Feeling Green? Experts Share How To Turn Envy Into an Asset — And Use It as Fuel To Achieve Your Goals

It's perfectly natural to compare ourselves to others — and feel a twinge of envy when we fear we're falling short. Far from the sin we've all been taught it is, envy can be a powerful motivator, a kind of spotlight we can use to learn more about ourselves and what we truly want in life. Keep reading for psychologists' strategies proven to help you transform this misunderstood and all-too-human emotion into a tool for achieving the happiness and success you deserve in life.

1. Discover the true meaning of envy

We often say we’re jealous, when we’re actually envious, observes clinical psychologist Josh Gressel, PhD., author of Embracing Envy: Finding the Spiritual Treasure in Our Most Shameful Emotion. “Jealousy is wanting to protect what is rightfully yours,” he says, “while envy is wanting what someone has. We typically have an easier time admitting to jealousy because envy stirs feelings of insecurity.” But the first step is acknowledging that we feel envy, and knowing that we all feel it. “I like to say it’s the universal emotion no one has,” Gressel says with a laugh. “It isn’t a sign something is wrong with you — it’s a sign something is right about you that you’re not claiming.”

2. Ask yourself what's possible

When we embrace it, the grip envy has on us weakens, says transformational coach Julie Chazotte. She advises asking yourself two questions: “What is it that I’m actually wanting?” And, “What story am I buying into about what’s possible for me?” Whatever narrative you’ve had about yourself, there’s a deeper part of you that knows better. Once you reconnect with your self-worth, envy transforms into inspiration. “It’s not really about the object of your envy, but the misunderstanding that you’re not worthy of achieving something similar.”

3. Dodge social media comparison traps

“Social media shows us unrealistic ‘best of all best’ lives that are fully curated,” says psychiatrist Gail Saltz, MD., host of the Can I help? podcast. “Seeing these ‘perfect’ images nonstop makes many of us lose self-esteem and think the solution is having what these people appear to have.” Just reminding yourself that these are snapshots of fleeting moments in time will help you break free of unfair comparisons.

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4. Dial down envy by looking closer to home

We often have mixed feelings about people — including those we envy, says Robert Leahy, PhD., clinical professor of psychology at Weill-Cornell Medical School and author of If Only… Finding Freedom from Regret and The Jealousy Cure. “You may compare yourself to your friend or sibling, but you also have positive feelings toward them, like love or respect. Reminding yourself of these emotions deflates envy and helps you feel more compassionate toward yourself.”

Also smart? Compare yourself to those in your inner circle. “If you’re measuring yourself against, say, the best runner, you’re going to feel inferior,” adds Liz Fosslien , co-author of the bestsellers No Hard Feelings and Big Feelings. “But when researchers asked people to compare themselves to 10 people they know, suddenly they said, ‘Oh, I’m an okay runner’ and their opinion of themselves shot up.” When you widen your perspective like this, it changes how you perceive yourself and motivates you to do your best.

5. Find hidden messages in envy

Sometimes it’s not clear what exactly we’re coveting. “Envy can symbolize so many things,” reveals Gressel. “I had a client who was envious of celebrities on magazine covers. But he said he didn’t want to be these people. It made no sense to me!” That is, until Gressel realized the stars on the covers were literally front and center — they were being seen. This triggered his client’s need to be more visible in his own life. The uplifting ushot? Look deeper into what you envy to find hidden clues to your true desires.

How to Get Over Jealousy and Truly Feel Happy For Others

6. Transform envy into goal-setting

Unlike jealousy, envy can be a great motivator, agrees Dr. Saltz. “You can use it to say to yourself, ‘If I do desire X, I can work toward it by, say, applying myself more, dating more or networking at work more.” Focus on the smallest first step you can take to get there. “This also helps you get more in tune with yourself so that you can pinpoint any areas of your life you may want to improve, or where you may need to build your confidence.”

Indeed, approaching envy with curiosity about how to achieve your goals helps transform the negative aspects of envy into positive ones, assures Fosslien. “For example, I’ve reached out to people whose accomplishments I’ve envied to get their feedback, by asking, ‘Do you have 30 minutes to chat with me about X?’” Most people are flattered to be asked, she promises. "Instead of criticizing yourself, ask yourself how you can learn from what this person has accomplished — this turns envy into emulation and helps you flourish."

7. Savor all that you do have

When we believe that success is reserved for only a few, envy typically rears its head. But when we’re able to recognize that there is enough for everyone, we instantly feel a greater sense of control, assures Fosslien. “Just ask yourself, ‘Do I have enough?’ You’ll likely find that, yes, you’re doing okay,” she says. “Focusing on what you do have boosts your confidence that you can accomplish your goals.”

For more stories on how to dodge comparison traps:

5 Ways to Break Free From Comparing Yourself to Others

How I Finally Stopped Comparing Myself to Others — And 5 Ways You Can Do It, Too

Embrace JOMO — The Joy of Missing Out — to Take Your Happiness to The Next Level