The Olympics are pretty great ... and pretty weird

I am pretty excited right now, because in just a few more days, the Olympic games begin.

I’m not sure if it’s the wall-to-wall sports and competition among the greatest athletes on the planet or maybe it’s the connection to the glorious, sun-soaked days of summer, but I just love it.

But I gotta admit, the Olympics are kind of weird … actually, they are really weird. They bring things under the worldwide spotlight that would otherwise linger in obscurity and trivia game answers.

Yes, we have events that feature feats of elite strength, endurance, speed and skill. We have heroes from the track like Usain Bolt and Carl Lewis and gymnasts like Mary Lou Retton whose mastery of aerial acrobatics boggles the mind.

But the Olympiad slate takes quite a few turns out into left field. I have watched the world’s greatest table tennis players and I have seen the finest badminton athletes tangle. I’m sure most of you have witnessed synchronized swimming and during the winter games, you have no doubt encountered the ski-and-shoot biathlon and curling, the sport where shuffleboard and janitorial skills collide.

Have you ever watched Olympic speed walkers? That’s quite the spectacle, isn’t it? Imagine going on a shopping trip to Walmart with one of those guys during training season. And have you seen how fast these guys can walk? The world record 5K time is 18:05 – that’s a 5:47 per-mile average! That’s fast enough to make most high school varsity cross country teams!

But all these events seem downright mainstream compared to the modern pentathlon, a five-sport competition that marries swimming, fencing, showjumping, distance running and pistol shooting. It’s like they threw darts at a board with multiple methods of competition, and someone said, “Screw it, let’s do all of them!”

The good news is these pentathletes have four years to train, which might be necessary when you have to master the freestyle stroke, swordplay, and horseback and handgun skills, all while boosting your cardiovascular endurance. But I just can’t imagine training incessantly for some of these other sports when you only get to showcase your skills once every four years. That is a LOT of table tennis or badminton training. What about those poor folks who run the brooms in the curling competition? You can’t tell me that doesn’t get old VERY quickly, right?

But hey, at least they get a shot at a gold medal, right? They could lay claim to the world’s best. That’s not something the TV experts can expect. You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? No matter the Olympic event, there are experts on it, giving us play-by-play and nuanced critiques that dissect numerous facets of form, strategy and obscure rules. They are the Marv Alberts and John Maddens of everything from curling and badminton to fencing and water polo. If training to compete for an event that is only seen every four years seems futile, imagine researching and rehearsing to give expert commentary on those events. Does that really take four years? And if it doesn’t, what else do they do to pass the time and earn a living? What other market for that depth of knowledge could there be?

Do you ever wonder about the origins of some of these athletes? At what point did the gold medalist in table tennis decide to go all-in on ping pong? What kid on the swim team decided racing just wasn’t as enticing as performing a carefully choreographed pool ballet? What endurance athlete decided running ain’t their bag and committed to powerwalking for the gold?

It boggles the mind – but it’s that kind of closeminded thinking that has probably stopped me from winning a gold medal of my own. Maybe, I need to take a more progressive, open-minded approach. In fact, why commit to one of the already-established “fringe” Olympic sports? Why not come up with some of my own?

The possibilities seem endless, don’t you think? How about Red Rover? I think I still remember how to play that game. Ever seen a flash mob, when a bunch of people spontaneously break out a choreographed dance number in a public place? It ain’t that different from synchronized swimming, is it? Why not spice up the running events again? We’ve seen the steeplechase – distance running with water hurdles. Let’s create an Olympic sport that involves running with scissors. I’d watch that all afternoon, and I bet you would, too. And in the spirit of turning backyard barbecue games like badminton into world class sports, I submit Olympic beer chugging and for the non-drinkers, Olympic speed knitting.

Until that happens, I plan to tune in soon and root for the ol’ U.S. of A and enjoy the type of country-on-country competition that only the Olympics can offer. I can hardly wait!