How we met: ‘I thought straight away he was someone I wanted to marry’

In 1988, Meenakshi was enjoying life in Mumbai after finishing university. “I worked for a market research company, so I’d travel around the country conducting focus groups.” She regularly returned to Chennai, where she was from originally. “I had a friend there who I’d always visit, but she was leaving to study in the US, so I went to say goodbye.”

That’s where she met Sankar, via a mutual friend who lived in Chennai and worked at the Japanese Consulate office. “He came to her house to say goodbye while I was there,” says Meenakshi. “He was very softly spoken and chatty, and seemed like a really nice guy.”

Sankar says Meenakshi was bubbly and energetic and “very attractive”. Before leaving, he gave her his phone number so they could meet up if she ever travelled to the region again.

When Meenakshi returned for work two months later, she gave him a call. “I was at a loose end so we agreed to meet for dinner, which was really lovely,” she says. They had “a great conversation” and she found him fascinating. “I thought straight away that he was someone I wanted to marry.” She got home and wrote him a letter to explain how she felt. “Everyone asks me why so soon, and it’s a hard question to answer. I come from a culture where arranged marriages are common, so it’s not outside my reality,” she says. “He also came across as a very centred and non-egotistical person. I could see myself growing old with him.”

While Sankar also enjoyed their date, he admits he was shocked to get her letter. “I thought, ‘Wow – this is really fast.’ I phoned her to say I really liked her, but I wasn’t sure about getting married yet.” Meenakshi suggested they spend the next few months getting to know each other better before he made a decision.

“We kept talking and, as time rolled on, I realised it was right,” says Sankar. “She completely believed in a future for us. I thought, if someone believes in me so much, I’m ready to take the plunge.”

They met up in Chennai and talked through some of the practicalities of being together. “He worried I might struggle to fit in with his family as I was very culturally modern at the time, with my own job and living alone,” says Meenakshi. “We also come from different caste groups and we didn’t know how our families would react.”

Callout

Sankar remembers Meenakshi being “very open-minded” and sure about everything. “She wasn’t worried that I was earning less money than her, she was incredibly chilled. I knew she was being honest and that made me think we should go ahead.”

When they told their parents about their plans to marry, they did have some reservations. “Meenkashi’s family are of the Brahman caste and we are not. Our families were educated, middle class and city-living, but it still affected choices when it came to marriage,” says Sankar. “But it only made us more sure we wanted to be together.”

Meenkashi’s parents also worried about how her grandparents would react, but they were very happy. “They were really proud of me for helping to bring to life Gandhi’s dream of a no-caste India,” she says. Sankar’s parents also accepted the marriage, and both families attended the wedding that November.

The couple lived together in Chennai and their daughter was born in 1993. When she was two, Sankar’s father died and they moved in with his mother to help support her.

A few years later, they met up with friends who had moved to New Zealand to work. “They suggested we do the same thing,” says Meenakshi. “At first we weren’t sure because of Sankar’s mother, but then some of his other siblings returned to Chennai to care for her.” They visited New Zealand in 1997 and loved it, and decided to apply for work visas the following year. After a rocky start where they struggled to find employment, Sankar completed a masters in public policy and found a research job at the ministry of social development. Meenakshi also found work in policy research.

They’re now settled in Wellington, and love the outdoorsy lifestyle. “It’s not as hectic as big Indian cities,” says Sankar. “We feel this is home.”

He loves that his wife always has his back. “She brings energy to everything she’s doing and has a great sense of humour,” he says.

Meenakshi believes her life with Sankar has turned out exactly as she hoped. “I just know that he’ll always be there and support me unconditionally.”