Flying Along With Your Adult Children

Wouldn’t it be nice if our kids came with parenting instructions? I envision a world where a lengthy manual is included at our baby’s birth detailing everything we need to know from sleep training to first dates. Sure, we can find some parenting insight from trusted websites, articles, or parenting books, but the majority of this information only supports us through the newborn, toddler, and teen phases. What happens when our kids grow up? How can we successfully parent adult kids?

Parenting grown children comes with a different set of responsibilities and challenges than raising little ones. “When your kids are young, you guide them and set boundaries, but parenting adult kids is different,” says Colette Delaney Mattingly, mother to two adult children ages 27 and 37. The biggest difference is that you can no longer instruct them in that same definitive way, she says. “A similar impulse remains as they take their first steps into adulthood, but now I can’t possibly say, ‘You have to do this or you need to do that.’”

Carol Williams, mother to a 49-year-old son, says it can be hard stepping back and not offering automatic parenting words of wisdom. “As a mother, my instinct is to give my opinion whether asked for or not,” she says. Old parenting habits are hard to release, and while we may have the best of intentions to help our grown children through a rough time or give them a different perspective, the tips we offer might be perceived as overstepping. It’s in this space that conflicts can arise and resentments can grow.

When it comes to parenting adult children, the main concern is for parents to understand their role with their child(ren) and how it changes, says Tiffany Keith, family therapist and founder of The Vine Therapeutic Services. “As children grow, their needs change, yet parents can remain stuck providing things that are no longer required,” Tiffany says. Our grown children have different needs than our little kiddos, and learning what these are can strengthen your relationship.

For starters, Tiffany says it’s a natural part of the growing-up process for “emerging adults” to loosen emotional ties with parents. It can feel uncomfortable, but this is key for your adult child’s emotional development.

When it comes to offering advice, Tiffany suggests waiting for your child to ask you. “What can happen at the offering of advice by parents is that children reject it,” Tiffany says. “It can leave children feeling a sense of inferiority, as the child entertains negative thoughts that their parents do not trust their ability to make good decisions.”

This is why Carol has learned to ask her son this question before offering her input: “Would you like my opinion?” While Carol admits that not giving immediate help can be difficult, asking for permission shows you believe your child is a capable problem solver and you respect their adult boundaries.

Boundary setting between you and your adult children can be tricky, but it’s especially crucial around family times that often come with high expectations, such as family vacations or holiday gatherings. Tiffany suggests parents manage expectations by offering open and honest conversations about what your adult child wants to do. Then make sure to remind yourself that the answers may not line up with your desires, and that’s OK. “The goal of the parent is to honor the autonomy of the adult child,” Tiffany says.

Colette admits she can find herself clinging to holiday traditions, but she knows those change over time. “Because our family is blended, I’ve learned to be flexible,” she says. If you’re not flexible and you hold on, you’re only keeping yourself in pain, she adds.

As parents, we know our kids will always and forever be, well, our kids. Their adult smiles reflect their tiny 2-year-old grins, and it’s not uncommon for stepping back to feel like stepping away. Carol advises to trust that you helped build a good foundation as your child was growing, and Tiffany seconds this sentiment: “Trust what you have put into your children during their early development, and allow your adult child to invite you in.” It’s this foundation that will support you during conflicts and keep your trust intact. And as Colette says, “Let them be who they are and support them in their choices. Love them through all their experiences.”

By Tonilyn Hornung | Photo Chris Briggs

P.S. You may also be interested in Sharing A Home – Setting Boundaries When Family Moves In (part 2 of 2).