Ghosted Distant Grandpa

While trying to reconnect with his 11-year-old granddaughter, a distant grandpa ends up being ghosted and feels disconnected again. Advice columnist Amy Dickinson weighs in.

Dear Amy,

I am a 62-year-old man, needing advice regarding my daughter and 11-year-old granddaughter, who live across the country.

Eighteen months ago, I flew out to visit.

My granddaughter wanted a “yes” day where I would take her for a fun-filled day. We had a fantastic time. I tried to shower her with love and attention.

Feeling a reconnection, with my daughter’s blessing, I purchased her a cellphone so we could stay in touch.

After the trip, I tried to reach out, only to be ghosted by my granddaughter.

I brought this up with my daughter, who cynically informed me that my granddaughter is quite busy and perhaps we could arrange for a monthly Zoom meeting. But I really had visions of talking one-on-one with this child, as I felt a growing bond which I wanted to nurture.

My daughter obviously wanted to supervise her phone calls, which I thought was controlling. She mailed me the phone back with a nasty letter. This upset me greatly.

It has been 18 months with no contact.

A Christmas or birthday present is always acknowledged with a short, curt text from my daughter – never my granddaughter.

My relationship has always been strained due to my divorce 25 years ago, but it was a fantastic visit and we got along quite well, so I am at a loss, Amy.

I go with the flow and am not a curmudgeon in any way.

Any advice on how to proceed?

– Distant Grandpa

Dear Distant:

This visit went very well. But you live across the country. To your granddaughter, you are a nice old man whom she doesn’t know very well.

I don’t know of many adolescents who would be able to forge a one-on-one relationship with a distant grandfather over the phone. Kids generally prefer texting. Texting photos and funny memes back and forth from your phone to hers would have been a good way to establish a connection.

Your daughter’s suggestion for a regular Zoom meeting was a great one.

Your immediate assumption that she wants to “monitor” your contact is off-base. Most parents know that kids this age don’t easily dive into relationship-building; the parent’s presence on the video chat helps to move things along because they can prompt both the child and the elder into topics of mutual interest.

You have put a ton of pressure on this single visit to build one relationship and heal another, but even close and functioning families go through rough patches and miscommunications.

I hope you’ll keep trying to connect, and not take things so personally as you go.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune ’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from a distant grandpa to post-retirement chores and driving mom to church . Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

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