As a family law attorney on Long Island for 14 years, I’ve learned what professional couples are most concerned with when they consult me. Division of assets. Alimony and child support. Custody. Visitation. Reputation.
Their focus, quite understandably, is on resolving the matter at hand. Some are obsessed with “winning” and can’t see beyond the settlement. Too little thought is given to what happens after the papers are signed. At that point, however, the challenge becomes about moving forward as a new kind of family unit that needs to develop a post-divorce relationship in the best interest of their children.
A recent study published in the peer-reviewed journal, Family Relations, makes the case that doing so may be easier than ever when adolescent children are involved. The quantitative study, authored by Melinda Stafford Markham, Becky DeGreeff and Erin Guyette, explored this terrain, shedding light on how nonresidential parents and adolescents navigate their relationships post-divorce, with a focus on technology.
Divorce often casts a shadow over the bonds between nonresidential parents and their adolescent children. As the dynamics shift and distances widen, maintaining meaningful connections becomes paramount. The study’s big takeaway is its recognition that, today, we have the communication technology to keep a non-residential parent and his or her child connected in real timeeven if distance, emotions or infrequent visitation keeps them apart.
Many divorces leave children balancing between two households and nonresidential parents facing challenges to maintaining a close relationship with their adolescent children. We’ve historically focused on traditional planned parenting time, which fosters continuity and familial ties. However, this study underscores the pivotal role of communication in bridging the gap between visits. Through multiple channelsphone calls, video chats, messaging apps and even “gaming” togethernonresidential parents and adolescents can forge a constant connection, regardless of physical proximity.
Of course, barriers can exist that impede efforts toward closeness. The interference of residential parents, often stemming from lingering resentments or power struggles, poses the most formidable obstacle. This external interference not only disrupts communication, but also undermines the autonomy of the nonresidential parent-child relationship. High-tech options will only succeed if the parties involved agree to employ them.
And it’s not just the parents who can reject better communication tools. Anyone who has done so knows raising teenagers is difficult, even in the best of circumstances. The perceived disengagement or lack of interest on the part of an adolescent can complicate matters further. In a landscape saturated with distractions, maintaining the attention and engagement of adolescents can be a daunting task. Nonresidential parents can be left feeling alienated and disconnected. What’s more, when a child is given agency to “block” communication channels, it can have a devastating impact on the nonresidential parent’s ability to engage with their child.
Despite these challenges, technological advancements offer the best hope. By utilizing digital platforms, nonresidential parents and adolescents can transcend spatial constraints and maintain closeness by sharing pictures, experiences and conversations. However, the efficacy of these tools hinge upon the willingness of all parties involved to navigate the contentiousness of post-divorce dynamics with empathy and understanding. We have adopted a practice of ensuring that every custody agreement, whether in family court or in the context of a divorce, contains language that permits and encourages liberal and regular communication between the non-custodial parent and the child in all forms. Additionally, we advocate for clear consequences for the custodial parent should they obstruct this communication.
Understanding the complex interplay between a teenager’s individual agency and external factors is crucial. It’s best to adopt a holistic approach, addressing not only the practical challenges, but also the emotional challenges inherent in the aftermath of divorce. Providing nonresidential parents with essential resources and support networks is vital to help them navigate the challenges of co-parenting with confidence and resilience. Additionally, fostering open communication among parents, adolescents, and other professionals involved in the child’s life, such as educators and counselors, is crucial for overcoming obstacles to maintaining healthy relationships.
This study offers a poignant reminder of the enduring power of familial bonds, even in the face of adversity. By navigating post-divorce relationships with grace and resilience, families can thrive in their “new normal.” As we venture into an increasingly digital age, let us harness the transformative potential of communication technology to forge connections that transcend geographical boundaries and nurture the seeds of familial love and understanding.
Brian Picarello is the executive partner at matrimonial and family law firm Picarello & Saciolo PLLC in Islandia.
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