It’s been a year since my wife died. Grief doesn’t end, but I’m finding a way forward | Opinion

My wife Ruth has been gone for over a year now.

I have had a huge range of emotions, experienced episodes of severe anger and depression, often been unable to function, and contemplated suicide.

I have had so many challenges and changes. Yet I survived it.

In some ways, things have gotten better.

I no longer have extreme panic attacks that I have left Ruth at the airport, need to get her medication to her as soon as possible or have left her unattended while evil people come to get her.

I no longer feel responsible for her death.

I no longer think about taking my own life.

I’m maintaining a daily schedule.

And I know Ruth is not coming back.

‘Worst year of my life’

The year that has passed since Ruth’s death was the worst year of my life. I’m glad it is over.

Still, people who’ve experienced a similar loss have told me the second year will be even worse. I’m determined that not be the case for me.

For my sons, for Ruth and for myself, I am going to do better, be better, function better and feel better, relying on the lessons I’ve learned since my wife was stolen away.

My worst emotions now are sadness and loneliness, and they are formidable foes. I know that — to some extent — they will be present for the rest of my life. When a Paul Simon song comes on I will cry. I may get up and look for Ruth at 4 a.m. This kind of loss will last forever.

Yet, I’m going to be in charge of my life. I’m going to be the boss.

What shall I do?

I will focus on the good stuff .

I won’t eliminate the sadness and loneliness. That will never happen.

Rather, I will overwhelm sadness and loneliness with happiness and meaning.

Every baseball game I see my grandson play, every lunch I have with my granddaughter, every volunteer hour I do at the hospital helps.

The good stuff pushes the bad stuff to the margins, I’ve found.

Staying busy and happy

There is lots to do.

There is family; there are old friends; there are new friends. There is theater; there is art; there are sports.

There are animals to train, flowers to plant, cars to rebuild. There are books to read.

There is plenty of work to do.

Most of all, there are people — people out there who can benefit from my help. Sometimes they need help with chores and activities. Others need companionship (as I do), support during tough times (as I have) or just a smile, a handshake or a hug on a bad day.

Mostly, I want everyone I see to feel at least a bit better after I cross their path — and I want to feel better after the time I spend with them (which I invariably do).

I don’t know why I lost Ruth so soon, or why I was chosen to spend the rest of my life without her.

Today would be better if I could spend it with Ruth. Sadly, I don’t have that option.

To honor my love for her and for our years together, I will make this the best possible day for myself and for those around me.

Then, I’ll do it again tomorrow.

May you do the same, my friend.

Dr. Richard Waltman practiced family and geriatric medicine in Pierce County for 36 years. His wife, Ruth, died in April 2023.

Resources are available for people who are in crisis or those worried about someone else.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Available 24 hours a day by dialing 988 and at suicidepreventionlifeline.org Lifeline Crisis Chat: suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

Washington Recovery Help Line: 1-866-789-1511