Tell your child that if anyone ever says or does anything to make them feel weird or uncomfortable, they should come tell you. Promise them that they will never get in trouble for doing so.

Also, remind your child that even if they have done something that maybe they shouldn’t have, they can still come to you for help without facing punishment.

By empowering children to speak up about anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, including online interactions or inappropriate physical contact, parents may stop the harm before it happens.

Rourke’s best advice is to educate yourself and your child and have a relationship so your kid will tell you anything.

A closing thought for parents: The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children provides a wealth of age-appropriate books, games, and videos to help you to empower your kids to practice safe behaviors. For more information, see missingkids.org.