What Suicidal Men's Last Words Reveal About Toxic Masculinity

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The Burden of Utility and Societal Expectations

In the somber aftermath of the 1929 stock market crash, Wellington Lytle found himself trapped in a desolate hotel room in Milwaukee, with merely four cents and a chasm of despair.

Before ending his life, he scribbled a poignant note that resonates even today: “My body for science, my soul to Andrew W. Mellon [the Secretary of Treasury], and sympathy for my creditors.” Even at the precipice of his life, Lytle's desire to be useful lingered.

Fast forward to today, where societal roles have shifted, but the burden of utility on men remains unyielding. Many men find themselves grappling with the term "good provider."

Strangled by societal pressures, they often plunge into detrimental paths—either burning out in pursuit of archaic definitions of masculinity or retreating into the shadows of depression and resentment.

And here lies a harrowing revelation: When the final utterances of men on the brink were studied, words like "useless" and "worthless" were dominant themes.

The Silent Struggle and Alarming Statistics

Despite women grappling with higher rates of depression, young men's suicide rates are staggering 4-times higher. Heartbreakingly, many of these men often suffer in silence, never diagnosed or treated for their inner turmoil.

Richard Reeves, in his enlightening book, Of Boys and Men, illuminates the educational divide that amplifies these struggles.

Men's educational accomplishments have seen a decline since the 1980s, and the repercussions are evident. Men without high school diplomas are increasingly exiting the workforce, not just unemployed but disengaged entirely. It's shocking that this problem, which started unfolding four decades ago, is only gaining attention now.

Reeves proposes an interesting solution: delay school entry for boys by a year to help bridge developmental disparities. At first glance, it might sound controversial, but it's worth noting how our educational system has been adapted to encourage women in STEM, yet left unchanged for boys who might be lagging emotionally.

Redefining Masculinity and Finding Purpose

Despite modern times witnessing a shrinking wage gap, the shackles of old-fashioned masculinity refuse to break. Over 70% of Americans still believe that a man's primary duty is financially supporting his family. This mindset becomes even more entrenched among less educated men, placing them at greater risk of feeling inadequate.

Sadly, 81% of men who've only completed high school or less are entrenched in the belief that they should be the primary earners, in contrast to 61% of their counterparts with a bachelor's degree. This means that those most bound by this belief are at the highest risk of feeling inadequate.

In an ideal world, the essence of manhood would resonate with genuine self-expression. The definition of being a man should hinge on one's authentic self, provided that the journey to self-discovery doesn't trample on others.

But a recent study by the Pew Research Center casts masculinity in a stark light. When both genders were probed about their sources of joy and purpose, women identified several avenues of fulfillment, while men seemed constrained.

From a psychological perspective, those who find purpose in varied roles exhibit high self-complexity. Women excel in this, drawing purpose from roles as caregivers, professionals, friends, and partners. To illustrate, while 43% of women find purpose in their offspring and descendants, only 24% of men feel the same. For many men, their sense of purpose is singular — being a provider.

The Need for a New Masculine Paradigm

While liberals critique men for harboring "toxic masculinity" and conservatives long for the eras of restrictive women's rights, both perspectives miss the mark.

The core issue is that the traditional concept of masculinity was deconstructed without providing an updated version. Jonathan Decker, a therapist, astutely notes that the crux of the issue isn't 'toxic masculinity,' but rather how narrowly we've come to define masculinity.

And what's the net result? We've torn down the pillars of traditional masculinity but failed to provide an alternative blueprint.

In this chaotic void, men, especially the young, are easily lured by influencers who peddle a skewed sense of masculinity—filled with aggression, chauvinism, and bravado. When the marginalized seek a voice, unfortunately, the loudest and most harmful often fill that vacuum.

The underlying truth is grim. Unless we ensure boys and men understand that there are myriad ways to be a 'good man,' we risk pushing them into the arms of destructive influences or internal turmoil.