Did you adopt anybody?

All of us need to be adopted. And we need to do some adopting.

I’ve learned this after being offered the lesson a number of times in letters responding to my bloviating commentary.

The light finally dawned.

I figure it’s so important that even St. Peter, deciding who gets past him and who doesn’t in the long line at the pearly gates, uses it as one of his standards for a thumbs up rather than a thumbs down.

You get to the gates, you give your name, rank and serial number, and ol’ Pete responds with a cool, appraising stare. Then he asks a few questions.

“Did you do what you said you would do more often than not?”

Yes, sir, your saintliness.

“Did you obey your parents?”

Well, uh,…

“NEVER MIND!

“Did you destroy any wetlands, run over a gopher tortoise on purpose, or build a strip mall over a bass pond or a ‘gator hole?”

No, sir!

“Did you love your neighbor as yourself?”

“I tried sir, for the most part. Sometimes,

I guess. Well, at least once, I’m pretty sure.”

You might get a slow nod, but if you lie about it, you’ll get a thumbs down as sure as shiitake mushrooms.

Then he’ll ask the big question.

“Did you adopt anybody?”

If St. Peter asks a question like this, I realize, he may be talking about adopting a child or an orphaned dog or cat from the pound, or two or 10. Life is precious, after all. It hums and glows like a hot ember in a small fire, even mounted on two legs that have yet to hit puberty or four legs with a tail that wags. It needs only a little blown breath to grow brighter and warmer. It’s our job to blow that breath.

However, the greater likelihood is more difficult, although it takes less work. St. Pete will probably be talking about adopting people you disagree with or letting them adopt you — especially if you come from Florida.

Everybody in Florida seems to disagree (to put it mildly) with everybody else. And everybody in Florida will end up at the pearly gates sooner or later answering some questions. That means all 23 million of us.

Therefore, as the day follows the night, the summer follows the spring, and clean water can only follow comprehensive planning and smart growth, so we’d better start adopting each other. We don’t have to agree, but we do have to adopt.

Then we can answer the question in a way that will help open the pearly gates when we get there.

“DID YOU ADOPT ANYBODY?”

Yes sir, I adopted that bonehead who kept writing that…

“GOOD TO HEAR! WELCOME! Now get in there and have fun! Try not to sing out of tune.”

My dawning awareness of all this occurred last week when a letter arrived in my electronic mailbox from a man who apparently doesn’t see some things like I do. But instead of name-calling, the spittle flying fit of epistolary rage using words like “idiot” — probably not unjustified on occasion but always rude as hell — Willie Burns offered this.

“Roger, I am a regular reader of the Florida Weekly. While I am certain that you and I will not be voting for the same candidate for President, I do find that I mostly enjoy reading your commentaries. (FYI, my brother was a graduate of the University of North Carolina in journalism and I am certain that he would be voting with you as well. LOL.)

“I saved your commentary entitled ‘The train of knowing’ that you wrote for the week of 07/14 – 07/20/2022. I just tried with no luck to find your ‘Death-be-not-proud’ commentary. Could you email a copy of it to me? Thank you.

“I am soon to be 73, and I am keenly aware that I know a number of the people whose names I read in the obituary section of my North Carolina hometown newspaper.

“Keep up the good work that you do.

“Willie Burns” Anything else is a failed effort.

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