Emotional immaturity is kind of…everywhere. There’s the emotionally immature parent who punished you for displaying emotions or relied on you for emotional support. There’s the emotionally immature partner who lacks self-awareness and has a low tolerance for frustration. And we could go on and on with references to friends, bosses, etc.
Dealing with people who treat you this way can feel impossible, like a lose-lose situation. How can you be fair to yourself, while staying patient with them, while possibly trying to help them handle life? It’s hard.
In a bit, psychologists will share specific tips on how to deal. But first, let’s get clear on what we mean by “emotional immaturity," as well as phrases to avoid so those outbursts are less likely to happen.
What Does Emotionally Immaturity Look Like?
So what is emotional immaturity, exactly? Dr. Sanam Hafeez, PsyD , a New York City neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, says it's "characterized by a deficiency in emotional growth and the incapacity to handle situations with the maturity expected of an adult.”
Certain experiences (or a lack of them) can contribute to this. For example, someone may be emotionally immature if they didn’t have emotion regulation modeled for them as a kid, or if they experienced trauma that stunted their emotional development.
Dr. Hafeez and Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC , a trauma-informed therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse , share what emotionally immature behavior can look like:
- Struggling to express anger or irritability in an age-appropriate way, which can look like throwing tantrums, sulking or withdrawing emotionally
- Struggling to express love or adoration in an age-appropriate way, going overboard with it
- Avoiding difficult situations and overwhelming emotions
- Having difficulty focusing on their own understanding or experience, and instead sharing opinions about other people in a judgmental-sounding way (AKA gossiping)
- Struggling to take responsibility for things they’ve done because that level of vulnerability makes them uncomfortable
- Tending to not ask others questions, and instead focusing on themselves for extended periods without checking in or even seeing if the other person is listening
- Having trouble communicating effectively, which can lead to frequent misunderstandings and conflict
- Seeking constant reassurance and validation
- Blaming others for their difficulties
If you’re around these behaviors, Dr. Kelley adds, you may easily feel disengaged, bored or mentally and physically drained. So if those words ring a bell, give yourself some love: You’re in the same boat with many other folks.
Also, while some of those characteristics may sound a lot like narcissism, the two aren’t quite the same. “The emotionally immature person is generally not malicious or wanting to harm others in order to elevate themselves,” Dr. Kelley clarifies.
Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Narcissism That Are Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists
7 Phrases to Never Use With an Emotionally Immature Person
No matter the age of the person you’re dealing with, saying the phrases below can be unhelpful for both you, the other person and the relationship, as they can cause hurt feelings and arguments.
1. “I wish you would understand.”
The unfortunate fact of it is they probably won’t understand. “Essentially, asking them to understand you is like asking someone who speaks a different language to learn your language immediately,” Dr. Kelley says.
It’s totally fair that you want a loved one to understand your point of view or what you’re experiencing, though. You may just have to choose a different person to lean on. “It is normally going to be healthier and more advantageous to seek out internalized approval or the support from others who are able to focus externally more effectively,” Dr. Kelley continues. Maybe that person is another friend, a therapist, a family member or even someone in an online support forum.
2. “Why can’t you just grow up?”
Dr. Hafeez explains how this phrase can be both condescending and dismissive. “It implies that their behavior is childish without offering constructive feedback, which can lead to feelings of shame and resentment rather than promoting positive change,” she says.
Side note: Shame often has the opposite effect as intended, leading to decreases in prosocial behavior .
Related: 8 Phrases That Signal a Person Is Feeling Shame, According to Mental Health Pros
3. “I don’t agree with you.”
To be clear, it’s good and healthy to express your opinions, disagree respectfully and not just automatically agree with someone. But with an emotionally immature person, otherwise-helpful phrases like this can sometimes just make the situation worse.
“Disagreeing with them will likely result in unhelpful conflict and, for some, add fuel to the fire,” Dr. Kelley explains. “This is because some emotionally immature people find it exciting or validating to engage in levels of intimacy that can come with conflict.”
Instead, she recommends not discussing those high-conflict issues with the person or remaining neutral with them.
4. “Just get over it.”
This phrase is unhelpful for similar reasons as “Why can’t you just grow up?” as it “minimizes their feelings and suggests that their emotions are not valid or important,” Dr. Hafeez says. “For someone struggling with emotional maturity, such a dismissive statement can deepen feelings of inadequacy and frustration, making it harder for them to process and move past their emotions.”
Rather, consider reflecting their feelings and showing empathy , or encouraging them to talk to a therapist.
5. “Please don’t tell anyone this, but…”
An emotionally immature person is not one who will necessarily keep your secrets. “This is because they often find it easiest to relate with others when they can talk about the happenings of the people around them as opposed to reflecting inward on themselves,” Dr. Kelley explains. She encourages sharing only the things you’re okay with other people knowing.
6. “You always overreact to everything.”
Besides just not being nice, this phrase is invalidating. While people may feel tempted to say things like this to blow off steam, it can also exacerbate the situation. “Instead of helping them see the need for emotion regulation, it can lead to defensiveness and further emotional outbursts,” Dr. Hafeez says.
Some emotion regulation techniques that can help someone experiencing big feelings include participating in activities they enjoy, engaging in positive self-talk and preparing to cope proactively next time.
7. “It’s all your fault.”
Many times, blame is shared among multiple individuals to some extent. But that’s not the only reason why this phrase is one to avoid.
“Placing all the blame on an emotionally immature person can be overwhelming and counterproductive,” Dr. Hafeez says. “This phrase can make them feel attacked and cornered, leading to increased defensiveness and a lack of willingness to take responsibility or engage in problem-solving.”
7 Other Tips for Dealing With Emotionally Immature People
1. Let go of expectations
Dr. Kelley believes the most important thing to keep in mind is “they may not be able to change in the ways that you need them to in order to make the relationship healthy.”
Even if they change somewhat through therapy or self-help, she continues, it probably won’t be to the extent many of us would need. “No matter the work they do, they may always lag behind others who tend to have high levels of emotional maturity and intelligence,” she says.
2. Practice active listening
This technique can help people feel understood and validated (unlike the phrases above). Dr. Hafeez says it can look like listening without interrupting, acknowledging their feelings and responding thoughtfully.
“By practicing active listening, you can show empathy and understanding, which can help defuse tense situations,” she adds. “This approach can help them feel more heard and may encourage more mature communication.”
Related: Want to Display Your Active Listening Skills? Try Using These 33 Powerful Phrases
3. Stay calm and composed
When witnessing an adult’s tantrum or watching them unfairly shift the blame toward you, you may feel tempted to argue or act out. That’s understandable— and staying calm and collected in those moments is crucial, according to Dr. Hafeez.
“Reacting with frustration or anger can escalate the situation,” she says. “Model the mature behavior you wish to see.”
4. Encourage self-reflection
While judgmental-sounding phrases are a no-go, as mentioned above, there are gentler ways to help the person long-term. For example, in a less direct way, encourage them to analyze their behavior and its impact.
“Ask questions that prompt reflection and allow consideration of alternative solutions,” Dr. Hafeez says. For example, you can ask “And how did that go?” in a nonjudgmental tone.
“This can foster greater self-awareness and emotional growth over time,” she explains.
5. Set boundaries
Instead of trying to fix or change the other person, focus on yourself. The healthiest option, Dr. Kelley says, is asking yourself what you need and what boundaries you want to set. For example, you might tell them you need space or aren’t okay with the way they're treating you.
“It is not your responsibility to fix or change their ability to connect with their emotions; rather, it is their journey alone,” she adds.
Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros
6. Offer positive reinforcement
An encouraging word can go a long way. In fact, positive reinforcement works “exceedingly better and faster than punishment,” as noted in Behavior Modification .
“Positive reinforcement can motivate emotionally immature individuals to improve their emotion regulation and interpersonal skills,” Dr. Hafeez says.
She adds this might look like acknowledging and praising progress or changes (no matter how small!), celebrating successes and providing other kind words that build their confidence and self-esteem.
7. Work with a therapist
Talking to a mental health professional is always a smart idea when you’re struggling or want extra support, whether in receiving guidance or feeling heard. While you can’t make the emotionally immature person do this, you can encourage them to, or go yourself. It can help you cope with the challenges you face dealing with that person, Dr. Hafeez says, by addressing underlying issues and establishing healthier coping skills.
All in all, while there are many phrases you shouldn't say to an emotionally immature person—or anyone, really—there are a lot of psychologist-backed tips that can have a positive effect too.
Next up: 11 Phrases That Emotionally Immature People Often Say, According to Mental Health Experts
Sources
- Dr. Sanam Hafeez, PsyD , a NYC neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind
- Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC , a trauma-informed therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse
- Do Guilt- and Shame-Proneness Differentially Predict Prosocial, Aggressive, and Withdrawn Behaviors During Early Adolescence? , Developmental Psychology
- Reflect Feelings Instead of Problem-Solving , Through the Woods Therapy
- Emotional Regulation Skills , DBT Tools
- Behavior Modification , StatPearls
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