An Expert Shares Tips On Navigating A Strained Relationship With Your Father

For some, Father’s Day is an opportunity to shower their dad with love, gratitude and gifts . For others, who have a slightly more complicated or strained relationship, it may feel deeply isolating.

Parent-child relationships aren’t always the easiest to navigate and people sometimes handle them more callously than other non-familial relationships. There are often many misconceptions about what a healthy relationship with your parents should look like. Questions about forgiveness, boundaries, accountability and care add to the unclear path to healing. Stepping out of a comfort zone to mend or build a relationship with a parent can overwhelm you. Focusing on bonds within the context of fatherhood requires awareness of the many nuances and challenges.

For licensed psychologist and founder of Ignite Anew Jasmonae Joyriel, there are several factors that deserve contemplation. Joyriel spoke with 21Ninety to discuss the best approaches and considerations for navigating a painful or strained relationship with a father.

21NINETY: What do you think people assume or misunderstand about strained relationships with parents?

JASMONAE JOYRIEL: I think there is an assumption that parents and children, specifically adult children, must have a relationship. Furthermore, the onus is on the adult child to maintain that relationship regardless of any harm that was caused during childhood.

We often use a fear-based approach to navigating tenuous parent-child relationships that promote keeping it intact despite any continued emotional distress it may cause. This often further invalidates the experiences that children may have had. It can also keep a parent who has been accountable for parenting mistakes trapped in a repetitive cycle of being punished for past mistakes.

21N: Is personal work necessary before attempting to work on a strained relationship with a father?

JJ: For children, it starts with having the permission to be angry and hurt, to acknowledge the emotional wounds caused by whatever fractures exist in the relationship. For adult children, it’s important to separate and grieve the father you wish you had from the father you are able to have.

You also need to recognize the accountability you hold as an adult, which no longer belongs to your father. You may not recognize all the ways a strained relationship with a parent impacted you. However, it’s your responsibility to determine what quality of relationships you want with others and be accountable for decisions you make as an adult.

For fathers, I believe you have to recognize that children don’t owe you their respect, loyalty or love. They give it freely as children, but quickly learn the ways that this may be emotionally harmful . You have to take full accountability for your choices. It doesn’t matter what happened in the relationships, your career or your past. As a parent, you made choices. Own it. This, as well as figuring out what you can offer in your child’s life, will make up the initial inner work.

It’s okay to realize you may not be fit to parent, but how can you show up consistently as someone who cares? Be honest about what you are capable of offering in your child’s life. Acknowledge and aim for that. If you’ve taken accountability for mistakes you made in your past, and your adult child is unwilling to forgive, figure out how to grieve that failed relationship and start letting go.

21N: How do you know when to work on the relationship and when to let it go?

JJ: This depends on many things including age, tolerance and emotional distress. For children, I think about the potential for emotional harm that can have a lasting impact on self-worth and psychological development. For adult children, I consider how high their tolerance is for unhealthy relationships, what boundaries can be enforced and how they might handle remorse if their parent dies .

Ultimately, [think if it] is it psychologically safer to have this person actively in, partially in or completely removed from your life.

21N: What are some tips for navigating a tricky relationship with a father in adulthood?

JJ: There are several steps to consider. First, give yourself permission to feel all the feels. Allow yourself to feel angry, disappointed, disgusted, happy, sad and whatever else comes from that relationship. Define what you wanted and needed from your father and start to grieve that you didn’t get that.

Determine what is realistically available regarding this relationship. If you chose not to maintain a relationship and he passed away, could you be okay with your decision? Would there be anything unsaid or unexplored?

Establish the boundaries you need to feel emotionally safe and set clear expectations for the relationship moving forward. For example, if your father makes false promises, clearly state how you will respond to those promises. State how that will impact the relationship going forward. Stick to those boundaries.

Recognize that your presence and the relationship is a gift you are offering. It’s not an obligation. You deserve to feel valued and appreciated. If your father is willing to put in the work with you, the relationship can turn into something new and beautiful.

This article has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post An Expert Shares Tips On Navigating A Strained Relationship With Your Father appeared first on 21Ninety .