Help, My Movie Bombed! Again!

Dear Remy,

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I’m reaching out from a place I hoped I’d never revisit. You might know me as an actor who also produces movies (I believe the kids call it a ‘side hustle,’ though I take my second line of work very seriously).

My career got off to a phenomenal start back in the ’90s, but then I was derailed by a public and painful movie flop. After that, it felt like I entered every room preceded by a cloud of farts. It took years to crawl out of that crater and rebuild my reputation, but I eventually did.

Fast forward to the streaming age, where I found new success producing and starring in several projects that garnered decent acclaim.

But just when I thought I had finally left those dark days of the ’90s behind—along with Tamagotchis and low-rise pants—lightning struck twice.

My latest venture has tanked horrendously, and it’s like reliving the nightmare from 30 years ago. Except it’s worse because in 2024, anyone can be a reviewer. The internet has allowed everyone, including bots, to tell me just how big of a turkey I’ve unleashed on the world. The viewership metrics are dismal.

I’m not sure if I have the strength to endure another resurrection. The self-doubt, public scrutiny, and industry whispers are all too familiar, and not in a good way. I was recently at dinner at Chateau Marmont, and the people at the next table—cast members of Love Island US—asked to be moved. I have sunk that low.

I’ve weathered storms before, but this one feels different, more personal. The stakes are higher, and the comeback seems more daunting. I need your renowned wisdom and perhaps a bit of your no-nonsense tough love to navigate this crisis.

Looking forward to your insights on how I can turn this disaster into something I will eventually laugh about over Negroni Sbagliatos at the next awards season.

Best,

Your favorite Hollywood comeback kid

Dear Comeback Kid,

Your resilience is inspiring. Navigating Hollywood’s ups and downs once is an achievement; doing it twice is heroic. Your story has more twists than a Hitchcock thriller, and I have no doubt you’ll turn this latest flop into another success story.

To get you back on track—and smelling of Boadicea aftershave once more—let’s focus on a few key areas:

1. Analyze and Learn: Have you pinpointed what went wrong? Was it the script, direction, marketing, or something else? What valuable lessons can you take away from this experience?

2. Network and Feedback: Have you reached out to your industry contacts for feedback or support? A fresh perspective from a trusted colleague can provide the insight needed to turn things around. Also, consider engaging directly with your fans for feedback – they can offer surprising support and insights. You can ask them to confirm their non-bot status by asking for their feedback in video form or get them to pick out all the traffic lights in a grid of nine.

3. Passion and Self-Care: Is there a project that truly excites you, something you’ve always wanted to do? Now might be the perfect time to dive into a passion project. And don’t forget, you are your biggest asset. How are you taking care of yourself through all this? Think about scheduling a mani-pedi or a sound bath.

Your story isn’t over; it’s just starting a new chapter. Hollywood loves a comeback, and you’ve already proven you know how to stage one. Keep those creative wheels turning, and remember – even the biggest stars have faced flops. It’s how you rise from them that truly defines your legacy .

Looking forward to your next blockbuster,

Remy

On Second Thought, I Want My Old Lips Back

Dear Remy,

Hollywood is all about reinvention, and I’ve had my share: laughter lines erased, sagging jawline lifted, and regular lipo post-40. If the Fountain of Youth had a frequent flyer program, I’d be platinum status by now.

I’ve always said, “Your body is like a car: maintain it regularly (just don’t overload the trunk).” But now, my girlfriends are jumping on the ‘plastic surgery reversal’ trend. Authenticity is the new black, and it’s reached our faces.

This has me in a dither. Should I reverse my surgeries too? A friend in her 50s had all her fillers removed, and the press fawned over her like she’d cured world hunger. She got a huge role the next day—as a grandmother to someone ten years younger, but still, a job’s a job.

Could this trend boost my career? On the other hand, am I brave enough? Once I reveal my undoctored face, there’s no going back. It’s a real ‘Pandora’s Face’ situation.

Then there’s the practical side: reversals are tricky, unpredictable, and, let’s be honest, painful. I’ve grown fond of my Botox-free, tea-sipping Tuesday afternoons, not swollen and bruised with regret.

So, Remy, should I join the trend and rediscover my natural face or stick with my sculpted youthful look? I need your wisdom on balancing staying current with staying true to oneself.

Yours, with a wrinkle or two,

[Name withheld to protect the perfectly imperfect]

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Dear Perfectly Imperfect,

Ah, the classic Hollywood dilemma: to face-lift or to face reality? It’s like choosing between a gluten-free kale salad and a double cheeseburger—each has its merits, depending on the day and your mood.

Let’s delve into the trend of plastic surgery reversal. Do you think this shift towards authenticity is more about a true embrace of natural beauty or just another performance? The industry loves a good narrative, and what’s better than a star embracing their natural beauty after years under the scalpel? It’s the plot twist that keeps the audience—and the casting directors—hooked.

You’re right to consider the reality of reversing surgeries. It’s not like returning a dress to Neiman Marcus. It’s more like trying to unbake a cake. Sure, it can be done, but there’s bound to be a mess. And let’s not forget the recovery. Are you ready to swap those Botox-free tea afternoons for ice packs and Netflix marathons?

Here’s the core of the matter: Hollywood will always have a new trend. Today it’s natural beauty; tomorrow it might be alien chic. The real question is, what makes you feel like the leading lady of your own life? If your sculpted visage gives you confidence and joy, why change it? If the idea of unveiling your natural face excites you, shouldn’t you go for it? The industry respects authenticity, but isn’t the truest form of that being comfortable in your own skin—whether it’s touched by time or a talented surgeon?

So, my dear, as you decide whether to reveal your natural look or maintain your enhanced appearance, ask yourself: are you doing it for you or for the fickle applause of the red carpet?

Yours in ageless wisdom,

Remy

Forever Almost Done: My Screenplay Saga

Dear Remy,

Do you ever have unfinished projects hanging over you? You seem like the sort of guy who has everything together, with an organized desk and a deadline never missed—but try to put yourself in my shoes for a minute.

My dream is to be a screenwriter. My mom still talks about the time I wrote a credits list on paper towels at age 8, proudly showing it to everyone until my brother used it to mop up some Gatorade.

That dream never died, though I got sidetracked by a career as a film executive. I know, I should be happy with my success and salary, but I feel I owe it to the little boy who begged for a vintage typewriter at a yard sale (only to find a mouse living inside).

Here’s the rub: I never finish a screenplay. I get 80% done, then freeze. It’s like making a cheesecake without frosting or building an infinity pool without a ladder. My latest screenplay is a spaghetti Western with dragons (Game of Thrones meets The Good, the Bad and the Ugly). I wrote 167 out of 190 scenes and even went to a cabin to finish it. But instead, I thought of new scripts: a musical during the Warsaw uprising, a comedy about selling billboard space on the moon, a biopic about Carrot Top.

Maybe I’m too comfortable in my executive role to have the fear I need to finish. Should I quit to put a fire under myself?

Yours,

Unfinished Epiphany

Dear Unfinished Epiphany,

Do I have unfinished projects? Let’s just say my summer sock drawer has seen better days.

You’ve got the dream and the drive, but what’s tripping you up at the finish line? Is it the comfort of your executive role? It’s a cozy spot, no doubt. But quitting cold turkey might be like jumping into the deep end of that infinity pool without knowing how to swim. Do you really need that drastic of a push?

Have you tried setting smaller, manageable goals for yourself?

Can you carve out dedicated writing time without retreating to a cabin in the woods? And how about accountability—could sharing your progress with a trusted friend keep you on track?

Think about this: What would that little boy with the vintage typewriter and a murine friend want you to do? Sometimes, it’s not about burning bridges but building better habits. Can you find a balance that lets you finish that screenplay without setting your career on fire?

Stay creative, stay committed, and most importantly, stay true to yourself.

Yours in finishing touches,

Remy

Remy Blumenfeld is a veteran TV producer and founder of Vitality Guru, which offers business and career coaching to high performers in media. Send queries to: guru@vitality.guru .

Questions edited by Sarah Mills .

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