“Hello, Joe and Jill, this is Barack . How are y’all doing?... Well, I am sitting here with Michelle, and with Bill and Hillary , and with Nancy [Pelosi] and Hakeem [Jeffries] and Chuck [Schumer], and with Ron Klain . Everybody here says hello...”
“Look, Joe, let me get right to the point. We all know that another four years of Donald Trump could be the end of America as we know it. We can’t afford to lose to that criminal. Now we all know that based on the record, you’ll go down in history as a much better president than Trump was. But, Joe, you can’t beat him, and if you don’t, you’ll always get the blame for handing the White House and the fate of Planet Earth back to that dangerous SOB. And while, of course, we think you continue to do a good job as president, you just can’t convince the country you will still be able to do it until you’re 86...”
“Yeah, Joe, I hear you. Whatever. Look, here’s the deal: You need to pull out of the reelection campaign. You can make it look like your idea, or you can make us force you to do it. But if you don’t, we will jointly, publicly demand that you withdraw. That would make you toast, either way...”
“No, Joe, we’re not pulling strings for Kamala. She can’t possibly win, either. As soon as you agree — because, Joe, you now have no real choice — we’re calling her next...”
* * *
“Kamala, this is Barack and Michelle and….
“Yeah, look, this is how it’s gonna be. Kamala, you can’t win either. You’ll get crushed. And if you get crushed, your career is over. But we’ve got something that won’t just save face for you, but set you up really nicely. You’ll get an appointment to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. A lifetime job, no hassle, no need to suck up to voters anymore — and it could be a stepping stone, if things break right, for the Supreme Court . We’ve got Manchin on board already. While we still have a Senate majority, between Election Day and the next inauguration, we’ll get you confirmed. It’s all set. And don’t argue: You can’t beat all of us, no matter what you say or do. But this is gonna be great for you, trust me...”
* * *
“Ladies, gentlemen, and differently gendered members of the press, we thank you for coming here today. We — all of us: me, Michelle, Bill, Hillary, Chuck, Nancy, and Hakeem — were caught completely off guard when President Biden called us each to tell us that he would withdraw from the campaign. I know they’ll each have something to say as soon as I relinquish the microphone. We also were surprised when Kama — er, Vice President Harris — told us, which, of course, has now been reported, that the nastiness of today’s politics has made her unwilling anymore to seek the presidency. We know she has other great ways to serve the public.
“In this unprecedented situation, the seven of us together, with neither objection from nor formal endorsement from President Biden, decided we really should weigh in, in unified fashion, to ask Democratic delegates to focus on defeating the massive challenge to democracy represented by Donald the Insurrectionist Trump, and to set aside any internal disputes in order to rally around a unity ticket.
“Our choice — and again, we are suggesting to independent delegates, not giving orders — but our choice is a ticket we feel certain will defeat Trump in an absolute landslide. We, again, all seven of us agree, uh, we strongly and enthusiastically recommend, without objection — I want to stress this, without objection — from our friend Joe the President, that the Democratic Party in 2024 nominate Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro , one of the most accomplished and “can do” officials we’ve seen, to be President of the United States. Any man who could get a temporary freeway back up in just 12 days in Philly after that horrible accident, when experts said it might take two years, is a man we need as Mr. Fixit for our broken political system.
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“We also are heartened to know that he very quickly came up with the best suggestion for a running mate, which we will let Gov. Shapiro announce later today, but suffice it to say that the story of a black daughter of a single, immigrant mother rising to the very top of the corpor…, oh, anyway, suffice it to say that you’ll be very, very impressed when Josh, I mean Governor Shapiro, introduces her.
“Now I know Bill, I mean President Clinton, just loves to get into political nuts and bolts in a way that voters can really understand, so, Bill, I now turn this forum over to you...”
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