Voices: If someone proposed to me like this, my answer would be an immediate ‘no’

For someone that feels ambivalent about marriage, I have surprisingly strong views around proposals.

No, I couldn’t tell you if I definitely want to tie the knot , nor could I give a clear answer on whether or not I’d wear a white dress. I wouldn’t even be able to tell you who I’d be walking down the aisle towards given I’ve been single for the last two years. And yet, if you asked me how I feel about being proposed to, I could pontificate for hours.

Mostly, I could talk about the ways I’d hate to be proposed to . Hiding the ring in a cake? Choking hazard. Getting serenaded on a busy town square by a mariachi band? Just embarrassing. A flash mob that will ruin Abba for you for the rest of your life? Make it stop.

When you think about it, there are so many ways to get proposals wrong, as was demonstrated this week when a Reddit thread revealed that a groom kicked his best man out of his wedding reception after he used his speech as an opportunity to propose to his girlfriend.

“It turned out perfect – almost,” the groom said of his wedding in the Am I the A**hole subreddit. “The ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was even better. Everything was going smoothly until the speeches. John got up to give his best man speech. At first, it was full of the usual jokes and heartfelt stories, which everyone enjoyed. But then, out of nowhere, he turned to his girlfriend and started talking about their relationship. Before I knew it, he was down on one knee, proposing to her right there in the middle of my reception!”

He continued: “John’s girlfriend said yes, and everyone started clapping and cheering, but I was fuming. I felt like my special day had been hijacked. Instead of celebrating our marriage, everyone was now focused on John and his fiancée.”

The incident joins a litany of terrible proposals: from popping the question in a food court or on a Delta Airlines flight , to this dire flash mob . Or what about this proposal fail at Disney World ?

What do all of these proposals have in common, aside from being deeply cringe ? They’re all grand, public displays of affection designed with onlookers and social media views in mind, as opposed to the happiness of the potential future spouse. They’re more of a performance than a genuine declaration of love.

Take the aforementioned wedding examples – by proposing in front of that many people at someone else’s romantic celebration, John isn’t so much proving his love for his girlfriend as he is trying to prove his self-worth to his friends. “Look, everyone, someone loves me so much they want to marry me!” It must be an ego thing, because if it was truly just about his own relationship, why not ask her in private?

This is the thing I’ll never understand about public proposals staged like mini-theatrical productions. Who are you actually doing that for? Why do you need that kind of grand-scale validation for your relationship? Shouldn’t you already be getting that from your partner? If you aren’t, then maybe you’re proposing for the wrong reasons.

If someone proposed to me in any of the aforementioned ways – or, actually, anywhere in public – my answer would be an instant and emphatic “No!”

Not just because of how mortified I’d feel being exposed like that , but because it would show me how little my partner knows and understands me. From my point of view, the best way to be proposed to is in the comfort of your own home. Preferably in bed, swaddled in a soft, comfortable duvet, and surrounded by copious cups of tea. I also wouldn’t be opposed to candles or flowers.

I love the idea of keeping things really simple, and sharing a special moment with one another in the safe space you ideally already share. Nobody around to prove yourself to, and nobody trying to take a video for TikTok. Just two people who love each other very much, making a commitment to one another. What could be more romantic than that?