A Bintel Brief , Yiddish for a bundle of letters, has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906. Send yours via email , social media or this form .
We were a bit befuddled by a recent query from a woman at her wit’s end because her retired husband won’t do more household chores. She called him the “king of futzing,” but acknowledged that he does most of the cooking and food shopping, and was “very handy” at fixing things. She wants him to clean her bathroom — they have two — but is also considering hiring a cleaning service.
Bintel was torn, so we turned to our readers. Dozens of you responded, with the wisdom of collective centuries of doing and sharing chores.
Some said the king does enough already and deserves to be left alone. Others saw the scenario as stained by sexism, noting studies showing that husbands fail to do their fair share regardless of who brings home the paycheck. Several women cited their own experience in marriage — and divorce — in support of the advice-seeker.
But the vast majority said quit the blame game, because there’s a simple solution: Hire a cleaning service already!
Beyond the hive mind, we also tapped Jewish tradition. Maimonides wrote in the Mishnah Torah that the highest form of charity is to help someone get a job so they can be self-sufficient, which supports hiring a cleaner. Outsourcing housework is also good for shalom bayit, Hebrew for “peace in the house,” and a Talmudic concept that basically means prioritize the avoidance of small conflicts over figuring out who is right.
Here’s the letter, followed by excerpts from your good advice.
Dear Bintel,
I work full time from home and my husband is retired. It’s driving me crazy that he doesn’t do more of the household chores than he used to.
In fairness, he does most of the cooking and food shopping (although I have to do nearly all the brainwork behind this, making lists, planning menus, etc.). He is also very handy about fixing things and about computers, and he handles bills and finances. And sometimes he steps up out of the blue, like when I decided to start playing guitar and he volunteered to tune the strings.
But the floors would never be vacuumed if I didn’t do it, I do all the management of taking care of our large yard, I do 110% of the care for our dog (he not only doesn’t help but does things that make it harder), I have developed a back problem that requires daily exercise prescribed by a physical therapist … oh, and did I mention I have a full time job and he doesn’t?
I don’t envy him being retired. I enjoy my job and retirement sounds boring to me. Watching him futz around doing practically nothing just confirms this.
But I can’t clean my bathroom anymore because of my back problem and am considering hiring a housecleaner. He cleans his own bathroom (we have two) but not mine. It seems insane that I should have to pay someone to clean when there is an entire adult human in the house who spends three-quarters of his day sitting on the couch reading the newspaper.
Is it reasonable to expect him to do a little more? Or am I the a–hole? And is there anything in the Torah that can guide me?
Signed,
Married to the King of Futzing
Hire a cleaning service
Nu, hire a maid, a garden-maintenance company and a dog walker. He pays. — Nancy Roth
Hire the housekeeper. They will do a better job than your husband, and you’ll both be happier. — Pam Hudson
Since he worked long and well enough to earn retirement, it seems reasonable to me that he should be allowed to buy off his share of the housekeeping responsibilities out of his retirement income so that he can enjoy his “rocking chair” time. — Jan Robertson
‘Tell him to get off his tuchus’
She should tell him to get off of his (fat?) tuchus and help her. Is it just because I am a matrimonial attorney that I find this man’s behavior offensive (and rather dense, to boot)?? Maybe she should stop doing some of the things that she does (for him, and for the household) and see how he feels about it for a little while. She should also start using his clean bathroom for a while, and forget to spray the air freshener. I could go on! — Deborah Kahn
I can sure relate to this situation. I have a husband who will not do — and never has done — most household chores. We’ve been married 40 years, and long ago I gave up trying to get him to be a partner in maintaining our household whether he was working or not. — LR
You have every right to expect your retired husband to do more home-related work than you given your full-time job and back problem. However, you’re dealing with a culture that has always expected women to do the housework. Your husband does so much more than my ex-husband ever did when we both had demanding, full-time jobs and a young child. Given these cultural expectations and your husband’s behavior, you might be much happier if you hire a housecleaner. — Professor Lori Simon-Rusinowitz, Health Services Administration and Center on Aging, University of Maryland
Sounds like Mrs. Futzing is experiencing the resentment that comes with one half of a partnership doing all or most of the emotional labor necessary to sustain their existence. The King actually does more than most husbands do, sad and unfair as that is, but Mrs. having to do all of the mental work and planning is the deeper issue. Equally, the pure selfishness of him to not also clean her bathroom is huge. — Whitney Shulman
‘I’ll take him’
Single woman chiming in: Having an unpaid food shopper/chef/handyman sounds pretty decent to me. If she’s done with him, I’ll take him. — SKA
If your futzing husband does the shopping and cooking, and fixing things around the house, I will take him off your hands. Just put him on a bus, and I will pick him up at the bus station. Problem solved. — Barbara
Get off his back. It sounds like he does plenty! — Chuck B.
Communication is key
Both of us retired 24 years ago at 50. We divide up the household chores. When illness prevents one of us from doing chores the other pitches in. We both live in the same home, we both have the same standards of cleanliness and we both love each other. — Fred Cohen
I retired 18 months ago, and am still finding my way in my new life. In my relationship, we also divided up the tasks, adjusting the assignments as conditions demanded. It sounds as if there hasn’t been a discussion at your house regarding the division of domestic affairs. Until that happens, quit the kvetching and have a nice chat — unless, as it sounds, you would like permission to go full passive-aggressive. — Geoff
It sounds like they should have communicated about their mutual expectations about sharing domestic work before he retired. She apparently assumed he would take on considerably more than he had in the past — but he didn’t. Also there’s a fair bit of contempt for him leaking through her letter. They need help IMHO. — Miriam
You can ask three times. After that it becomes nagging. — Suzanne
Do you have a problem Bintel can help solve, or an opinion about this column? We’d love to hear from you. Email bintel@forward.com .
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