Lisa Kudrow Leads the Time Bandits in Apple TV+ Series Premiere — Grade It!

A 1981 Terry Gilliam fantasy film has received a modern streaming series makeover courtesy of creators Jemaine Clement, Iain Morris and Taika Waititi, as the new Time Bandits reboot arrives on Apple TV+. (The first two episodes are streaming now; this recap covers the premiere only.)

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The show takes the film’s basic concept – a young English boy named Kevin joins up with a group of time traveling thieves – and puts a new spin on it, while also incorporating familiar elements like the movie’s stand-ins for God and the Devil, the Supreme Being (played by Waititi) and Pure Evil (played by Clement).

In the premiere, we meet Kevin Haddock (Kal-El Tuck) on his 11th birthday and he’s absolutely psyched, even as his family is far less enthused. That’s because Kevin is a rather obsessive history buff, who selects Woodhenge – “a neolithic precursor to Stonehenge” – as his birthday destination, while his dad, mom and sister do nothing to hide their boredom and disinterest with. Kevin’s dad even scoffs about Stonehenge, Kevin’s intended trip for his next birthday, as simply being a pile of rocks with a gift shop.

Kevin’s laser-focused adoration for ancient history has made him a loner, as both his family and classmates make it clear they care nothing for the facts he tells them — even if those facts include explaining that some scholars believe the Maya played a version of soccer with the severed heads of their enemies. Which I’d argue is a pretty interesting fact, honestly!

In the midst of painting models and playing Risk (against himself), Kevin notices his wardrobe briefly rattle one day, which escalates soon after when the wardrobe shakes hard enough to move and sand begins to pour out. Kevin opens the wardrobe and is shocked to see a beach where the back of the wardrobe should be.

On the beach, he sees a Viking warrior pursued by Saxons, and when Kevin retreats back into his bedroom, the Viking follows, shutting the wardrobe behind him. Kevin runs to his parents for help but they ignore him, with his dad insisting he had a dream. Back in his room, the Viking is still there — until the entire wall of the bedroom opens up to reveal a riverbed, where the Viking’s small boat is waiting. Kevin decides he is going to accompany the Viking on whatever adventure awaits, but the wall shuts itself before he can join him.

MEET THE BANDITS | As Kevin drifts off to sleep at night, the wardrobe opens and a group of five people begin wandering around his room, speaking to each other about how they’re fleeing from someone they call the Supreme Being. When Kevin shines his flashlight at them, they briefly believe he is this Supreme Being, cowering in fear and quickly naming Penelope (Lisa Kudrow) as their leader and the one who stole “the map.”

Once they realize Kevin is an ordinary child, they’re both relieved and indifferent to him, unfurling their large map to figure out where they need to go in order to steal a horse. Kevin gets Penelope to explain that his bedroom is something called a time egress, which she describes as “a transtemporal portal and an extremely dangerous place to live.”

They are interrupted by the Supreme Leader bursting through the wardrobe — personified as a huge, floating, glowing blue head with three different faces angrily yelling “Return the map!” One bandit, Bittelig (Rune Temte), exerts some notable strength, pushing the wall of Kevin’s bedroom hard enough to make it fall forward and collapse, revealing a huge vertically aimed hallway beneath them. The Bandits leap down the hallway and Kevin, fearing the Supreme Being, jumps in as well.

If you’re familiar with the 1981 Time Bandits film, this scene stands out as the one most directly paralleling what occurred in the movie. From Kevin’s flashlight initially terrifying the Bandits to the boy exclaiming “It’s never done that before!” when his wall pushes forward, a lot of beats in this sequence directly echo what happened in the film more than the rest of the premiere.

A PIRATE’S LIFE FOR KEVIN | Kevin and the Bandits end up crashing down onto a boat, and Kevin learns about a fallen member of the team, Susan, who they seem to all have held in high regard. Kevin’s knowledge of history quickly helps, as he recognizes a Chinese pirate flag belonging to Madame Chung, informing everyone they are in Macau in the year 1810, as Chung is in the midst of the final battle between her forces and the British Navy.

The supposed — but frequently mistaken — map reader of the group, Widget (Roger Jean Nsengiyumva), attempts to find the group another portal, noting they’re trying to get to 1200 BCE. In the midst of this, the group begin grabbing any loot they can from Chung’s ship. Penelope informs Kevin that the map helps them travel throughout the universe, including time, space, good, bad, and “all the dimensions — one, two, three and four!”

They’re interrupted by Chung and her men, and Kevin is surprised the bandits are able to speak Cantonese, until he is given a translation cap, letting him hear what Chung is saying as though it were in English and allowing her to understand him in return. Chung threatens to kill them all, but once again, Kevin’s knowledge proves vital. He surprises Chung by bringing up a plan she’s been considering on where to hide from her enemies — which he knows she is destined to succeed at — convincing her it will work.

With Widget having figured out where the next portal is, Chung agrees to drop them off — quite literally, as this portal is located in the ocean beneath them. Penelope is happy to leave Kevin behind until Chung is intrigued by keeping him as her soothsayer, which convinces Penelope to bring the boy along, and they all leap into a vortex of water below.

STONEHENGE: ORIGINS | When the bandits and Kevin reach their next destination, landing on a grassy field, Penelope is disappointed to learn from Kevin he can’t actually see the future in the way she and Chung assumed. He just knows a lot about history from books.

Kevin is overjoyed to realize they have landed near Stonehenge — as it’s being built ! Kevin finds the man in charge, excited to ask him what Stonehenge’s actual purpose is. However, he’s then deflated to find out it has no greater purpose, it’s just a “venue for hire” that can be used for anything. It’s a landmark for its own sake, complete with a pre-planned gift shop! While Kevin is disappointed that his dad was right, he also still insists Stonehenge is pretty cool, regardless.

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With the next portal the bandits need not open until the next day, the group camp out for the night, and Kevin is given a quick rundown on his new companions.

• Penelope reveals she has a broken heart thanks to a fiancé who’s gone missing.

• Judy (Charlyne Yi) is the team’s master psychologist (though when she tells Kevin he’s sad and he retorts that this is the happiest day of his life, she stresses she’s new at this).

• Alto (Tadhg Murphy) is a master of disguise, with a background in acting.

• Master map reader Widgit insists he neither likes nor trusts Kevin.

• Bittellig boasts “the strength of seven average-strength men.” So not quite Hulk-level strength, but it’s something!

The group also explains a bit more about what happened with the Supreme Leader and how he was their boss but never appreciated them. They stole the map and now he can’t easily find them without it. Kevin tells the bandits he thinks it isn’t cool to steal and especially uncool to steal from history, leading Penelope to say they’ll bring him back home once they steal the horse.

EVIL IS AS EVIL DOES | Meanwhile, in a hellish landscape, the ornately dressed being known as Pure Evil sits on his throne, met by his lackey, Damon, who has been spying for him within the Supreme Being’s sky citadel.

Damon has big news, informing Evil that the map, which Evil refers to as the blueprints for the universe, has been stolen. Evil is thrilled, noting that while he is unable to steal the map from the Supreme Being (a name he can’t say without gagging), he may be able to take it from these others. Evil notes that once he has the map, he could create a universe of pure evil, imagining a world where rats eat cats and some people would have eyes in their buttocks, amongst other fiendish possibilities.

Damon tells Evil he overheard the Supreme Being saying he was going to find the map in a place called Bingley, 2024, causing Evil to call for someone named Fianna the Huntress.

HORSE PARTY | The bandits reach their intended destination at last and when Kevin sees it’s Troy, he instantly realizes the horse they want is the famous Trojan Horse. He notes it’s far too large to steal, something Penelope has to admit is correct when they see it in person.

However, when Widget informs them the next portal they can use is inside the walls of Troy, their only option is to hide inside the horse with the Greeks planning their ambush — under the guise of being appreciative tourists who endorse the Greeks’ plan.

Everything nearly goes awry when two sentries, noting how suspicious the horse is, set it on fire. But everyone inside is saved when the sentries’ superior interrupts them, insisting the horse is a gift from a losing army who want to pay tribute to their great battle skills. The horse is brought inside the walls, over the objections of the legendary Cassandra (Zoë Ventoura), who tries to warn everyone it will bring about the downfall of Troy.

With a few minutes until they need to use the portal, the bandits split up to steal what they can. Kevin meets Cassandra, surprised to learn she is real and not just a myth, and the two bond over their shared knowledge of what’s to come and how they can be overlooked or ignored by others. Cassandra tells Kevin he’s important and will do many great things – and that he needs to stick with the “stupid thieves” because he will save the universe in the process. She also tells him they will see each other again.

Kevin meets back up with the group, all of whom inadvertently stole vases and nothing else. Penelope is annoyed when Kevin reveals he stole nothing, as he reminds them he thinks stealing is wrong, cementing her decision to bring him back home.

Back at Evil’s palace, Fianna (Rachel House) arrives, revealed as a suitably intimidating-looking demonic woman. Evil tells her she must lie encased in rock for thousands of years, waiting to strike in Bingley, 2024. When she does, she should destroy anything that gets in her way, since Evil presumes that whoever stole the map must be master geniuses….

They bandits would be flattered by this description, Evil, but you’re a bit off on this assumption.

What did you think of the first episode of Apple TV+’s Time Bandits? Grade it below and sound off in the comments!

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