‘House Of The Dragon’ Leaderboard: Dragonseeds And Mommy Issues

House of the Dragon’s fifth episode is here to make everyone who’s not a Targaryen feel better about their dysfunctional relationship with their mother. In fact, if you’re not fantasizing about her or skipping over her for a job promotion or getting ignored by her on your deathbed, can you even claim to have mommy issues? Daemon Targaryen would say no.

Speaking of the wayward king (consort), just put an axe in his hand and call him Bob the Builder because he spends yet another hour constructing the walls of a castle intent on putting him in a straightjacket. His inability to do anything productive for Team Black means that his queen and her heir are forced to draft a help wanted sign for potential dragon riders/burn victims. In King’s landing, another bleach-blonde bimbo sits the Iron Throne — or, at least, gazes at it menacingly with his one eye — while a king literally rots in his bed and a dowager queen learns the true definition of sexism in the workplace.

Here’s where every character ranks on the leaderboard after HoTD’s latest episode.

Aemond Targaryen

This might be a little insensitive to say seeing as Aegon’s charred body is fresh off the grill and still giving off smoke, but fratricide really agrees with Aemond Targaryen. He’s practically glowing as he stalks the halls of the Red Keep, counting his brother’s last breaths and sitting in seats he was never meant for, barely giving the maesters time to peel the Valyrian steel from Aegon’s melted flesh before pressing his claim to the throne. He gleefully beats his own mother out for the job and readily flirts with tyranny with his first official act by closing the gates and effectively holding all of King’s Landing hostage. He’s graduated from kinslayer to kingslayer in the span of an episode, but he’s also never looked happier so really, who are we to yuck his yum?

Jacaerys Velaryon

Jace watched that viral clip of Kim Kardashian telling people to get off their asses and work, and he took it personally. The prince who’s single-handedly keeping Westeros’ lip filler industry in business has been sidelined from most of the action this season by his overprotective mother and absentee stepdad, but this week, he decides asking for forgiveness is much more productive than begging for permission. And good for him! He makes headway in the Riverlands, negotiating a deal with the Freys that allows Creagan Stark’s bannermen to pass through on their way to intercept Jason Lannister’s army. He also provides helpful council to his mother, sparking the idea that adding more dragons to their cause might be possible if they start widening the search for riders within their extended bloodline. (Coincidentally, this puts us one step closer to a live-action How To Train Your Dragon montage, which is all we’ve been asking for since this show began.) And he does all this while keeping his skin hydrated, his lips moisturized, and his curls wet. Take notes, Aegon.

Baela Targaryen

With Rhaenys gone, it falls to poor Baela to slap some sense into her self-pitying relatives who’d rather spend their time moping at the marina and contemplating treason than seeking out a grief counselor. Her read on Corlys, effectively dragging him for blaming Rhaenyra for Rhaenys’s death — as if she wasn’t a true dragon rider who fought bravely and earned the right to choose how she R.I.P.ed — was one of the more powerful moments in the episode, as was her parting advice that Corlys quit running at the first sign of trouble and just pick one of his bastard boys to be heir already.

Rhaenyra Targaryen

Rhaenyra is learning that the “how to rule a kingdom” degree she spent her life working to earn is basically useless. She’s on the job now sans a learning curve and her lack of experience is showing. (We love a relatable queen.) As out of her depth wrangling a table of dimwitted humpty dumpties as she is, Rhaenyra proves her resilience this episode, refusing to rise to the bait when the dirty laundry of her broken marriage is aired at her war council and receptive to the risky advice of unexpected allies. She listens when people speak, she considers and contemplates before taking action. Up until this point, that’s been viewed as a weakness, but in welcoming input from the kind of people her “fat old lordlings” would likely scoff at, she’s now one step closer to winning this war.

Mysaria

We hope Mysaria sleeps soundly at night knowing she’s orchestrating the demise of House Hightower from the comfort of Dragonstone while Otto dines on pudding cups and his own tears in an Oldtown nursing home.

Alys Rivers

Alys Rivers is so bored, she’s haunting men’s dreams at Harrenhal, brewing psychedelic teas and listening to whispers on the wind as she conjures sex demons and reminds power-hungry would-be kings of the consort attached to their self-given titles. She would’ve loved Lana Del Rey’s “Born To Die” album.

Criston Cole

Criston Cole is experiencing what medical experts might call PTSD, if medical experts existed in George R.R. Martin’s fantasy series. But, since they don’t, this moody douche-canoe is managing his mental breakdown in the worst ways possible. He’s miscalculating the smallfolk’s idolatry of dragons, he’s putting a murderous mean girl on the throne, and he’s fumbling the bag with the only woman in King’s Landing desperate enough to look twice at his penis. It’s exactly what this sobbing idiot sandwich deserves.

Alicent Hightower

All of that internalized misogyny that Alicent’s been wielding for her own benefit for the last couple of decades is actualized against her in this episode and she’s got the gall to actually be upset about it. One son’s a shish kabob, the other’s a tyrant, she’s surrounded by power-hungry men who’ve constantly degraded the only other woman who’s attempted to seize the throne, and she’s spent an entire season helping them to deny her rightful claim simply because of her sex. Alicent learned something this week that everyone woman should know — it never pays to be a pick-me girl.

Daemon Targaryen

Daemon has gone a bit mad with power – or the illusion of it. It’s like the writers of HOTD saw a few episodes of Nathan Felder’s The Curse and thought, yeah, that’s what the biggest fuck boi in Westeros was probably doing during his sabbatical. He’s renovating and gentrifying and stirring up hungry, malevolent spirits. He’s secretly ordering war crimes and having weird sex dreams about his dead mother at night. He’s utterly useless, to the point he’s become a real threat to his wife’s campaign. At this point, we’re almost wishing that Aemond would put him out of his misery.

Corlys Velaryon

If Corlys wants to do us a favor and get on his tiny boat to sail straight into a hurricane, no one’s stopping him.

Aegon Targaryen

There’s not much to say about Aegon this episode except that he was trotted into King’s Landing in an oversized cat carrier and he spent the rest of his time getting peeled like a boiled shrimp while crying for his mommy. Karma is a doctor and this is exactly what she ordered.