My brother’s mental illness hovers over my family life | Ask Philippa

The question I’m writing to you about sibling rivalry. I am not sure what to do about my youngest brother – indeed, whether to do anything. In the past he had a schizophrenic episode and was in hospital for a while and received psychiatric support. He made a good recovery and went to university . Since he graduated, though, he has lived at home with our parents and done very little. He exercises excessively to maintain his fitness and mental health. He says he will volunteer, find work, or apply for further study, but doesn’t seem to have done any of this. He doesn’t see friends and rarely goes out, unless to exercise. He has no income and so makes no contribution.

I have tried to talk to my parents, but my mother says she is very hopeful he will get there and my father doesn’t want to rock the boat. Both are retired and fear he may have another schizophrenic episode, so they try hard not to stress him with asking about his future .

My other siblings share my feelings, but it’s the elephant in the room we can’t bring up. I’ve tried to accept it, but I find it hard when I visit them with my children that the situation just seems to continue while I work so hard to provide for my family and to maintain a good social life. I feel my parents are enabling him to lead a half-life where he doesn’t need to grow up. I would add, however, that he is lovely to my children, but very defensive around me (as you might expect).

Philippa’s answer Your situation is delicate and complex, entangled with love, concern and frustration. Your desire to see your brother lead a more fulfilling and independent life is commendable, as is any concern about the impact his situation may be having on your parents. But patience, patience, patience.

It can feel more comfortable, easier and quicker for us to persecute or patronise rather than to empathise and accept. Think about it like this: when you announce you’ve got a cold and instead of getting sympathy you get advice about vitamin C, echinacea and nasal douches, then you are likely to feel more patronised than comforted. The takeaway point here is, be with someone where they are, rather than trying to fix them. Try to feel with rather than deal with . If you are more on the same page as your brother it will be easier for you to have conversations with him about possible action, but not if your frustration is leaking through. When you can talk from a place of love and concern, rather than from sibling rivalry, it will feel easier.

Aim for a loving relationship with him, not one that is directive

It is interesting that you are feeling this as sibling rivalry. He gets to be coddled and you must be a grownup. You seem set against coddling! So, I’m a bit puzzled that this is a concern. Or is your envy (because that is what sibling rivalry is) giving you information about what you need in your own life?

Do you need more coddling? Would you like to be more looked-after than you are? Are you being stridently independent when actually you’d like more support and help? Have you got a belief that it is wrong to be dependent and yet you long to lean on others more? Maybe challenge this belief and luxuriate in leaning on others when you need it. We are not weak when we ask for help – we all need each other. We are here to help and be helped.

Your brother’s mental health is fragile, but you cannot “see” mental health like you could a physical disability, so you think: “Why isn’t he out there, contributing to society?” But he does contribute. He can relate to children, that is contributing. He is doing stuff to help himself by keeping fit, which will help.

I expect when you are around him, you have resentment and so stiffen up, he senses this and so he is defensive around you. We don’t tend to be our best around people who don’t accept us how we are. Not feeling good enough around people because of how they treat us doesn’t do much for our confidence. See if anything shifts if you soften and put aside your judgment and expectations of what you think he should be doing. Some of us need longer than others to internalise that parental safety and love. Your mum has faith this will happen and by being a safe, loving, accepting person, you could help it happen, too.

Remember he hasn’t got your mindset, he has his own. He gets on board with your children by attuning to them – he understands where they are at and meets them there. If you could learn the skill of attunement from him by observing that, it will be easier to imagine how he feels and then you’ll get on with him better.

Aim for a loving relationship with him rather than a directive one. I think he may have things to teach you. If you allow his influence, it will increase the likelihood that he’ll be more open to yours.

Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk . Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions