Chelsea Jernigan: People-pleasing is lying

I’ve changed a lot over the last few years, but growing up and through the majority of my teens, 20s and very early 30s, I was a full-fledged Type A, people-pleasing perfectionist.

I’m sure if I tried really hard, I could point to some reasons for this, but truthfully, I think there’s so much in us that we are just born with. Many of the qualities I’m watching develop in my own children were present at birth. My husband and I didn’t encourage them, they were just there!

For example, my first child came out looking like he was irritated at the world. His little face stayed that way for a couple of months, and I began to believe he would always look frustrated. While his face did soften eventually and smiles began to appear, to this day he is a realist at best and a full on pessimist at worst.

My second-born, on the other hand, literally smiled in the hospital the same day she was born and she’s been smiling ever since. She’s joyful and happy and excited by the littlest things. They’re polar opposites in almost every way.

We didn’t aim to have kids on opposite ends of the personality spectrum, and we certainly didn’t encourage either of them to land where they have. These particular pieces to the puzzles that make up who they are were just there from day one.

I’ve always felt the same was true about my Type A, people-pleasing, perfectionistic qualities as well — they were always there. My parents didn’t have to encourage them. If anything, they tried really hard to get me to calm down and chill out a little! It didn’t work, but I do appreciate that they tried.

It took me beginning to crack under my own self-induced pressures to finally be able to loosen the valve and allow myself to exhale. That was after I’d spent my entire life with a certain level of tension always present right under the surface.

When I first decided to reach out for help, it was because I thought I needed someone outside of me to help me figure out if I wanted to keep my business or not. I was overwhelmed by it, so that was the only problem I saw that needed solving.

Much to my surprise, it turned out that my business was not the problem. I did ultimately decide to let it go, but one of the bigger issues that needed to be released was my tendency towards people-pleasing.

My life coach looked at me through a computer screen one day and told me that I was lying to everyone when I was choosing people-pleasing over being honest about how I felt and what I wanted. “What? How could that be? I don’t lie to people. I’m being nice by doing what they want,” I thought to myself.

Thankfully, she wasn’t willing to let this point go, and friends, I can proudly and vehemently say to you today that she was right! People-pleasing is, without a shadow of a doubt, lying!

It is saying yes to events when you don’t actually want to go. It is taking on projects you don’t want to do out of guilt or fear. It is avoiding saying what you think because it might make someone else uncomfortable. It is lying about what is true for you.

All the while, you are uncomfortable, you are frustrated, you are resentful and you are exhausted. And for what? Just to do what you think will make someone else happy when, in reality, most people that matter want what’s best for you, and if you’d just speak your truth, they’d be on board with any decision you made!

I wish I could say that reading this article will be enough to knock you off your people-pleasing high horse like my coach knocked me off mine, but the truth is you won’t likely wake up tomorrow after reading this and simply stop people-pleasing if it’s something you struggle with.

However, I do want to offer you some hope. People-pleasing (lying) is a choice, which means you can decide to make a change and you can decide to be honest, truthful and transparent. You just might need a little support along the way. It can be me or it can be someone else, but either way, I can promise you that life on the other side of people-pleasing is so much sweeter and so much calmer and so much more peaceful.

Why not give it a try? Or at the very least, give it some thought.