Celebrities who could convince me to suspend my campaign

Imagine being George Clooney.

No, really. Do this with me real quick. It will be more fun than whatever you were planning. That cereal bowl you were about to wash doesn’t have the same mischievous glimmer as our Clooney abstraction.

Ok, so you’re Georgie. You’re an A-list movie star, husband to a brilliant human rights lawyer, father to young twins who are fluent in Italian. At 63, you are devastatingly handsome, gravelly-voiced and wry. You have an easy sexual chemistry with Julia Roberts. You do not face pressure to inject your face with botulinum toxin nor must you worry about elevated metals in tampons. You probably have a favorite leathersmith in Positano.

You wake one morning and decide, “I must nobly free democracy from the threat of totalitarian rule.” In the way a normal person grabs a latte from Dunkin, you decide to hop into the pages of the New York Times and ask President Joe Biden, your buddy, to step aside. The Times replies, “Cool, OK.”

Step out of the Clooney skin now, but hold off washing that dish. We have more to daydream about.

Some argue that those pushing for a Biden replacement are talking to the wrong candidate, that they should tell former President Donald Trump to step aside. While that sentiment is morally crystal-clear, the scenario is not practical. Asking Trump to politely bow out is like asking a goldfish to win Olympic gold on pommel horse. It’s not going to happen.

Thus, Clooney’s op-ed became a serious talking point, a CNN chyron, the subject of speculation and insider chatter. Rolling Stone wrote, “Obama Knew Clooney Was Going to Call for Biden to Drop Out. He Didn’t Try to Stop Him.” Slate offered, “Unfortunately, the George Clooney Op-Ed Was Really Good.” Trump called Clooney a “fake movie actor,” which… literally, yes?

Fairly or not, certain celebs have outsized power to garner attention for issues beyond their field. When Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson got COVID-19, for instance, the pandemic took on a fresh dimension of terror. If America’s Parents could contract the virus, couldn’t we all?

Here’s when I underscore how celebrities have no place in such dire matters, right? Wrong. If the proper stars told me to suspend my theoretical presidential candidacy, refinance my home or try a new espresso maker, I absolutely would. It is not healthy, no, but I inexorably trust glamorous strangers due to decades of pop culture mainlining. Stars! They’re just like us!

They don’t have to be the world’s biggest film icons, either. In my administration’s cabinet, I’m first and foremost heeding the wisdom of my close confidant, David Schwimmer. You read that right: Ross from “Friends.” Schwimmer was instrumental in demanding equal pay for his castmates, so he’s deft at business. He has a sterling reputation for being respectful with women. I would trust him with my drink. If Ross Gellar asked me to PIVOT away from my candidacy, I would.

Now, before you nominate Mark Cuban for the next presidential op-ed, know you are incorrect. When it comes to the “Shark Tank” panel, I’m going with the counsel of Lori Greiner, the Shark who proliferated not only the Scrub Daddy, but the Squatty Potty and the Pizza Cupcake. I might take political advice from the Scrub Daddy itself, come to think. That thing is tough.

Say I ran into Keanu Reeves eating an ice cream cone on a park bench. If he had doubts, I would simply no longer wish to be president. Morgan Freeman, too. Same goes for Jon Hamm, Jon Stewart, Jon Batiste, Jon Bernthal and possibly Jon Bon Jovi. No Johns with an H. Do not ask for clarification.

Furthermore, when Beyoncé, Dolly Parton, Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Meryl Streep, Jodie Foster, Sandra Bullock, Viola Davis, Cynthia Nixon, Wanda Sykes, Sarah Paulson, Holland Taylor, Julia Louis Dreyfus and — yes, OK, let’s add Cardi B — cosign a letter of concern for my acuity, I shall thank them and exit the Oval Office as music from “A Star is Born” softly plays. For when I have been told the truth about my performance from the expert performers themselves, the curtains must fall.

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