50 People Share The Funniest Jokes They Still Think About Today

Not long ago we compiled jokes Quora users found so funny that they still think about them today, and then we wrote a couple more posts where BuzzFeed Community members shared their own unforgettable jokes. Here are 50 of the best jokes from the series...plus some hilarious new submissions:

1. "The world’s greatest Spanish speaking magician was just about to perform his final act. He shouted 'Uno! Dos!…' and disappeared without a tres."

— jmacxjr

2. "A woman holding her little baby in her arms gets onto a bus. The driver says, 'Wow, that’s an ugly baby!' The woman is outraged, but says nothing. As she walks back to an open seat, another passenger sees that she is upset, and asks why. She says, 'That bus driver was so rude and insulting!' The passenger says, 'Why, you just go right back and give the driver a piece of your mind! Here, I’ll hold your monkey.'”

— Mark P ., Quora

3. "A guy is in for a job interview, and the interviewer asks him, 'What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?'"

"The guy replies, 'Honesty. I’m honest with everyone; I don’t know how to be anything other than completely honest with every single person I meet.'

The interviewer says, 'I don’t really see how honesty could be considered a weakness? In fact, I think honesty is a great strength!'

To which the guy replies, 'I don’t really give a shit what you think.'”

— Steven O ., Quora

4. "A man in a bar notices two women having a conversation a couple of seats down. He goes up to them and says, 'Excuse me but you have such lovely accents. Are you ladies from England?' One of the women turns to him and condescendingly says, 'No, Wales.' The man says, 'Oh, I apologize. Are you whales from England?'"

— jmacxjr

5. "A bloke goes to an ice cream van and says, ‘Large cone please’ in a quiet, croaky voice."

"Vendor says, ‘Raspberry syrup?’

‘Yes please,’ replies the bloke in the same painful sounding voice.

'Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ says the bloke, pointing to his throat, ‘Laryngitis.’"

— Salvatore W ., Quora

6. "A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'Hey, I'll bet you a free beer that you can't guess what's in my pocket.' The bartender accepts and guesses a wallet. The man says, 'No, it's a 10-inch pianist.' He sets the pianist on the table and plays a beautiful melody. The bartender says, 'Well, that's pretty cool.' The guy agreed and said, 'You give me another beer, and I'll let the wizard in my other pocket grant you a wish.' The bartender agreed happily and said, 'I want a million bucks!' Just then the bar began to fill with a million ducks. The bartender was very unhappy and began to insult the man. The man said, 'What, you think I wanted a 10-inch pianist?'"

— messywizard79

7. "A blonde, brunette, and redhead are on the run from police and take cover in a barn. The best hiding spot available is behind large sacks of potatoes. It isn't long before the police arrive at the farm and enter the barn. As the police look around with their flashlights, the girls stay completely still and silent. A spider crawls across one of their legs, prompting her to kick it off — that made a slight noise. The police approach the sacks of potatoes and listen for another noise. One officer kicks a sack with his boot. The brunette says, 'Meow.' Oh, just a cat. He kicks the next sack, and the redhead says, 'Woof.' Oh, just a dog. He kicks the last sack, and the blonde says, 'Sack of potatoes.'"

— Bettysometimes

8. "A man walks into the therapist's office and says, 'I think I might be a dog.' The therapist offers him a seat, and the man responds, 'Oh I'm not allowed on the furniture.'"

— leslie12345

9. “So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says, ‘Get me some Chapstick, and put it on my bill.’”

— rohasi

10. "A guy dies and, having been far from perfect in life, finds himself in hell. The devil greets him and explains that he'll have to pick from one of three rooms to spend eternity in. So, the guy looks into the first room and sees anguished people shrieking in horror as they burn in a massive fire. He quickly shuts the door. He moves on to the second room where panicked people are being violently torn to shreds by giant, raging gorillas. The guy quickly shuts that door, too. He then moves on to the third room where people sit in vats of shit up to their waists...but also drink coffee and eat donuts."

"Hmmmm , the guy thinks. Sitting in shit all day doesn't sound great, but it sure beats the eternal hellfire and raging gorillas! Plus, there's coffee and donuts!

So he tells the devil he'll take room number three. A supervisor comes over, helps him into his own vat, and hands him a cup of coffee and a donut.

Not bad! he thinks as he dunks the donut into the coffee. For hell this is not bad at all!

Just then the supervisor blows a whistle and says, "OK, everyone. Break's over. Back on your heads!"

—Mike Spohr, BuzzFeed

11. "A lady goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of her knickers. The doctor says, 'Oh, this is a strange one.' ... The lady says, 'And that's just the tip of the iceberg.'”

— loz1986

12. "What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe?"

— thatsjustitthough

13. "A little old lady has a husband whose farting has gotten ridiculous. Especially at night, in bed, it's gotten way out of hand. Angrily, she tells him he's gotta do something about it! Or one of these days he's going to fart his insides out! He ignores her pleas, and every night, the farting gets worse. I'll show him, she thinks."

"The next morning she wakes up early and creeps to the kitchen. She gets the gizzard and inner turkey parts she was going to give to their cat, and instead silently places them on the bed next to her husband.

A little while later, her husband comes into the kitchen, and he looks upset.

'I guess you were right after all, Agnes... I farted my guts out overnight!'

Agnes feigned innocence, asking, 'Maybe it's time to talk to the doctor about this?'

'Nah,' her husband replied. 'I'll be ok, I just stuffed them back in.'"

— zazupitz

14. "A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems. 'Yes doctor, I have a problem. I have to fart a lot. I fart all the time. Fortunately, no one can hear them or smell them. In fact, I have farted twice just since you came in. I bet you couldn’t hear or smell them, could you?'"

"The doctor gives her an examination and says to her, 'I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral.'

'The over-the-counter medication will help your body produce less gas, the prescription medication will help you recover your sense of smell, and I am giving you a referral to an Audiologist to see if they can help you to hear better.'”

— Chuck D ., Quora

15. "Two sperm swimming around inside a lass. One says, 'Are we at the egg yet?' The other replies, 'Nah mate, we've only just passed the tonsils...'"

— mostlyharmless42

16. "A truck driver is starving and stops at a biker bar. He orders a beer and some food. Right after he’s served, a biker gang enters the bar, eager for a fight. One walks up to the trucker, and slaps his hat off. The trucker takes a sip of beer. Another biker swats his food off the table. The trucker takes another sip of beer. So a third biker grabs the beer and pours it over the trucker’s head. The trucker gets up, pays the bill, and leaves. The biker leader says, 'That trucker sure wasn’t much of a fighter.' The bartender says, 'He’s not much of a driver either. He just drove over all your bikes!'”

— aditson

17. "An elephant walked up to a man on a nudist beach and asked, 'How do you eat with that?'"

— chi_liete

18. "Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The second old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week."

"Sure enough, a few days later, she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says, 'Young man, I would like to buy a condom, please.'

The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, 'Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before…um. What size do you need?'

The old woman pauses, then replies, 'I need one that will fit a camel.'”

— Mario L ., Quora

19. "Doctor: I have good news and bad news."

"Patient: 'OK, first, what's the good news?'

Doctor: 'You have 24 hours to live.'

Patient: 'Oh god, just 24 hours to live, that is good news? I can't imagine what the bad news is going to be.'

Doctor: 'I forgot to phone you yesterday.'"

— SBZ , Quora

20. "The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.'”

“'I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'OK. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It’s a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

''Are you OK?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.'"

— Helen E ., Quora

21. "My wife called out to me from the other room: 'Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest…like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?' I said, 'No?!' She said: '…How about now?'”

— Bill W ., Quora

22. "Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, ‘I wish I could do that.’ The other guy replies, ‘I’d pet him first.’"

— sassyghoul20

23. "What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste."

— jillievanilli

24. "Before the EU, a German tourist was entering France when the border agent asked, 'Name?' The German replied, 'Heinrich Gruber.' The agent then asked, 'City of residence?' The German replied, 'Frankfurt.' Finally, the agent asked, 'Occupation?' And the German replied, 'No, just visiting.'"

— Norm K ., Quora

25. "A man goes to the zoo, but there's only one animal there. The animal is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu."

— sewskilled

26. Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome. One nun looks over at the other and says, 'You know, I’ve never come this way before.' The other nun replies, 'Must be the cobblestones.'”

— David H ., Quora

27. "A man sits at a bar and orders 10 beers and drinks them one after the other. He then orders nine beers and drinks them as well, and this goes on and on."

"So he orders seven beers and drinks them, six beers and drinks them, five beers and drinks them, and then finally four beers. After drinking these last four beers, he says to the bartender:

'I don’t understand this. The less beers I drink, the more drunk I get.'”

— Thomas C ., Quora

28. "Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available."

"The older sister says, 'I’m going to take the bus to the stockyards since you need the pickup truck. When I get there, if I decide to buy a bull, I'll contact you to bring the pickup truck and trailer and haul it home.'

The older sister arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she makes her way to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram telling her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister, telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator said he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, she only had one dollar, enough to send one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her this word: comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable"?'

She explained, 'This is a big word for my sister. So she'll read it very slowly...sounding it out as com-for-da-bull.'"

— Michael P ., Quora

29. "Guy walks into a bar. Tells the bartender to set ’em up for the house and tells the bartender to have one himself. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, 'I ain't got no money.' The bartender bum-rushes the guy out the door and throws him into the street."

"Next night, the same guy walks in and tells the bartender to set up doubles for the house and says to the bartender, 'Just to show I ain't got no hard feelings about last night, pour yourself a double, too.' The bartender presents the guy with the bill.

The guy says, 'I told you last night, I ain't got no money!'

'Why you dirty SOB,' the bartender yells as he once again tosses the guy into the street.

Next night, the guy's back. 'Set up triples for the house,' he says, 'but, no, no, not for you.'

'Why not me?' asks the bartender.

'Because, you get mean when you drink!!'”

— David W ., Quora

30. "One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits his job, gives up his apartment, and rents out a cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door."

"He opens the door to see this huge lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually, the big man speaks:

'I’m yer neighbor from the cabin about a mile down the road. Anyhow, I’m having a party on Saturday, and I wondered if you’d like to come.'

The guy pauses for a second and then replies: 'You know what, that would be great. It is about time I got out, and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.'

'Right,' says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. 'I’ll see you about 8 o’clock on Saturday then.' And then he turns to leave.

But he pauses for a second and then turns back: 'I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.'

'Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit myself back in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with a bit of hard liquor.'

'Right then,' says the big man. 'Well, 8 o’clock then.'

But as he turns to go, he pauses again and turns back. 'Yeah, I should also mention: Most likely there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.'

'Uh, well, OK,' the guy replies. 'I mean, I get on pretty well with most people so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.'

'Right then,' says the big man. 'See you at 8 o’clock then.'

But once again, he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard. 'So I probably also need to tell you: There might be some pretty wild sex.'

The guy perks up a bit at that. 'Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that’s what happens.'

'OK then,' says the man. 'Well, see you Saturday.' And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.

'Oh wait, just one question,' says the guy. 'What should I wear?'

The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again. 'I don’t suppose it really matters much. It's just gonna be you and me.'"

— Colin R ., Quora

31. "My parrot recently died. Its last words were, 'Fuck, I think my parrot's about to die.'"

— indy1989

32. "A man tells his doctor, 'Help me doctor, I'm addicted to Twitter!' The doctor responds, 'Sorry, I don't follow you...'"

— xy8lu

33. "Three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park. A completely naked man runs past them. Two of them had a stroke. One wasn't fast enough."

— mostlyharmless42

34. "A guy goes to confession and says, 'Bless me father for I have sinned. On Friday I went golfing, and I used the 'F' word. The priest says, 'Tell me about it, my son.'"

"The man says, 'I was on the first tee, and I shanked a shot wide left.' The priest says, 'Oh, you must have said it then.' The man said, 'No, because the ball went into the woods, hit a tree, and bounced back right in the middle of the fairway.'

The priest says, 'And then what happened?' The man says, 'I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right.' The priest says, 'So that’s when you said it?' The man says 'No, because my shot hit the ball washer machine on the next hole, popped up, and wound up right in the low rough.'

So the priest says, 'Oh, so that’s when you said it, then.' He said, 'No, because I took my wedge and hit it, and it wound up on the green, about six inches from the cup.'

There’s silence for a while, and then the priest says, 'Don’t tell me you missed that fucking putt…'"

— Kurt B ., Quora

35. "A man goes up to Professor X and says he'd like to join the X-Men. 'Sure,' Professor X says. 'What's your ability?' 'I have perfect hindsight,' the man says. Professor X frowns. 'I really don't think that's going to help us much.' 'Yeah,' the man replies, 'I can see that now.'"

— kmskoby

36. "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!"

—Lindsey Jackson Keele, Facebook

37. "What do you call a guy laying by the door? Matt. What do you call a guy hanging on the wall? Art. What do you call a guy floating in a pool? Bob. And my favorite: What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head? Cliff!"

— crookedflowers

38. "An older retired couple that had been married for 50 years was struggling to keep up the romance in their marriage after their looks had faded with their hair turning gray, their skin sagging, and their bodies becoming more tired. One day, they figured out a way to keep their love alive and well: They had a nightly ritual to eat dinner together completely naked."

"One day, the wife told her husband, 'This is really working because my tits are so hot for you!' The husband replied, 'I can see that, sweetheart!' The wife asked how he could see that, and the husband replied, 'Well, one of your nipples is in your tea, and the other is in your soup!'”

— bcheese

39. "My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeean."

— flightforvanity

40. "A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, 'I think I’m a typo.'"

— jmacxjr

41. "Has your doctor talked to you about the benefits of adding dried fruit to your diet? I’m just raisin awareness."

— goldenlion71

42. "As a natural blonde, into my 40s, I LOVE collecting blonde jokes. My favorite: Two blondes walk into a bar, super happy and excited. They order their drinks, and the bartender overhears them a few times saying 'Two weeks!' while clinking their glasses or high-fiving in celebration. Intrigued, he asks, 'So what are you two ladies celebrating this evening?' and one explains, 'Well, we got this puzzle and on the box it said "6 months–1 year"' … The other finishes her sentence, 'And we finished it together in ONLY TWO WEEKS!'”

— crookedflowers

43. "A magician was walking down the street and turned into a drug store."

— jmacxjr

44. "A man walks into a pub in London and places his hat down on the empty seat next to him. Before he even has time to order a beer, a dog belonging to another man sitting next to him promptly eats the hat."

“'Excuse me,' says the now hatless man, 'your dog just ate my hat!'

The owner of the dog rudely replies: 'Yeah, so what?'

Quite offended, the hatless man steps up off his chair and loudly proclaims: 'Look here, I don’t like your attitude!'

To which the owner of the dog shouts back: 'Attitude? Attitude?!! It was your bloody ‘at ‘e chewed!'”

— marcelswhalemask

45. "What’s round on the ends and high in the middle? Ohio."

— cmjd77

46. "A man goes to the hospital and says, 'Doctor, doctor! I have the worst symptoms. I’ve had "What’s New Pussycat?" stuck in my head for weeks!' The doctor says, 'It sounds like you have a case of Tom Jones syndrome.' The man asks, 'Is that common?' And the doctor replies, 'It’s not unusual.'”

— thebiggestsparrow

47. "Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other, 'Wow, it's hot in here!' The other muffin says, 'Hey, a talking muffin!'"

— leslie12345

48. "So the family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra. We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard."

— jbdnco

49. "A dog wanders into the jungle. A lion spots him but has never seen a dog before. But the lion wants to know what this new creature tastes like, so he charges at the dog. The dog panics but then sees some lion bones next to him. So the dog loudly says, 'That was one delicious lion!' The lion quickly stops. 'Damn, this creature is a bigger threat than I thought!' But a monkey high in the trees saw everything and, wanting to curry some favor with the king of the jungle, tells the lion what he saw. The lion is outraged and starts to charge the dog again. But the dog saw the monkey talking to the lion and figured out what happened. So the dog loudly asks, 'Where the hell is that monkey with the second lion he promised me?'"

— aditson

50. "This one requires a bit of setup, but I promise it's worth it. Peter, a junior in high school, decides he's going to ask his friend Jack (who is on the basketball team and far more popular than Peter) for some tips on how to impress girls. Jack tells Peter to come over after school the next day, because he has a few ideas that Peter can practice on Jenna, Jack's sister, who is in the grade below the two boys. Peter and Jenna haven't interacted much, because Jenna is really shy, but she has had a crush on Peter for a while now."

"Cut to flirting practice, Peter realizes that he and Jenna are fairly compatible, so he asks her out for real. They go on a few dates and are having a great time as a couple. Peter realizes that junior prom is approaching, and he asks Jenna to go with him. She eagerly accepts.

The day arrives, and they go in a limo with Jack and some other friends. They're having a ton of fun dancing when Jenna tells Peter that her feet hurt and that she's thirsty, and asks him to grab something to drink for her while she sits for a minute. Peter heads over to the snack table, and there is no punch line."

— sewskilled

Got a joke you still think about today? Let us know in the comments or share it via this anonymous form and it could appear in a future BuzzFeed Community post!