Let’s jump right into the deep end: I don’t really get a vacation on my family vacations . My mama mental load doesn’t suddenly float away in the pool with our son. I’m still anchored to planning the meals, keeping up our schedule, and looking after my 10-year-old — and my husband. Familiar phrases like, “Have you seen my socks?” or “What time is dinner?” hang in the air. It’s strange, but my role doesn’t suddenly change simply because our scenery did. Huh. Looking at my smiley and relaxed family from behind the travel brochure (that no one else will read), I wonder: Can I get in on some of that valuable recharge time, too?
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Why are family vacations stressful?
When it comes to family vacations, a recent study shows that 82% of travel decisions are made by women — with only 10% saying that their partner planned the whole trip. So, if you feel like your vacation is less of a break and more of another item on your to do list, you’re not the only mom.
Laurel Sims-Stewart, a licensed clinical therapist who works with teens and adults, says moms often fall into the default parent role (the first parent expected to take on parenting tasks), and mamas don’t leave those roles at home — not even on vacation. “We carry these roles inside of us, often subconsciously, no matter where we go,” Sims-Stewart says.
That jittery internal pressure you feel to make the magic happen for your family isn’t just those cups of coffee you had: it’s real. “Moms are often given the message that we are ‘superheroes’ — that no one else can do what we do,” Sims-Stewart explains. This message creates unrealistic expectations that lock us into the same repetitive pattern. Then add a dash of mom guilt to the recipe, and Sims-Stewart says, “These expectations set us up for feeling selfish when we ask for help, especially during vacations or holidays.” With all of this info to unpack, how can moms have a vacation, too, on their family vacation?
We asked the experts (and by experts, we mean in-the-know moms) to give us their secret travel trips. So, here are 4 of the top tips on how to navigate some actual R&R while vacationing with family.
Have conversations to support your needs before you travel.
According to a 2019 survey , 62% of people admit to having real difficulty when it comes to packing for a trip. With all the packing and organizing, those precious hours leading up to your vacay are, well …stressful and busy. So, before the rush takes over every inch of your brain, Sims-Stewart suggests having a conversation with your partner or other adult travelers (like friends and grandparents) about expectations. “Plan times off from kid responsibilities together,” Sims-Stewart says. This plan could look like setting a specific time each day when your partner takes charge of the kids so that you can rest.
Mama Susannah S. from Tennessee says she made it a point to create restoring daily rituals on vacations, saying: “Mom gets breakfast in bed (or alone) and an uninterrupted bath ritual each night.” To this point, Sims-Stewart stresses, do not wait until mid-trip to ask for this. Scheduling ahead assures all vacation-goers are on the same page, and then resentments don’t have a chance to build when plans are already in place.
Pre-plan alone time.
Studies show alone time reduces stress and regulates your mood, making you feel more grounded. And for all you moms reading this, bathroom breaks do not count. This is why Wendy H. of New York says for her planning alone time was crucial — especially if an Airbnb was involved. “I insist on spa time, shopping, or a workout alone,” Wendy begins, “otherwise you become resentful.” When resentments build, this can lead to anger and an increase in your stress levels — which is not exactly what anyone wants on a family getaway. So, decide what type of me-time you’d like, and make your time a priority, too.
Another way to free up space for yourself is taking turns with your partner when it comes to who’s in charge. Amy K. from Florida says on her family trips, she and her husband would swap recharge breaks. “We’d take turns walking on the beach alone or just not to be in charge for 30 minutes or so.” And Sims-Stewart says to talk about dividing up daily tasks between you and your partner or family members — things like putting on morning sunscreen or buying groceries.
“Try to be really specific about the tasks so it’s not assumed you’re going to do all of it,” Sims-Stewart says. This can free up time, mental space, and relieve the pressure of doing everything.
Travel with friends, family, and/or grandparents when you can.
Vacations with close fam, and friends that are family, create connections and memories to last a lifetime. This time together can also assist you in building meaningful “reboot time” into your trip.
When Sharon V. from Texas was a single mama, she’d vacation with her mom and close friends. “My mom would send me off with my friend for an excursion while she had ‘Grammy time’ with her granddaughter.” This time away allowed Sharon to feel like an adult again, while her mom was able to create precious vacay memories with her granddaughter. Sims-Stewart also suggests talking with the grandparents before the trip and setting aside time on a specific night for them to watch the kids so you can hang out with friends or have a date night with your partner.
Arrange trips with kids clubs or other supervised activities.
Certain hotels, resorts, and cruise lines offer kid clubs where your children can go and have safe and supervised fun without you. Caregivers and counselors are there to engage kiddos in age-appropriate activities that include educational explorations and good times with peers. Linda P. from Illinois booked trips where kids clubs were available and says: “We took the kids on a cruise and they had a ‘cruise camp’ where they were doing activities and then on the last night there was a performance.”
When it comes to booking activities for kiddos, here’s a pro tip: Timeshares also have kids clubs. Karen H. from Tennessee says she was always sure to book a timeshare with kids’ activities and playtimes. “Then during the day, for a few days, the kids would have their activities and we would have ours,” Karen says. Children are allowed to form lasting friendships with other kiddos which in turn allows parents to relax on their own. Booking a timeshare gave Karen the relaxing opportunity to pre-plan me-time. “Breakfast would come to my suite in the mornings so I could have more morning time on the beach or in the gym — doing ‘me things,’” Karen says.
How to turn your family “trip” into a true family vacation .
It took a bit of restructuring, but I was able to work in some mom-only-recharge time into our last vacation. I talked to my partner (and 10-year-old) ahead of our trip so everyone was prepared for “time without Mom.” And my me-time, well … it felt weird and wonderful. Sims-Stewart says, if you need some extra support for organizing your recharge moments, practice a motto or mantra in your mind ahead of the vacation and throughout, like, “I’m deserving of a restful, fun time just like everyone else here” or “It’s not my job to make sure everyone has the perfect vacation.” And she’s so right. This way, I no longer need a vacation from my family vacation.
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