This One Thing Is the Biggest Obstacle for Queer Couples When Planning a Wedding, According To Wedding Experts

Weddings can create some of the most joyous days in people's lives, but it can also be one of the most stressful and hectic periods. Add queerness to wedding planning and you have a whole other list of obstacles and things to think about. LGBTQ+ weddings are inherently different than "traditional" weddings due primarily to the fact that both people in the couple either aren't a bride and groom or look differently than the typical binary we see in other weddings .

As you can imagine, verbiage and traditions need to change and specific issues need to be kept in mind while planning a queer wedding.

If you or a loved one is planning a queer wedding—or you just want to educate yourself on what LGBTQ+ couples have to face—read on to see what the biggest obstacles are, inclusive wedding lingo and new traditions you can add into a queer wedding ceremony or reception.

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The Biggest Obstacle When Planning an LGBTQ+ Wedding, According to Wedding Experts

As you can probably imagine (and might have already guessed), the biggest challenge queer couples face is dealing with vendors who don’t have queerness in mind—whether it's because of homophobia or just ignorance. Vendors and wedding planners who are so committed to heteronormativity and “traditional” weddings may lack care and context, which can really set a queer couple back.

“The biggest challenge LGBTQ+ couples face when planning their wedding is finding vendors who don't make assumptions about what their celebration will look like,” Ainsley Blattel , Director of Brand + Marketing at Modern Rebel , tells Parade .

Zabrina , owner and founder of The Gay Agenda Collective —a queer, Kanaka-owned and operated wedding and event planning company in Hawai’i—agrees that finding inclusive and respectful vendors is the biggest obstacle for queer couples planning a wedding. “Queer couples frequently have to vet vendors to ensure they will be treated with dignity and respect throughout the planning process,” she tells Parade .

“Weddings were built around cis-heteronormativity in a time when women were considered property and queerness was forced to the shadows,” Blattel says. “So of course the traditions society expects to occur at a wedding weren't created with folks like us in mind.”

They share that the “standard idea” of what weddings should look like—the white dress, father/daughter dance, bouquet toss, “You may now kiss the bride” and more—isn’t always conducive to LGBTQ+ weddings. This makes it hard to find wedding vendors who get that and “who understand the nuance of trying to carve out space for yourself in a rite of passage that wasn't made for you,” according to Blattel.

Because queer people getting married might not want white garments or have their closest family members in attendance because of homophobia, their desires for their wedding shouldn't be scoffed at or belittled; their wedding should be catered to them and be a celebration of their love and themselves.

“It is so crucial for queer folks to work with vendors who champion the couple as they rewrite the rules to what a wedding can look like, something queer folks have done throughout history in every facet of our lives,” Blattel says.

Related: 50 Affirmations for Queer People That Uplift the LGBTQ+ Community, Featuring Illustrator and Author Jess Vosseteig

Other Obstacles Queer Couples Face When Planning a Wedding

In addition to having little to no representation in wedding vendors or on wedding sites, LGBTQ+ weddings are, of course, going to look different than straight or “traditional” weddings. From challenges in the planning process to venue issues and more, these are some of the other obstacles that queer couples face when planning a wedding.

Bridal suites

Many queer people most likely can’t (or won’t) get married in a church or religious building. That means that standard wedding venues are typically the main choice for couples to look at. This may cause an issue for sapphic /lesbian couples who need two bridal suites to get ready.

Kelsea-Jade, a popular lesbian on TikTok , posted a video with a list she made called: “Things we have started to hate whilst planning a same-sex wedding.” Number one on that list was the fact that most venues only had one bridal suite and one groom room, which had “stereotypical, ‘masculine,’ things with darts boards.” One of the biggest issues can be when the “groom rooms” don't have mirrors, which is a big deal if you have two people getting married who need to do hair and makeup.

“Unfortunately, the majority of the wedding industry still defaults to the binary of bride and groom, with the assumption that the only person in that dynamic who'll care about the wedding is the bride,” Blattel tells us, referring to bridal showers, bridal suites, etc. “This automatically alienates any couple that has more than one bride or doesn't have any and further hurts everyone who's planning a wedding. Weddings are about both people in the partnership—so both people should be encouraged and excited to plan the celebration together.”

Heteronormative assumptions

This one is an issue that queer couples have to deal with in their daily lives, not just when planning a wedding. For sapphic and lesbian couples, this can look like getting “mistaken” for siblings or people not seeing you as a couple when out and about. The same goes for gay men and other queer people who don’t fit into the binary of “husband and wife.” Not to mention people making assumptions about gender for people who are nonbinary or trans.

“Some common obstacles include misgendering, vendors not willing to work with them and assumptions made about their wedding needs,” Zabrina shares. “Queer couples often have to make decisions based on who will be accepting and accommodating rather than purely on design and style preferences.”

Kelsea-Jade also shared that assumptions like these were on her list. While she was out looking at venues with her fiancé, they were asked if they were sisters or friends and where the groom was. She ended up having to send very clear emails before seeing a venue or meeting up with a vendor stating they were a same-sex couple.

@ mollsyall on TikTok posted about her frustrations back in February about her own lesbian wedding. She shared that every form says “bride and groom” and that when they went to get their marriage license with their partner, the clerk asked them where the other applicant was (referring to a man).

Related: Here's How To Be a Straight Ally to the LGBTQ+ Community

Photographers not knowing how to pose queer couples

Lily Guillen , a Chicago wedding photographer, tells Parade that photographers post in Facebook groups she’s in, asking how to pose queer couples or nonbinary people. This may be important for photographers to focus on because "traditional" poses may not be best for the couples they're shooting.

“I have had couples come to me and specifically have to ask to not be posed in a heteronormative way,” Guillen shares. “I always approach each couple by getting to know them and photographing them based on their love story rather than poses I find on Pinterest. It does feel a little sad to me that people even have to have that concern when planning their wedding.”

In terms of how Guillen approaches posing couples, queer or otherwise, she likes to have the taller person of the couple stand about the other or have them take turns "loving on" the other person.

"This practice has become very important to me because I am really working towards getting rid of the gender bias that society, as a whole, has taught us but especially within the industry," she says. "It's not all about a ‘bride,’ but of both partners who have decided to commit to each other for the rest of their lives. I can tell people appreciate this because it has come up in reviews, and I also just think that it's a good way to move forward with our mindset around the [LGBTQ+] community.”

Homophobic wedding vendors

Kind of like what we mentioned at the beginning, homophobia is a major driving force for a lot of mistreatment queer couples face when planning a wedding (and living their day-to-day lives, if we’re being honest). From venues or vendors straight up refusing to work with a queer couple to mistreatment when booking things, homophobia can be a major challenge when planning an LGBTQ+ wedding.

“One of my biggest issues with the wedding industry are vendors who just won't get with the program,” Guillen says. “I have had first-hand experiences with people who have refused to work with me because a big part of my clientele are queer couples. If it's so mind-boggling as a vendor, I can't imagine this from the side of a couple planning a wedding.”

Binary gender expectations

While this can look like something as “minor” as decorations having only “Mr. and Mrs.” signs, it can also look like other scenarios that involve internal issues with the traditional binary of weddings.

“Based on what I have gathered from the queer couples that I have worked with is that they struggle with the gender expectations that have been put on them,” Guillen says. She brings up a story of two feminine women who got married, with one of them deciding on a suit. That partner then struggled with feeling like she was being treated as “the groom,” making her self-conscious.

“This can really harm the beautiful experience that people should be having as they plan their wedding, so we all must do better, especially within the wedding industry,” Guillen says.

Related: You’ve Likely Heard the Term, but What Does ‘Nonbinary’ Mean?

What Are Some New Traditions Queer Couples Can Adopt?

Even though an LGBTQ+ wedding isn’t a “traditional” one from the standpoint of using the same traditions and rituals, queer couples can come up with new traditions that make their special day their own. Here are some examples of ways to either change a traditional part of the wedding ceremony so that it reflects the queer couple better or new traditions to take on.

Make an event out of signing your marriage license

“Something I've seen done a few times that I hope becomes a staple tradition for LGBTQ+ marriers is publicly signing their marriage license,” Blattel, who is a queer, non-binary trans wedding planner at Modern Rebel, shares with us. “Usually this is done in private after the ceremony, but it's that little piece of paper queer folks worked so hard to get—so show it off! I love when couples take a moment during the ceremony to call out the importance of it as they sign it, inviting their loved ones in to honor and celebrate the importance of their commitment to each other in the eyes of the law.”

Change the "father/daughter" and "mother/son" dances

A major change that needs to happen for a queer wedding reception is the special dances between those getting married and their parents. Because a queer couple might not fit into this binary, a new tradition needs to happen.

“Something I have seen at queer weddings quite a few times are joint parent dances,” Guillen shares. “Instead of the traditional ‘father/daughter’ and ‘mother/son’ dance, the couple will invite both of their parents to dance a song with them. Typically both partners will be on the dance floor and then will invite one parent for half of the song, and then the other parent for the other half. This is such a beautiful way to honor both parents and also may relieve some of the stress if they don't necessarily have a good relationship with one of their parents.”

Walking down the aisle

Zabrina, of the Gay Agenda Collective wedding planning company, shares with us that “reimagining” the “traditional elements” of a wedding ceremony “to better reflect their identities in a ceremony,” is a queer wedding staple. This may include “a unique processional where both partners walk down the aisle together or are escorted by loved ones and not just their parents,” she says.

Shawn Miller ( @young_hip_and_married ), a wedding officiant, posted advice on how queer couples can walk down the aisle in a way that “honors their relationship” and “breaks the mold.” His “favorite way for queer couples to walk down the aisle” is explained more in-depth on his page, but essentially both sets of parents enter together, followed by any other significant family members and then your wedding party. And then once everyone is at the front, the officiant tells everyone to rise and then the couple walks in together, side-by-side.

“You are entering into this thing together. No one is coming down to someone else, no one is being presented to anybody else,” Miller said. “This is a joint decision. You two have created an incredible life together. This is not the beginning for you, by no means… You’ve chosen love… This is a representation of your love and your life together, as you two are entering it as complete equals…”

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10 Inclusive Terms to Keep in Mind While Planning or Attending a Queer Wedding

As we’ve been talking about this whole time, a queer wedding is not going to fit in with binary terms like “bride and groom.” So here is a list of inclusive terms to use in your queer wedding or if you’re attending one.

1. Instead of “bride and groom,” use: “partners,” as Zabrina shares, or use “marriers, celebrants, nearlyweds or even just their names,” Blattel suggests. “Nearlyweds” is “a lesser known term, but it's all-gender/all-inclusive for folks who are about to be married. I think it's fun,” they shared.
2. Instead of “husband and wife,” use: “married couple” or “spouses.”
3. Instead of “You may now kiss the bride,” use: “You may now seal your vows with a kiss."
4. Use “I now pronounce you married” instead of “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
5. Just use the couple’s names: “When in doubt about how to replace a gendered term, use your names!” Blattel shares. “You're still yourselves on your wedding day, so getting introduced as ‘The newlyweds Beyoncé and Jay-Z’ still honors the moment without getting caught up in what terminology to use.”
6. Instead of “bridal suite,” use: “wedding suite.”
7. Instead of “bridal party,” use: “wedding party, crew.”
8. Use “attendants” instead of “bridesmaids” and “groomsmen.”
9. Instead of “Maid/Matron of Honor” or “Best Man,” use: “Person of Honor, Attendant, Honor Attendant.”
10. Use “special dances” for the father/daughter or mother/son dances.

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Advice/Tips for Queer Couples Planning a Wedding

Now that you’ve read all about the various obstacles queer couples have to go through while wedding planning, here are some tips on how to plan an LGBTQ+ wedding.

How to look for queer-friendly officiants

“There are several LGBTQ+ focused wedding vendor directories that are a great resource to connect queer marriers to queer or allied vendors like Equally Wed and Dancing with Her ,” Blattel shares. “They have great resources for inclusive non-religious officiants and venues.”

Zabrina adds that queer couples can check out community recommendations and “reach out to local LGBTQ+ organizations for referrals.”

“Many secular officiants also advertise themselves as inclusive and can provide personalized ceremonies,” she says. “We also love when a community member officiates on their behalf.”

How to find a non-religious venue

As Blattel already shared, sites like Equally Wed and Dancing with Her are a good place to find venues that aren’t religiously affiliated. And Guillen highly suggests Offbeat Wed as a place to find all types of vendors and venues "because they are… a great example of how the mainstream wedding industry should be.”

How to deal with not having family attend due to homophobia

And here we are, back again with some homophobia to put even more stress on an already stressful planning occasion. Being queer can sometimes mean family members reject you or pull away from you. While therapy should 100% be your first step in working through that, old wounds can come back with big life events like weddings. And while, again, professional help is a must, Zabrina shares that finding the right things to focus on helps with any sadness that might occur on your big day.

“My advice would be to focus on the supportive people who are present,” she tells us. “I know how hard it is to not have family there, but being able to be surrounded by folks who love you wholeheartedly and can champion you on is the only way to get through it.”

Karly, the host of the Sapphic and Spiritual podcast ( @sapphicandspiritual on TikTok), made a video in September 2023 about how she’s dealing with having homophobic family members when having a same-sex wedding. She shares that her family supported her toxic relationship with a man but won’t celebrate her authentic self and future wife.

“It really says more about their character,” Karly shared. “That they would rather me just comply and smile to fit in than for me to live within my integrity and to be in love and happy.”

She said that they were “doing [her] a favor in the long run” by showing her who to keep in her life. It’s an “emotional rollercoaster,” Karly said, to be so happy and but then have people who you were so close to treating you so horribly.

“But in processing this and unpacking it more I’m realizing that what’s even more sad is continuing to self-sacrifice in order to please other people who clearly have no concern for my happiness or well-being at heart,” she said, urging people in the same situation to “start living for us.”

Make the day about you and your partner

That idea of living for yourself and choosing yourself is important for queer couples on their wedding day, specifically. As Zabrina shares, same-sex, gay and queer couples should all plan weddings that are catered to them.

“Queer couples should feel empowered to make their wedding day uniquely their own,” Zabrina says. “It's important to create a day that feels authentic and joyful, free from traditional constraints and expectations.”

Your wedding day is about the love you have for you and your partner. And while planning a wedding as a queer couple might be more stressful or include a lot more challenges, it should ultimately be a celebration of your love and the life you’re committing to creating together.

Next up: 100 Inspirational Marriage Love Quotes for a Wedding

Sources:

• Lily Guillen (she/her), @lilyguillenphoto on TikTok, is an alternative wedding photographer based in Chicago who started off shooting portraits and now loves “working with couples.” She's not a part of the LGBTQ+ community but is a staunch supporter and ally. She’s been photographing weddings for over nine years and she loves capturing “unconventional lovers.”
• Zabrina (she/her), is the owner and founder of The Gay Agenda Collective ( @thegayagenda.co on TikTok), a queer, Kanaka-owned and operated wedding and event planning company in Hawai’i. She got into the business of wedding planning because of her experience at her own wedding; “I didn't feel included in the industry and wanted to provide a service where couples like me feel included and celebrated.”
• Ainsley Blattel (they/them), is the Director of Brand + Marketing at Modern Rebel (@modernrebelco on TikTok), a wedding planning company that specializes in “weddings that break the rules” and that takes a “no-assumptions approach to the wedding process.” Blattel got started with event planning in the non-profit sphere and then went into wedding planning in 2016 after same-sex marriage was legalized. “Weddings are one of the few moments in our life where we get to gather all our loved ones - what's more meaningful than that?” they shared with Parade . “Plus I knew as a queer person that LGBTQ+ folks were (and still are) hungry for wedding pros who are actually going to support and celebrate them fully in a day all about their partnership and love.”
• Photographs were sent to us by Blattel and Modern Rebel. Nadia and Beth's (both they/them) photos were taken by Kelly Prizel Photography (she/her), and Jason and Noah's (both he/him) photos were taken by Justin McCallum Photography (he/they), both queer photographers.