You be the judge: should my boyfriend apply my suncream for me?

The prosecution: Filippo

I asked Leo to help me put on suncream. He did, but so half-heartedly I got burned

I go to the beach only two or three times a year, as I burn easily and hate my phone and food getting dirty. But when a friend invited me and my boyfriend, Leo, to the seaside on a rare sunny day recently, I wore a long-sleeved shirt and thought it would be fun. After we arrived and Leo had put sunscreen on himself, I said: “I hate the stickiness on my hands. Can you put it on my legs, please?”

But Leo told me I should do it myself and “get sticky”. I asked again and he eventually helped put sunscreen on half my legs really quickly. Later, I discovered that I was really burned, and had patches like a leopard. Leo was concerned, but I thought it was kind of his fault. But he said: “Are you serious? You’re not a child.”

Leo said applying cream to my legs was ‘awkward’, but we’ve been together five years and live in a liberal country

I hate the feeling of creams on my body. They sit on my skin and don’t really get absorbed. When my mum used to ask if I could help her rub cream in, I would never do it. Leo knows this. And he was covered in sunscreen, his hands were already sticky at the time, so what difference would it have made for him to help me? He also knows that I hate the beach and usually go just to be with him, so him helping would have been a small reward.

Leo said applying cream to my legs was “awkward”, but we have been together for five years and live in a liberal country. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t help. Most people don’t think we are a couple. We don’t hold hands or show affection in public, but we’ve always been like that and it’s perfectly fine for me.

It’s not as if I stood up and demanded help in front of everyone – we were sitting next to each other when I asked, and my knees were up and perfectly placed. But Leo gets a bit stuck in his ideas when he doesn’t want to do something. I’ll ask why and he just says, “No, because no.”

The defence: Leo

If you are a grownup and can reach an area, do it yourself. He wanted me to do his legs – that’s weird!

When Filippo asked if I could put sunscreen on, I assumed he meant his back. But when he insisted on me doing his legs, I said, “Why do you need me to do that for you?” He said he didn’t want his hands to get sticky. But obviously no one likes getting their hands sticky. If you’re a grownup, you can reach the area of skin you want it on and are capable, you should do it yourself. It’s embarrassing otherwise. I think it’s weird to put sunscreen on someone else’s legs. He’s not a baby.

Related: You be the judge: should my grown-up son help me move out of our house?

Filippo said he was going to ask our friend to help on the beach, but I didn’t want to drag her into it. He was severely burned a few hours later and it looked really horrible. I told him it was ridiculous that he took a health risk because he didn’t want to get his hands sticky. He blamed me, but I’m not responsible for his wellbeing.

I don’t have any internalised homophobia, I just really didn’t want to do it

Filippo thinks I feel self-conscious on the beach, but it was very crowded and there was a high chance of people seeing me put sunscreen on his legs. I don’t have any internalised homophobia, I just really didn’t want to do it and was annoyed that he was pushing me. I didn’t deliberately do it badly in the hope he would burn. I just wanted to get it over with. If you don’t want to put sunscreen on, don’t go to the beach. Don’t complain if you’re not going to look after yourself.

I do get that Filippo burns easily. He also can’t swim and goes to the beach mainly for me. So I guess my helping him would be a “small reward”, as he calls it. That makes sense. But in the past, he has refused to put sunscreen on because he wants to get the “first burn”, which he believes will fade to a tan. I think this is dangerous but he doesn’t listen. My only responsibility is to tell him to put on sunscreen, but I won’t force him. I’m not his parent. When he gets sunburnt, a little bit of me thinks that’s his punishment. Maybe it will help him learn.
Names have been changed

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The jury of Guardian readers

Should Leo help Filippo slap on the factor 50?

Filippo is an adult and should take care of his own sun protection. At the same time, Leo should appreciate Filippo’s compromise of going to the beach with him. Give and take is vital in a relationship and they should both be kinder to each other.
Clare, 66

By not agreeing to apply sunscreen, Leo is being controlling. I have a relative who hates the feeling of sand on her body and asks for help applying sun lotion to her legs. If you love someone, you sometimes have to indulge their foibles – even if they are no longer 12!
Belinda, 64

Suncream is not the issue here – there are plenty of spray sunscreens on the market. By allowing himself to get burnt, Filippo has acted like a child. Perhaps he feels Leo isn’t giving him the attention he feels he deserves? Nonetheless, as an adult, Filippo is responsible for his own self-care.
Jon, 57

I see both sides here, but on balance it was Leo’s stubborn refusal to help that led to Filippo getting burnt. If Filippo had never previously mentioned an aversion to creams, wasn’t only at the beach to please his partner, and Leo wasn’t already covered in cream, I’d judge differently.
Laura, 32

Filippo’s request is a cry for attention. It’s nice to make your partner feel appreciated, even if their requests are irritating. If Leo had behaved more graciously, perhaps Filippo would stop acting up to seek attention.
Katharine, 32

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: should Leo help Filippo slap on the sunscreen in public?

The poll closes on 1 August at 10am BST

Last week’s result

We asked whether Tiger should work for her boyfriend Theo , as he funds her lifestyle.

14% of you said Theo is guilty
86% of you said Theo is innocent