A Daughter Shares How Assisted Living Revitalized Her Mom — And Their Relationship

When her mom’s fall risk became overwhelming, Bobbi Boston came to the heartbreaking realization that she could no longer care for her mother at home. With careful planning, difficult decisions and help from some friends, Bobbi’s mom finally agreed to move into assisted living. Now, they’re both thriving.

Acknowledging the need for change

"This is just too much. I can’t do it anymore,” Bobbi Boston, 66, told her younger brother, Matt, during a phone call last June. Bobbi had spent another anxious night worrying that their 94-year-old mother, Sheila, would try to get out of bed on her own to go to the bathroom… and suffer yet another fall. “I can’t take care of her properly anymore, but how do I tell her that?” Bobbi asked, her heart filled with guilt. Here, in her own words, Bobbi shares their emotional journey.

“In 2015, my mom fell and fractured her femur. After several more falls, I gave up my apartment and moved into her Los Angeles condominium to help care for her. Luckily, my mother had bought a long-term care policy in the 1990s, and it covered about $400 dollars daily for a home healthcare aide during the day while I worked as a yoga instructor, and then I cared for her at night.

The path forward emerges

“My mother loved living in her condo, and she made it clear she never wanted to go to a facility. She’d always said, ‘I want to die in my own bed.’ I promised her I would live there with her until that happened.

“But then Mom had a stroke and also developed orthostatic hypotension — where her blood pressure drops significantly for no apparent reason when she stands up, increasing her fall risk. I pleaded with her to use her walker or ask me or her aide for help, but she’s stubborn and filled with pride.

“When she fell and broke her wrist in two places — her 10th fall in almost as many years — it became clear that it just wasn’t possible for Mom to safely stay at home anymore… and I would have to break my promise. But I knew for her to ever agree to go to assisted living, it had to be her idea.

Related: A Daughter Shares How Being the Caretaker for Her Mom Inspired Her New Mission As An Alzheimer’s Trainer

Opening to surprising possibilities

“My first challenge was to find a place where she could be safe, looked after and thrive. I became determined to find the perfect place and looked at numerous facilities.

I ultimately found a senior community called The Variel , with both independent and assisted living care…and it was perfect. I picked out a room I thought she’d love, then I invited her to join me there for lunch. I figured if she enjoyed lunch, I’d then ask her if she wanted to look around—one step at a time. For some reason, deep in my heart, I wasn’t at all nervous she’d say no.

“That day at lunch, to our surprise, Mom ran into people that she used to golf with who now lived there. She became more open to seeing the room, and to my relief, she loved it and agreed to live there. It all just seemed meant to be.

“But when we started to get her condo ready for sale, she got scared. She’d get up in the middle of the night crying that she didn’t want to lose her house. I gently assured her, ‘You’ll take all your favorite things. We’ll make it beautiful.’

Related: Actress Marcia Gay Harden Journeys Through Grief And Finds Hope in ‘Seasons of My Mother’ (EXCERPT)

A new lease on life in assisted living

“Mom moved last October. Matt flew in from New Jersey for two months to help with the transition. We assured Mom that if she didn’t like it, she could move back to the condo. But that hasn’t happened. She loves being around people again. She plays bingo, goes to the gym and attends shows and talks. Each Friday, she gets her hair done. She’s gone from saying, ‘This is no life’ to excitedly wondering, ‘What am I going to do today?’ Mom has a whole new lease on life.

“Knowing Mom has the highest level of care, has greatly reduced my stress. And her long-term care insurance covers the cost for now. I still play an active role in Mom’s life — I manage her finances, take her to doctor appointments — and we have outings to her favorite restaurants. Until I started caring for Mom, I’d never known my capacity to care so deeply. But now we both have full, happy lives. We’re closer than ever.”

For more stories on caretaking:

6 Life Lessons From a Daughter Caring for Her Mother With Multiple Sclerosis

Gina Torres Opens Up About Her Experience as a Caretaker, Her Role on ‘9-1-1: Lone Star’ and Her Powerful New PSA (EXCLUSIVE)

Must-Read Advice from Women Who’ve Cared for Aging Parents