In tough times, we turn to those closest to us for support, but that support falters when they dismiss our feelings | Gaynor Parkin and Amanda Wallis

When we experience distress from physical pain or emotional turmoil, we often turn to our loved ones for support and understanding. However, when our partners fail to validate our emotions, we can feel isolated and resentful and may even question the strength of the relationship.

As a generally mild-mannered person, Mary* sometimes shocked her partner, Susie by shouting at other drivers. Susie thought Mary’s reactions were unnecessarily aggressive, and somewhat embarrassing when they were in the car together. However, Mary experienced Susie’s pleas to stay calm as critical and invalidating.

Robert wanted his partner to comfort him when he came home from work with stories of difficult co-workers. Instead, Sally leapt to problem solving: “You should communicate more clearly, or raise this with your manager, or set some better expectations”. That left Robert feeling misunderstood and alone in his struggles.

While training for her first ever half marathon, Claudia caught the flu, leaving her bed-ridden for two weeks. A fiercely determined and energetic person, Claudia was distressed about being unable to meet her running goals and frustrated by not being able to stay active. Instead of offering empathy and understanding, Mark dismissed her distress, saying, “It’s just the flu”. He then left on a work trip, leaving Claudia feeling alone with her illness and the emotional pain of his dismissal.

Related: Our internal narratives can hold us back. Changing them is tough but rewarding work | Modern mind

What’s the common thread for these different couples? Mary, Robert, and Claudia all wanted to be heard, understood, and accepted by their partners rather than judged or dismissed. Psychologists call this empathetic understanding “emotional validation”.

Understanding emotion validation

Emotion validation is the process of recognising, understanding, and accepting another person’s emotional experience. It involves empathising with the other person, and communicating that their emotions are valid, reasonable, and understandable given the circumstances.

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Importantly, validation does not mean necessarily agreeing; it’s validation of the emotional experience (“I completely understand why you’d feel frustrated by not being able to go running Claudia”), not necessarily the actions or behaviour.

Done well, consistent research has found that emotion validation will defuse and decrease heightened emotional responses (such as Mary’s angry outbursts while driving) and pave the way for healthy and strong relationships.

Some people are naturally skilled at validation, probably because they had good role models growing up. But many of us will need to learn how to validate, especially in intimate relationships. It’s also a skill that requires practice; we can get rusty with it or sometimes complacent with our loved ones.

So, for Claudia, Robert, and Mary, what helped them improve this skill, and engage their partners in the practice?

Flexing the emotional validation muscle

There are three main skills to strengthening emotional validation: empathy, open communication and self-care.

To achieve the first two, we recommend these steps:

• Give your partner your full attention. Show you are listening via your body language, for example, lean forward, nod and keep an open posture.

• Hold eye contact and use nods and verbal encouragers such as, “uh huh”, while showing your interest.

• Acknowledge and verbalise the emotion being expressed. Label the emotion in a tentative, open way. For Robert it was listening to Sally suggest “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated?” “And maybe also disappointed?”

• Legitimise the emotion by noting why it makes sense given the circumstances. For Mary, hearing Susie acknowledge “It’s understandable to feel annoyed by the way that person was driving” helped to take the heat out of her anger.

• Show you understand the depth of the emotion and its complexity, if appropriate. Claudia was comforted by Mark’s attempts at this – “I can only imagine how painful and complicated this must be for you.”

• Give the validation time to work! Reducing distress takes time; it’s not a once and done exercise. Let the soothing soak in before attempting any problem solving or “moving on”, and check in with each other – how are you feeling now? Do you feel understood? What else do you need from me?

Related: Trauma can leave us emotionally numb – each step towards reconnection is a win | Diane Young

When we are caught up in distress it can be hard to think of what to do to calm ourselves down So, to facilitate the third emotion validation skill, future self-care, each person was asked to generate a list of things they find calming and comforting, some things they can do alone or some with someone else. For Mary this was pottering in their garden solo and making a meal together. Robert experienced a high level of self-care from his solo mountain biking and listening to classical music with Sally. For Claudia reading on her own boosted her self-care as did going to a yoga class with Mark.

Putting it into practice

For future proofing, our couples were asked to regularly practise emotional validation together, and to pick less emotionally charged experiences to test their skills and to hone them before the next more challenging emotional upset!

Feeling connected to our loved ones provides us with a powerful protective buffer when we are experiencing difficult times. These relationships, particularly with our romantic partners, serve as a source of comfort, support and emotional safety. By validating each other’s feelings and experiences, we foster a deeper sense of understanding, trust and love – the very foundations upon which strong, healthy relationships are built.

*Names and details have been changed

• Gaynor Parkin is a clinical psychologist and founder at Button Psychology . Dr Amanda Wallis leads the R&D and innovation team at Umbrella Wellbeing