Ever heard the phrase, "You have to look out for No. 1?" No. 1 is supposed to be you. However, people-pleasers don't see it that way. They're often at the bottom of their priority list—if they're even on it in the first place.
" People-pleasers can be aware of their own wants and needs, yet still place the wants and needs of others above their own," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "These individuals will often find it difficult to say no and consistently try to acquiesce to the wants of others."
These qualities can develop in childhood. On the surface, these people sound selfless and may even get some satisfaction from making people happy. However, Dr. Goldman says the feelings are temporary, and too much selfless behavior leaves you with nothing but crumbs for yourself. No one benefits from that.
"Over time, it can lead to more complex emotions such as resentment, disappointment and inadequacy," Dr. Goldman says.
Individuals who were people-pleasers in childhood often grow up to exhibit the same traits. Psychologists shared the telltale signs that a person was a people-pleasing child and what to do if that person is you.
Related: People Who Moved at Least Once During Childhood Usually Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
What Is a People-Pleaser?
Let's start with some context.
"A people pleaser is a person who often walks into encounters feeling inferior to others," says Dr. Connally Barry , Psy.D. , a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks . "They feel there is an inherent deficit in their worth compared to others, so they are compelled to go the extra mile to preserve the relationship. People-pleasers are rewarded by this continued security in the relationship."
Except they're not.
"Their self-sacrifice naturally creates an inequitable effort within friendships and can further cause damage to their self-esteem as they ignore all their own needs, ambitions and even their health," Dr. Barry says. "Ironically, this tendency to people-please is considered an undesirable trait in friends and hinders their ability to create genuine connections."
Related: 7 Signs You Were Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents, According to a Psychologist
12 Common Traits of Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers,' According to Psychologists
1. Conflict avoidance
Conflict isn't fun, but relationships can grow from resolution. Folks who grew up as people-pleasers may never allow it to reach that point.
"Disagreeing with other people can be threatening for people-pleasers, and is usually avoided as much as possible," Dr. Goldman says. "Conflict means they might be disliked, at odds with a friend and seen as being difficult. As a result, people-pleasers avoid conflict as much as possible to remain in good standing."
2. Difficulty setting boundaries
Boundaries are not unkind—they protect you and others. However, people-pleasing kids often continue to have trouble setting boundaries as adults.
"As children, people-pleasers learned to prioritize others' needs over their own to gain approval," says Dr . Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D ., a licensed psychologist in Texas. "As adults, they struggle to establish and enforce personal boundaries because they fear rejection or disapproval."
3. Anxiety
Anxiety can have various root causes, but a history of aiming to make others happy at all costs could be one of them.
"People-pleasers are always having to think about what the other person wants from them, making sure those needs get met and doing whatever they can to please that other person," Dr. Goldman says. "This is an overwhelming and anxiety-provoking task. It also is anxiety provoking never to know if the person is satisfied enough."
4. Go with the flow
Sometimes, this trait can be a good thing. However, it can be toxic if it comes from a relentless desire to satisfy the needs and wants of others.
"People-pleasers need to be able to comply with the wants and needs of the other person," Dr. Goldman says. "As a result, they generally lack strong opinions (or might have them but do not verbalize them), are easygoing, and often apologize if they do something different that does not align with the wants and needs of the person they are trying to please."
Ultimately, hiding your true self can be a barrier to genuine relationships (and downright tiring).
5. Empathy
Folks who grew up as people-pleasers and carried these tendencies into adulthood aren't inherently "bad humans." One silver lining is that these people will display increased empathy and emotional awareness toward others.
"Because of a people-pleaser’s nature, they have a tendency to notice and tend to the feelings of others," Dr. Barry says.
It's just important to honor your feelings too.
6. Dependence on external validation
The desire to please everyone can lead someone to seek constant approval from others, even as an independent adult.
"This dependence makes it difficult for them to feel confident and secure in their own decisions and actions," Dr. McGeehan says. "This is the person keeping up with trends but doesn't know what they actually enjoy wearing and doing."
7. Highly sensitive to criticism
Even the slightest, most gently put constructive criticism can leave someone who grew up as a people-pleaser spinning.
"Due to their deep-rooted need for approval and fear of disapproval, people pleasers tend to take criticism personally," Dr. McGeehan says. "They may become highly sensitive to any negative feedback, viewing it as a validation of their perceived inadequacies. Therefore, they crumble anytime they receive anything other than wholehearted approval."
Related: 17 Phrases To Respond to Constructive Criticism, According to Psychologists
8. Insecurity in relationships
People-pleasers want everyone to like them (naturally). However, relationships can be fraught.
"They are sensitive to the slightest change in tone or action as these will cause them to feel as though they are being rejected," Dr. Barry says.
9. Chameleon-like behavior
People-pleasers can attempt to look and sound like everyone, completely losing themselves and their identity.
"This submissive stance also causes problems in romantic relationships as they tend to end up in abusive relationships," Dr. McGeehan says.
10. Suppression of own desires
People-pleasers prioritize meeting other people's expectations, stuffing down their needs and wants in the process.
"As adults, they might find it hard to identify or prioritize their own goals and interests," Dr. McGeehan explains.
When working with clients with people-pleasing tendencies, she often has them choose a child's toy they would've liked when they were little from a rack in her office.
"This is a way of reconnecting to a lost part of themselves who wasn't allowed to be a child," she says. "It also tends to be one of the more challenging homework assignments I give, and folks tend to take a few months to actually do it."
Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm Your Inner-Critic, According to Therapists
11. Chronic guilt
Sometimes, people-pleasers step outside themselves and try to set a boundary. Their internal monologue can almost make them feel like this tiny victory was a loss.
"If a people pleaser does set a boundary or verbalize their own want, they feel guilty or uncomfortable afterward," Dr. Goldman says. "This generally comes with questioning of self...or regret in the form of 'I should have never...'"
The source of this guilt is the person's lack of experience in setting boundaries and putting themselves first. When you can draw on past experiences of setting boundaries, such as instances where the person respected your boundary (or didn't, but you survived), taking vital self-care steps doesn't unleash guilty feelings.
Related: 11 Phrases To Respond to Guilt-Tripping and Why They Work, According to Psychologists
12. Low self-esteem
This one is common and could be a root cause of people-pleasing behavior in kids and adults.
"A people-pleaser often finds their worth in how they can be of service to others," Dr. Barry says. "As a result, they have a lack of confidence in their own worth."
Related: Psychologists Are Begging Families to Recognize the Most Common Form of Gaslighting—Plus, Here's Exactly How To Respond
3 Tips for Overcoming People-Pleasing Traits
1. Take a beat
Pause, stall or do whatever you need to avoid acting or responding in the moment.
"We are likely to agree to other things without even thinking if we want to do it or not," Dr. Goldman says. "Therefore, pause, shift the conversation away to something else for a moment. Take the time to figure out what you want before just automatically defaulting to, 'OK.'"
Dr. Goldman suggests starting small, such as in one area of your life.
"For example, at work, I always pause before agreeing to take on a new task," Dr. Goldman says.
You might try, "I want to say yes, but let me think about the bandwidth I have for this right now."
2. Learn to set and maintain boundaries
This one is a biggie.
"Setting boundaries is crucial for reclaiming your own space, time, and well-being," Dr. McGeehan says. "It helps you prioritize yourself and establish healthier relationships based on mutual respect. It's also the cornerstone for healthy self-worth."
She recommends identifying your needs, values and limits.
"Practice saying no to requests or situations that do not align with these boundaries, even if it means disappointing others temporarily," she recommends.
3. Focus on self-validation and self-care
External validation seeking is a hallmark of people-pleasers. However, true validation and care start from within.
"Building self-validation and self-care habits helps you cultivate a stronger sense of self-esteem and reduces the need to seek external validation," Dr. McGeehan says. "It empowers you to prioritize your own happiness and fulfillment."
Practice self-compassion and affirm your own worth, regardless of what others think.
"Engage in activities that nurture your physical, emotional and mental health, such as hobbies, exercise, meditation or therapy." Dr. McGeehan says.
Next: This Shockingly Simply Habit Could Make a Huge Difference in Your Self-Esteem, According to a Life Coach
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