‘Those About to Die’ Review: No, We Are Not Entertained

Every streamer gets the “Game of Thrones” copycat it deserves. HBO, the original house of the dragons, can lay claim to an official prequel series that’s slavishly devoted to its predecessor. Prime Video, which would be the Scrooge McDuck of streaming if not for Apple TV+, can spend all of McBezos’ money rebooting “The Lord of the Rings,” yet still end up with a naggingly laborious “Rings of Power.” Netflix, always happier to buy talent than develop good ideas, hired “Game of Thrones” showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss to turn a “3 Body Problem” into a three-season snooze (replete with problems that plagued their last few seasons in Westeros).

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There are others — some, even, quite successful — but let’s steer our dragons toward the latest attempt: Peacock’s “Those About to Die” leans on epic political machinations, brutal violence, and cold, calculating characters to sell its saturated vision of the Roman Empire as a worthy addition to any George R.R. Martin fan’s watchlist. But even without fire-breathing beasts, its predictable plotting, dubious fight choreography, and bland batch of power players almost immediately scuttles any hope the 10-episode first season has of becoming every streamer’s dream show: the next “Game of Thrones.”

Still, it tries. If forced to choose a lead among an ensemble that starts thin and becomes thinner, I’d go with Iwan Rhaeon as Tenax, the owner and operator of Rome’s most successful betting tavern. The former “Game of Thrones” sicko (who provides opening and closing narration, despite zero voiceover in between) has his sights set on a higher station, hoping to take advantage of the impending turnover in Caesar’s halls. Emperor Vespasian (Anthony Hopkins, in a brief, unmemorable appearance that better have come with a huge paycheck) is old and dying. His two sons, Titus (Tom Hughes) and Domitian (Jojo Macari), both hope to succeed him. Vespasian’s decision comes down to whether he’s more concerned with Rome’s outside intruders — who could be fought off by his warrior son, Titus — or traitors within its walls, who a political animal like Domitian could more easily tame.

And yet for as much time is spent with each son, the fate of Rome isn’t all that relevant to “Those About to Die.” Far more prominent are the chariot races and gladiator matches from which the series takes its name. At night, there are secret meetings and ambitious plotting, but by day, all of Rome gathers to be distracted by bloody games. Tenax rigs what races he can in order to maximize his payouts, relying on a hotshot chariot rider named Scorpus (Dimitri Leonidas) to win at the exact moment it’s most profitable, while influencing betters (and their confidants) whenever he needs extra assurances that the odds remain in his favor. Tanax wants to use that money to start his own faction — the gold faction — to compete against the traditional colors flown by Rome’s highborn families.

A gold chariot would mark the first new color to compete in hundreds of years, and it’s rather surprising the ease at which Tanax goes about setting it up — a streak of convenience that doesn’t stop with him. Just when Tanax needs to win most, in waltzes a trio of horse trainers with the fastest horses Scorpus has ever seen. And when the traditional factions throw a fit over the fresh competition, wouldn’t you know it, there’s a whole new arena being built that won’t be owned by those aristocrats — it will be owned and operated by the people (and still insanely profitable for anyone taking wagers, like Tanax).

When the horses aren’t paying out, there’s money to be made from gladiator matches. While properly hyped and with a few stylish pieces of armor, these far-too-regular fights face the same problems as the races: They’re redundant, unsurprising, and oddly sanitized, despite the occasional hacked-off limb. Creator Robert Rodat, working from the book of the same name by Daniel P. Mannix, shares some of the blame for the series’ soggy storylines and leaden repetitiveness, but his scripts certainly provide enough opportunities for the director to put on a show. Alas, if Russell Crowe’s Maximus Decimus Meridius was part of this Circus Maximus, he wouldn’t even bother to ask if anyone was entertained.

Peacock has been pushing three elements while selling “Those About to Die”: its historic tie-in to the Olympics, which will be streaming on the service shortly after the series premieres; Anthony Hopkins, who, again, is barely in this; and director Roland Emmerich, the German filmmaker behind “Universal Soldier,” “Independence Day,” and “The Day After Tomorrow” — and, more recently, “Moonfall,” “Midway,” and “Independence Day: Resurgence.”

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The vast majority of Emmerich’s work relies on spectacle as a sales point. (Besides an exception here and there for Will Smith or Jeff Goldblum, no one remembers the character arcs in his movies.) But the spectacle in “Those About to Die” is superficial CGI that drains the blood, sweat, and tears out of a story that should be soaked with all three. As the chariots careen across the Colosseum’s dirt track, clouds of dust and grime swirl around the wheels, surrounding the horses and riders struggling to stay standing. But when we cut in for close-ups, they look like they just stepped out of the shower. Their skin is sparkling. Their eyes are clear. There’s no nicks or cuts from flying debris, just pretty faces pretending not to see the green screens all around them.

The gladiator matches feel similarly sterile and staged, but for as disconnected as the horses were from their environment, at least the racing went through the motions well enough. Way too many fight scenes feature slow, short-armed attacks that clearly don’t connect with their targets. Most are egregiously repetitive, without a hint of interest shown in making Ancient Rome’s favorite form of entertainment feel convincingly entertaining. And these gladiators sure do roll around on the ground a lot, often defenseless, while their opponent happily waits for them to get their bearings again.

But the worst form of redundancy comes from watching the onlookers. The lead gladiator goes by Kwame (Moe Hashim), an African hunter captured by the Roman army and forced to fight for his freedom. Every time he steps into the arena, Emmerich cuts to his mother, Cala (Sara Martins), and we have to watch her scream and weep, beg and whimper, over and over and over again. Her anguish quickly becomes our own, and any excitement to be felt over Kwame’s victories are more than quelled by the unbearable distress of seeing a Black mother watch her Black son get brutally beaten for the glee of a largely white audience.

If “Those About to Die” had any interest in using its story to parallel the racial power imbalance in sports — like, say, how many white owners there are in the NFL — or point out the racial disparity among gambling addicts , as online betting continues to run rampant, then perhaps Cala’s recurring misery would serve an actual point. Instead, all those tears are simply there to make up for an absent emotional connection to these characters — and to ruin any chance the series has of being big, schlocky fun.

For as much as I would love to see another network actually get the “Game of Thrones” formula right (simply to spare myself and other hopeful viewers from more aimless barbarity), “Those About to Die” isn’t a worthy successor to anything. It does just enough to pass as an expensive-looking knock-off (my god, wait ’til you see the opening credits) that Peacock can advertise in between Olympic relay races, but there’s no purpose under its shiny armor beyond another misconceived ploy for someone else’s power.

Grade: D

“Those About to Die” premieres Thursday, July 18 on Peacock. All episodes will be released at once.