After my divorce, I kept my ex-husband's last name to help my kids. Now, I want my own name back.

• Because of tradition, I took my husband's last name when we married.
• When we got divorced, I kept his last name because my children needed help with the transition.
• Now that they're grown up, I'm ready to take my name back.

As a Gen X female who married in the mid-90s, I took my new husband's surname as my own. It felt off; the tradition didn't make sense to me.

Why did saying "I do" require an "I don't" to the name I'd held for 27 years?

Although I had insisted that the traditional "serve and obey" oath be struck from our wedding vows , on the name change, I acquiesced. So, on a Saturday in October, I left a small church sanctuary with a spouse, a heart full of hope, and a new set of initials.

As I settled into married life, I made another vow — but not to God or my husband. I made this vow to no one but myself. I decided I would forever use my pre-marital name , Goss. My signature would consist of three distinct words, no hyphens, and no abbreviations. Stephanie Goss Hlavin.

But, like marriage, it took effort, and I grew weary of writing all that, so I stopped. The "Goss" simply became "G." I now want to reclaim it.

Everything changed when I got divorced

When we divorced 18 years later, I planned on dropping "Hlavin" and returning to my maiden name. When I mentioned this to my youngest daughter, I was not prepared for her response.

"What if the teacher calls my name and our names don't match?" she asked.

The world is black and white when you're 9 years old. In her mind, if our last names weren't the same, how would anyone know where she belonged or to whom she was connected?

Given the divorce, she and her older sister were experiencing the disconnect of all they knew. I held on to Hlavin, and our names have matched ever since.

Nearly a decade post-divorce , I am frustrated I still use this name, my ex's name. It does not belong to nor represent me. As I work on becoming a published author, I want to be Stephanie Goss again.

But what to do? There are practical implications to consider. My professional work uses my married name. Will changing it impact my online visibility and search results? Does that matter?

More importantly, will it matter to my daughters , who are now both in their 20s?

The bond I have with my daughters is not defined by a name

Now that my daughters are grown — one is nearly 20, and the other is 23 — I wondered how they'd feel about me changing my name back to Goss. I had no idea, so I asked them each separately.

One daughter said she wouldn't mind if I changed it, telling me, "Our last names don't have any bearing on our relationship , how we are connected, or the quality of our connection."

When I asked my other daughter, she said, " Moms and daughters should have the same last name," adding, "even though I know that's stupid." I assured her it wasn't. She went on, "If you changed it, our group chat name would no longer work."

"Fair point," I said. (It's "Hoelavins.")

As I envision a book jacket bearing my name, the image of "Hlavin" appearing after Stephanie does not feel correct or even wholly accurate, especially when the genre is memoir.

Before I was a four-person we, or even a two-person us, I was me . And as much as I love my now family of three, I believe that the bond I share with my daughters goes beyond a name.