Satire: Financial Types for the Bold

Use these tips at your own risk.

Finacial advisorPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

A long, long time ago, in a faraway place, I had a decent chunk of money in a 401 K plan. When I say decent amount of money, I’m going by Lambert standards, not TV people looking to retire while putting their kids through college and spending summers in Europe money. I’m talking about buying a trailer in Florida and living on social security while not slinging fries at McDonald’s money.

Anyway, I had this trailer money being managed by an investment firm. This was circa 2008. You might remember that time as the era when the stock market tanked and people were vying for a good place to stay under highway overpasses. I told my money manager to put my stuff in as conservative investments as possible.

She put it in a moderately conservative portfolio. Not an extremely conservative portfolio. I lost about 14% of my money. And I came out better than many.

I see companies advertising wealth management.Most of the people I know need poverty management.With that in mind, here are some things you might not know about investments.

1: Not all investment firms hire only finance majors.

Other skills are helpful. People like computer science majors are also potential hires. I believe the investment firm I used employed a guy who cornered the cigarette market in his cellblock while he was doing time. It was a transferable skill.

2: Some financial consulting jobs require an old-school type interview.

You may be asked to explain a financial statement, or define terms like “working capital” and “goodwill”. If you define goodwill as the place where you get your clothes, you probably won’t get the job.

3: Politicians seem to be better at investing than investing counselors.

Ever notice how so many politicians are able to parlay their salaries of hundreds of thousands of dollars into millions of dollars? How do they do it? Savvy investments. In recent years we’ve had examples of some of the nation's leaders who were astute enough to reposition their money in such a way as to extract maximin profit from the pandemic.

This financial acumen transcends party bounds as members of both political parties are to gorge themselves at the nation's financial trough.

4: Historically, speaking, the longer you hold on to your stocks, the less likely they will be to lose money.

To think, if I had held on to some of those loser stocks I had until I’m 112, I might not have lost money. My bad.

5: You don’t need to have a lot of money to invest.

Not all investment counselors are high rollers. Some will even take widows' social security checks. Remember, you can’t win if you don’t play! Oh wait, that’s a slogan for another industry.

6: The three major types of investments are: stocks, bonds, cash equivalents.

Or with the people I’ve worked with: cigarettes, food stamps, and liquor.

7: Choose a bank with name recognition.

I’m not necessarily talking about a bank with a nationally recognized name, I’m talking about a bank whose name you can remember. Here’s why that’s so important. My sister-in-law mentioned her bank was hard to keep up with because its street name and online name were different.

That’s why I bank at PNC. I don’t know if it’s the best bank or not, but I can remember it.

8: If a chart of your investment earnings looks like the EKG of an irregular heartbeat, reexamine your portfolio.

You might also want to get with your cardiologist.

9: Buy low and sell high is a good investment theory.

Keep in mind, with this theory, we’re talking about the investment, not the investor.Buying when you’re high and selling when you are low or depressed is not a good idea.

10: Diversification won’t necessarily protect your money.

Is it harder to pick ten losers than one? Sure. Does it mean it can’t be done? No. You probably know some people whose dating life is proof of that. Some people never get it right. I expect that’s also true of investing.

Remember, this article is a piece of satire, not an investment piece. But if it helps you, feel free to tip me.