How Pets And Animals Can Support Us While We Grieve

I needed a moment to myself. So, I went where every mom goes to find a little privacy: the bathroom. I was doing a good job of multitasking — listening to my 9-year-old laugh at the TV while I cried in the bathroom — until the doorknob jiggled. I took a breath, opened the door, and saw my dog. We stared at one another. Without so much as an invitation, he walked into the tiny bathroom and sat on my feet. This was new — but finding my hiding spot when my grief overwhelmed me was not.

It had only been a few months earlier that my father passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack. Now a few times a week, I found myself crying in the bathroom. But each time I tiptoed away for a tearful break, my 2-year-old border collie found me. He’d lightly scratch at the door and climb into my lap or calmly stand next to me while I felt all my feelings. He’d stay with me until my moment of sadness passed, and then we’d leave my hiding spot together. It’s like he had a superpower telling him when I was sad and needed support…and, well, maybe he does.

Research backs up our pets knowing our moods. A 2016 study by animal behavior experts and psychologists in the UK and Brazil revealed that dogs can recognize emotions in humans by combining information from different senses. And for you cat owners out there, the National Library of Medicine reports that studies on cats show they’re sensitive to conspecific and human emotional signals. “Animals can sense things such as our facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and even our change of smell when we are experiencing certain emotions,” says veterinarian Dr. Lori Polkowski.

Feelings of grief rise and fall differently for everyone. “Grief is a response to loss,” says Lynn Powell, social worker and grief counselor with Hosparus Health. This response affects us cognitively, spiritually, socially, physically, and emotionally, she continues. So, grief is felt in all parts of us. This is why seeking help from family, friends, counselors, or support groups is important, and Lynn also says this is where our pets can provide comfort. Studies show animals can reduce loneliness, increase feelings of social support, and boost your mood, so can they support us while we grieve?

Lana Wilson is a longtime WAGS (Wonderful Animals Giving Support) volunteer. She and her therapy dog, Bella, visit schools, hospitals, and hospice care facilities to offer love and a cuddle for those who need it. “Grief isn’t linear,” Lana says. “There’s no normal path about grief.” It’s in this space that Aussiedoodle Bella happily sits on a lap or lies on a bed, giving unconditional comfort to a new friend.

Lana has witnessed instant smiles when Bella trots into a room and a willingness to speak more openly while Bella is there. “Therapy dogs serve as a nonjudgmental, calming presence as well as provide a sensory distraction,” she says.

One of the reasons we feel more confident and relaxed in the presence of a furry friend is because petting an animal can physiologically decrease the stress hormone cortisol, which increases during stressful times in our lives, Dr. Lori says. Pets can help relieve loneliness for someone who is grieving, providing them with daily motivation and company, she adds.

“Grief is very self-focused,” Lynn says, “because it’s all about what you’re feeling.” While we certainly need to process the emotions we experience while grieving, this ‘self-focus’ can feel all-encompassing and lead us to turn inward. All three experts agree that animals can provide us with a much-needed positive distraction. “A pet kind of forces you to take the focus off yourself, reminding you there’s a bigger world out there,” Lynn says. Caring for a pet can give you a reprieve from your pain so you can take the mental and emotional breaks you need, Lana adds.

If you’re grieving and would like to find more ways to spend time in the healing presence of animals, consider options like taking a horseback riding class or offering to walk a friend’s dog. You can look into volunteer organizations that help train service dogs, or Lori suggests checking out your local Audubon Society or even the local Department of Fish and Wildlife for volunteer opportunities. If you don’t own a pet but are thinking about getting one, Dr. Lori asks you to check in with yourself, and if it feels like it would be overwhelming, wait. A good way to find out if you’re up to the responsibility is to pet-sit for a friend, she suggests.

Now, it’s been a little over a year since my dad passed away, and my bathroom visits have lessened. Still, an occasional memory will hit me hard, and I’ll find myself once again stealing a moment alone — until I’m not. My border collie continues to find me, and his support never fails to make me feel better. As Dr. Lori says, “Animals are in tune with our emotions and are happy to sit with us in times we need them most.”

By Tonilyn Hornung

P.S. You may also find helpful this article: A Way With Grief.