Stephen Colbert to Trump: ‘If you want to steal Biden’s thunder, all you have to do is drop out’

Late-night hosts talk Kamala Harris memes, the new phase of the presidential election and Donald Trump ’s disappointment over positive coverage of Joe Biden .

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert checked in on a warp-speed news cycle on Tuesday evening. Less than two days after Joe Biden stepped aside as the Democratic presidential nominee and endorsed Kamala Harris, the vice-president secured enough delegate endorsements to win the Democratic presidential nomination. “She became the presumptive nominee in 48 hours!” the Late Show host exclaimed. “To put that in perspective, it’s been more than three years, and we still don’t have a new James Bond. By the way, Joe is available. Looks good in a tux!”

Democrats plan to hold a virtual nomination by 7 August. “If that feels fast, remember: it just makes us more like other democracies,” said Colbert, noting that campaigning lasts only five to six weeks in the UK, and no longer than two weeks in France. “So we’re not rushing, OK? We’re just doing this election Euro style. We can all fill out the ballot with a baguette while sitting on one of those toilets with the butt fountain.”

Harris’s nascent campaign broke a single-day fundraising record, with 1.1 million individual donors in the first 24 hours; 60% of those donors were making their first contribution to the 2024 cycle. “First of all, welcome to democracy, my friends,” said Colbert. “Your donation comes with a great reward: a thousand emails saying ‘Stephen, I’m asking you one last time.’”

Related: Stephen Colbert on Biden dropping out: ‘Courage, grace, humility, true patriotism’

“Voters are motivated, clearly,” he continued, noting that on Sunday night, Harris raised $1.5m in a phone call attended by more than 44,000 Black women.

Donald Trump, meanwhile, is “jealous about how everyone’s talking about Joe Biden’s patriotic and selfless sacrifice for the greater good,” Cobert joked. On Monday, the former president posted on Truth Social: “Wow, just watching the Fake News, and they’re doing their very best to turn the Worst President in the History of our Country into a ‘Brilliant and Heroic Leader’.”

“Well, Donald, if you really want to steal his thunder, all you have to do is drop out,” said Colbert. “Imagine how mad that would make the Democrats!”

Complicating matters, Trump once donated $5,000 to Harris’s re-election campaign when she was running for attorney general in California. “Or, as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Bombshell: Kamala Harris Took Money From Convicted Felon!’” Colbert joked.

Jimmy Fallon

On the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon delighted in memes of Harris, particularly those involving the Charli xcx album Brat . “It seems like voters are excited by the idea of having a president who knows when their iPhone flashlight is on,” Fallon joked.

“Kamala is a hit, and I think I know why,” he continued. “She’s way younger than Trump and wears less eyeliner than JD Vance.

“Trump is so panicked, he was wiping away sweat with classified documents.”

In response to Harris breaking the 24-hour fundraising record for her campaign, Fallon deadpanned: “Kamala raised $81m in 24 hours. She would’ve raised even more, but Melania hit her daily withdrawal limit.”

And Beyoncé is allowing Harris to use her song “Freedom” for her campaign. “You can tell Trump is jealous because he just asked Lee Greenwood to learn the ‘Single Ladies’ dance,” Fallon joked.