He Lied About Being a Veteran

A man sorely regrets that he lied to his family for decades about being a veteran and wants to come clean. See what advice columnist Amy Dickinson says.

Dear Amy:

For the past 50 years, I have lied that I was in the military and served in Vietnam.

I’m now 71. I want to come clean with my son and family.

I ran away from a bad home life at 13 and lived on the streets. It was horrible. I was beaten up and sexually attacked. I tried to commit suicide twice. My self-esteem was so low for many years. It still is.

I met a woman (she was older than me) and we had a son.

I believe this is around the time when I started lying that I had been in the military.

I was drafted for the army during the Vietnam War, but didn’t pass the physical. I felt ashamed and embarrassed.

So, later on when guys got together and started telling war stories, I joined in with mine. Lies. I kept telling more lies to cover the first one.

I’m so afraid my son and grandson would be so disappointed in me for lying for so long.

Also, my health is not that great, and I’m scared that if something happens, my son will go to the VA for help. I don’t want him to find out that way.

I have never used my lie to gain anything from the VA. I kept this lie within my family, but of course they told others, which made my lie worse.

I want them to know the truth but don’t want to lose them or be looked at as a liar and disrespected for the rest of my life.

Can you help?

– Living a Lie

Dear Living:

I think it’s vital that you understand that the most important respect you can earn is self-respect. The way to gain more respect for yourself is to understand your original motivations for this lie, and choose to make things right.

Telling the truth now will be hard to do, but it will liberate you from the burden you’ve been carrying. The truth will also liberate your son from unknowingly perpetuating this lie later on.

Telling the truth now is also the right thing to do for the many thousands of men who served during the Vietnam War, and who have oftentimes suffered because of their service.

The way to have a hard conversation is to preface it by stating: “This is very hard for me to say. I’m worried about your reaction. I hope you will understand, and I hope you will find a way to forgive me for what I’m about to tell you.”

My own reaction to reading your story is one of understanding and compassion. If you tell the truth with humility and without becoming defensive – and if you accept the consequences of your disclosure, this act of personal bravery should inspire those who care about you to forgive you and move forward.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune ’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from a man who lied about being a veteran, to risky downsizing strategies, and remembering the positive traits of deceased loved ones . . Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

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