Source: Courtesy of Samjah Iman / Courtesy of Samjah Iman
“Have a kid,” they said. “It will be beautiful,” they said. And it is. However, “they” didn’t emphasize how essential
self-care is to execute the meaningful yet sacrificial and challenging job of being a parent. Since becoming a mom, I’ve learned that putting myself first is non-negotiable. Because when I’m nothing to myself, I’m nothing to my son.
The more responsibility you have, the more self-care you need.
With more blessings comes more responsibility. And the more responsibility you have, the more self-care you need. In a world that expects Black women to be the help instead of receiving it, it’s a brave act for me (a Black woman/mother) to declare that putting myself first allows me to show up as a mentally healthy, dynamic mother.
“Black women, particularly those who are activists or caretakers, are socialized to be strong — to a breaking point,” said Georgia State professor Stephanie Y. Evans in an interview with GSU Magazine . “We suffer disproportionate violence and are also charged with actively changing the systems and social environments that abuse us. Many Black women are experts at developing road maps for stress management and inner peace in a way that is useful for those struggling to find a balanced relationship with themselves and with society.”
Source: Courtesy of Samjah Iman / Courtesy of Samjah Iman
Before having my son, making sure I was intentional about myself was effortless because it was only me. Then, when I was blessed with a partner and a child, my world was flipped upside down. My usual activities, such as
yoga ,
journaling , and hanging out with friends, got lost in the shuffle of
spousal life and
parenthood . It seemed I only had time for my responsibilities and nothing else. I slowly morphed into one of those women I said I would never be – the super wife and mom who only identifies herself as such, failing to realize that while those things are integral parts of her orbit, they are not her entire sphere.
As a new mother and wife, my once-cherished yoga practice became sporadic, hanging out with friends seemed impossible and me-time was a foreign concept that I couldn’t figure out how to fit into my crammed days. I felt myself drowning in my new duties, thus grappling with self-neglect. After spiraling for a few weeks, not feeling like myself and even becoming resentful, I knew I had to make some changes.
Prioritizing Self-Care as a Mom
On my journey to find my center (i.e., me) again, I started by changing my morning routine . I have never been an early riser, but I knew that if I wanted to get a consistent yoga workout in without any interruptions, I had to do some things differently. It’s been over a year since I’ve been doing my 6:30 a.m. yoga practice, and the quiet time in the morning is just what I need to have a moment to myself, gather my thoughts, meditate, and partake in mindful movement.
According to New York Times bestselling author, podcaster, and media maven Mark Sisson , “Developing a morning routine allows you to assert your own authority over the day. You take charge of your own work-life balance by, in effect, paying yourself first. Too many of us do it the other way around and are left with no time and energy to invest by the time we get to ourselves. As a result, too many people end up feeling at the mercy of their work and family demands. Responsibilities overwhelm, and they end up continually stuck. When you lead with your own peace and well-being, however, much more is possible. Something essential changes when you begin directing your day rather than responding to it.”
Source: Courtesy of Samjah Iman
It’s sometimes hard to find the time to do the things you once loved before having kids. But I make it my business to seek out time. And when that doesn’t work, I don’t hesitate to tap into my small village to ask for help.
Source: Courtesy of Samjah Iman
What Self-care Looks Like for Me
While some mothers have grand villages or the resources to spend on childcare or nannies, others don’t. But this doesn’t mean that those of us who aren’t millionaires can’t find little pockets of peace here and there to keep us sane.
When the math isn’t mathing, and I can’t take a trip or have an extravagant dinner with my girls, I find joy in the little things. I catch a local event or walk around the park while listening to my favorite playlist. I may also take a long bath or snuggle up with my favorite snack and a good book while my child is napping. Sometimes, I put my son to bed a little earlier or allow him some extra time on his iPad so that I can catch a juicy television show while sipping on some wine. Above all these things, I make sure I journal my thoughts/feelings or have someone to talk to when I’m having an overwhelming moment, day or week.
Source: Courtesy of Samjah Iman
Caring for yourself is vital to being a successful mother. Of course, there’s never enough time in the day, but we have to tap into our creativity to find moments to love on ourselves. The more you take care of yourself, the better you’ll be as a parent.
Like renowned Essence magazine editor-emeritus Susan L. Taylor once said to me in an exclusive interview – “You have to give yourself to yourself before you give yourself away.”
Take care, mamas – literally.
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