Review: The ‘Bad Boys’ franchise has fallen and shouldn’t get up

I can still remember slipping out of a dinner gathering to go, by myself, to the theater in Decatur, Alabama, to watch “Bad Boys,” in April 1995.

Everything about the Michael Bay experience was fresh, new and exciting. Will Smith was electric. Martin Lawrence was actually funny.

When “Bad Boys II” came out in 2003, everything was bigger, louder, badder, and it worked. The climactic chase down a mountain in Humvees tearing through shanties was over-the-top ridiculous and wholly exhilarating.

Bad Boys: Ride or Die
1 out of 5 stars
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And I was good. That double-shot of Det.’s Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett was satisfying. It felt like enough.

When “Bad Boys for Life” debuted in 2020, you could sense the dust of 17 years lingering despite a healthy shaking off. Not all of the jokes landed. Not all of the action set pieces felt fresh and new. Yet, it grossed more than $200 million domestically and more than $420 million worldwide.

So, here we are, 2024, and “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” is upon us, and you can actually hear the gears grinding and feel the engine sputtering.

I was 25 when the first film came out; now, I’m 54. It makes more sense to call AARP in case of emergency than the Miami PD.

The first 20 minutes is a series of odd vignettes that rehash what once worked but now feels stale.

Lawrence’s Marcus trying to eat poorly and being admonished by Smith’s Mike before an unsuspecting robber tries to hold up a convenience store where the two are bickering. Yawn.

Lawrence’s Marcus having an inaccurate epiphany about his life and admonishing Smith’s Mike for having “a stupid baby soul with no penis.” What does that even mean?

There’s a blink-and-miss cameo by Bay that somehow manages to feel superfluous even at two seconds. It would have been more fitting if Bay was in a wheelchair that almost gets run over given his past penchant for placing disabled humans in harm's way in the first two “Bad Boys” films.

Once the plot does materialize, it too feels reheated. Eric Dane’s bland big bad villain doesn’t help.

It also doesn’t help that Smith’s Mike is now prone to panic attacks whenever he’s called to leap into action and save the day.

Who in their right mind wants to go see a “Bad Boys” movie where Mike Lowrey is conflicted about shooting a bunch of criminals?

There are two, count ‘em, two, standout sequences in “Bad Boys: Ride or Die,” and one of them doesn’t even feature Smith or Lawrence kicking ass.

The climatic shootout set in an abandoned theme park/alligator farm isn’t one of the standouts. It lacks originality or purpose. It’s just a place where a lot of people get killed so-so good and a bunch of bad jokes and lame catch phrases are uttered.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

If it was up to me, Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett would finally retire and hang up their guns.

Based on the opening weekend’s $50-million-plus haul, I suspect sadly that that won’t be happening anytime soon.

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