Losing just as much a part of life as winning

This past weekend, I was in Virginia visiting my family. Luckily, all of my cousins (and their kids, my second cousins) live within a couple of miles of one another, so it’s easy to gather everyone together. We spent one day at the pool, and my 5-year-old cousin Hadley and her best friend were playing basketball (very, very modified version) in the pool. Hadley was losing to her friend, and with a very frustrated voice she turned to me and said, “She has made 6 and I’ve only made 3, Emma Jane! It’s not fair! I don’t want to play.”

At first, I was not really sure what to do. I do not have kids, and usually when I interact with my cousins, I’m the “playful adult,” and I rarely have to discipline or handle any meltdowns like this one. I thought to myself, “Do I tell her she can stop playing? Do I get all serious and say, ‘You cannot quit in the middle of a game!’ or, do I tell her it’s OK to lose?”

That all went through my mind in a matter of seconds, and I decided to be honest with her. I looked at her and said, “OK, that’s fine! Do you know how many times I’ve lost a game? It’s OK! We are going to lose sometimes and win sometimes, but either way, it’s all right!”

That was when she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “You’ve lost a game before, too?” It was like it had never occurred to her that we (adults) in fact have lost many games before, and we still live to tell the tale. Parenting is not at all something I claim to have any knowledge over – I mean really, God bless y’all who do it because I’m still a difficult child at age 28 – but I have come to think that maybe there are times kids just want to know they are not alone in how they feel, the same way we adults do.

Hadley did decide to keep playing the game, and she continued to lose, but then she played another one. I think she cared less about the outcome once she understood that even grownups lose games, but that does not mean that it isn’t worth playing. I caught myself feeling so tempted to change the game when she got upset. Instead of playing modified basketball, I wanted to pick something she is good at, like handstands in the pool, but had we gone that route, what would that have possibly shown her? That if we are struggling, we just change tasks?

Instead of switching it up right away, we waited until after we finished basketball, and then we did handstand and forward flip competitions in the pool. Since I was the judge, it was easy to make sure they each got some wins! I think there is probably a different approach that works best for every kid. One thing I’ve heard my own mom say over and over, “You don’t know what will work for your kid until you meet them.”

And this is true in more ways than one; however, I still think every kid probably needs to be reminded that all of us have experienced hard losses and challenges we have to overcome. I don’t think every lost game needs to be a “lesson,” that we teach kids, but instead, they can be a chance to remind them they will get through this and be OK in a little bit.

I love sports because we can start learning from an early age that we are capable of doing – and overcoming – hard things, and we do not have to hear it from our parents to understand this. Simply playing sports and interacting with teammates puts kids in challenging positions at every practice, and they learn to navigate obstacles they aren’t presented with at home.

We were not playing organized basketball – we were in a cousin’s pool – and yet, we still walked away each having learned something. My little cousin learned she can lose and keep playing, and that she is not alone in that. I learned that sometimes being vulnerable and honest with kids can be all they need.

Most importantly, I learned I’m glad I still have the role of play facilitator and get out of the hard parts of parenting!

E.J. Proctor Story, a 2014 graduate of Fike High, was the starting goalkeeper for Duke’s 2015 NCAA runner–up year, 2016 Elite 8 finish and 2017 Final Four finish. Currently the Duke record holder for shutouts and goals against average, she went on to play one season professionally with the Utah Royals FC after graduating from Duke. Now back in Wilson, E.J. is assisting with coaching youth soccer players and is employed as the Lead Physical Therapist for Wilson County Schools.

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