Establishing boundaries and protocols before a big family trip can set you up for your best vacation yet.
Even the most unbelievable experiences in picturesque places can crumble in the face of family discord.
How can you enjoy a sunny day on the beach when you’re trying to dodge your parents’ intrusive questions? Or a visit to an ancient historical site, when you have to broker peace between your adult siblings? You could argue that all vacations come with their own forms of stress, but there’s something about traveling with family members that can be especially challenging.
That said, establishing boundaries can help.
“Setting boundaries on vacation with family is crucial because it helps manage and align expectations, ensuring that each person’s needs and desires are considered,” said Rachel Goldberg , founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy in Los Angeles.
It may seem like an intense step for just a simple vacation, but Goldberg says boundaries “help maintain respect for individual preferences, prevent resentment, and promote a harmonious atmosphere where everyone can enjoy the experience.” In other words, it can actually be the recipe for a perfect getaway.
Maximize your happy memories by setting clear boundaries for personal space, budgets, and other expectations before traveling with your loved ones. This will help ensure everyone gets what they want out of the trip in a way that’s loving and respectful. Here’s how to do it:
Before Traveling
Tackle a few logistical conversations before you leave for the vacation.
Talk about money.
It may be uncomfortable at first, but agreeing on a budget should happen before you make any reservations. If you’re splitting the cost of a rental house or deciding on a hotel, it needs to fit in everyone’s price range. Same goes for restaurant reservations, amusement park tickets, and any other planned events.
Discussing the budget in advance “can prevent misunderstandings and financial stress,” said Natalie Rosado , founder and owner of Tampa Counseling Place in Florida . “Agree on how expenses will be shared and what the overall spending limit will be.”
Goldberg suggested involving all family members in the decision-making for the trip, to ensure “shared responsibility.” Maybe host a family meeting to “clearly outline spending limits for different aspects of the trip, such as dining, accommodations, and activities.” That way, no one will feel excluded.
Communicate trip goals.
People think of vacations in different ways, and their plans reflect that. According to Channing Richmond , a licensed marriage and family therapist at the online therapy service Octave: “When you create plans, you’re not just planning what you want to do — you’re planning on how you want to feel and what you want to experience.”
For example, some people might want to find adventure on vacation, while others are planning on calmer, more restorative activities. “Like so many things in life, these expectations and intentions are often unspoken, and don’t become clear until a situation has escalated,” she explained.
To help, Richmond recommends that everyone communicate specific activities and/or goals they want to do or accomplish on the vacation.
Rosado suggested you actually sit down and “create a list and prioritize to ensure that everyone’s interests are considered. This can help avoid conflicts and ensure a balanced itinerary.”
Understanding where everyone is coming from — and what they want from the trip — will help everyone be happy.
Discuss the kids.
Kids can make any getaway more fun — and more complicated if more people are around. Stop conflict before it starts by having a frank discussion about the kids before you leave.
Rosado recommended ensuring “all adults are on the same page” when it comes to the rules and consequences for children, including who is allowed to discipline whom, and how (if anyone else is allowed to discipline at all). The same goes for preferences and rules: If you prefer bedtime to be at a certain hour, make sure your grandparents or siblings know this.
And if you want older siblings to help out with their younger brothers and sisters, Goldberg suggested offering incentives “such as extra screen time or treats.” It is vacation, after all.
Schedule breaks.
Traveling is all about go, go, go, so it’s important to decide in advance when everyone will get a break from activities — and from each other.
Little kids in particular are prone to “fatigue and overstimulation,” said Goldberg, who suggested giving them “regular downtime to prevent meltdowns and conflicts.”
But kids aren’t the only ones who need to recharge. Rosado encouraged everyone to take personal space during the trip, whether that means going on a walk, reading a book, or simply resting in your room alone.
“ Plan and agree on periods of downtime where everyone can do their own thing,” she said. “This can prevent exhaustion and reduce the likelihood of conflicts arising from spending too much time together.”
During Your Trip
Flexibility is key when you're traveling with others.
Take turns being the decision-maker.
Just like elementary school kids take turns being the line-leader for the day, so you and your family should pick one person to be the decision-maker. Rosado recommended you each “communicate your preferences clearly and listen to others” when deciding on an activity or a restaurant.
If that doesn’t work, Goldberg said to find places with many options to satisfy everyone. This might look like taking a beach day with water sports available, so some people can go swimming and others can read on the sand. Or choosing a restaurant with a diverse menu so you can all get what you want (even the kids!).
Be flexible.
Traveling with other people is all about compromise. In order to have harmony on your trip, Rosado encourages you to acknowledge and respect other people’s preferences and be as flexible as you can for the benefit of the group.
“Acknowledge that boundaries can change and be willing to adjust them as needed, maintaining open communication to ensure everyone’s needs are met,” Rosado said. This includes maintaining a positive atmosphere while “reinforcing the importance of respect and adaptability.”
Stay calm.
Even with thorough planning, things can go wrong during a trip ― it’s par for the course. If you find yourself in the middle of a heated moment, Richmond suggested pausing and doing a quick breathing exercise. Only then should you try to communicate your boundaries.
“ When you state your boundaries from a calm place, you can be more direct,” she explained. “Though there is no guarantee, this can help you be clearly understood, and [it’s] more likely that your boundaries will be respected.”
If someone brings up a topic you don’t want to address, or prods you with invasive questions, Goldberg suggested telling them the following: “I appreciate your interest, but I’d prefer to keep this part of my life private for right now.”
And when all else fails, Richmond reminds clients that “no” is a complete sentence. She’s not wrong.
“Although setting and communicating boundaries can be difficult, it’s worth it,” Richmond said. “It takes effort to assess boundaries, it takes courage to share them with others, and it takes discipline to continue to assert them — but despite the effort, it’s worth it.”
Nobody wants a fractured vacation because they can’t get along with family. With a few boundaries (and tons of communication!), you can have the trip of a lifetime.
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