America’s Top Spokescouch Breaks Silence on J.D. Vance Scandal

The community of sofas and sectionals denies the slanderous rumors connecting the nation’s favorite furniture to the likes of J.D. Vance.

That couch, like America, did not choose to be associated with that man. He just ended up in a seat he doesn’t deserve.

We’ve seen all your “loveseat” and “pullout” jokes, and it’s about time you all start treating us couches with the value bestowed upon us by our sticker price.

Sure, some are free on the side of the road, but some of us are worth tens of thousands of dollars. And, it’s usually not that easy to get us back to your house.

As I’m sure you all know, the relationship between a couch and its owner is sacred. Admit it, you all yearn for us every day. Even at work, you’ll find yourself craving our sweet embrace.

Imagine if it was your couch being talked about like this. Would you want everyone to know about the crumbs you’ve swept under us? Or the spills on us that you hide with pillows?

We provide for you. We are loyal. We give a home to couch surfers and couch potatoes alike. We offer a bed to spouses in need. And this is what we get in return?

We will do whatever is asked of us–as many of you have recently learned. We hope you at least understand why we’re sometimes covered in plastic.

And you’re not so innocent yourselves. You’ve pushed us up against walls, heaving and mumbling expletives under your breath. Maybe, before you start judging, try stepping inside somebody else’s living room.

We are couches, we are not objects. We don’t exist purely for your benefit and pleasure. We don’t deserve to be written about on tabloids and Facebook Marketplace. We’re not defined by words like “used” or “stained” or “free if you can pick up.” We hold stories, and love, and small change, and one of your airpods, and we deserve better.

Read more at The Daily Beast.