I’m a stay-at-home-mom and my husband won’t give me money

When one person is doing paid work and the other is working in the home, it can make for a tricky power balance if you don’t have trust in your relationship, or a joint bank account.

Couples with this set-up manage money in all kinds of ways.

They might pool everything with both people having equal access, they might have a joint account for household and kid expenses plus their own personal accounts, or they might keep everything completely separate which can work as long as everyone agrees.

Jacqui*, a stay-at-home mum who gave up her work to raise kids, has found herself stuck in a hard financial spot.

She’s always used her husband’s bank card to withdraw money, but recently, he’s taken the card back and refused to give her any extra cash.

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“Last month he said he needed to start saving, so he’d transfer an amount to me, and if I ran out I could ask,” she said on advice forum, Mumsnet .

Jacqui feels awful in this situation – she’s lost her independence, and her husband has control over her spending.

“Having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.”

With 10 days to go until the end of the month, Jacqui found herself with $60 left. She’s based in the UK and the kids are on school holidays, so she’s spending more on day-to-day activities.

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“I told him I need more. He said no.

“He said there’s food in the house, that we can go to the park and not pay to do things.”

When Jacqui argued further, he threatened divorce.

“He’s saying it’s my fault for not being careful enough with my budget, but that’s just how much things cost.

“Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids to the farm or to a café, but even so, to take the card and tell me I can’t have more money??”

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Commenters on the forum said Jacqui was being abused.

“He’s being financially abusive and intending to leave you,” one person said. “I suggest you leave first with the children and claim benefits.”

“Is the house in both names?” asked another person. “If he doesn’t want to be with you, tell him to go. You can make a claim for benefits and get an advance. Make sure you claim child maintenance too. He’s financially abusing you.”

Others questioned whether the budget Jacqui’s husband had set was fair.

“I think budgets are sensible. No one can just spend and spend if you need to save,” said one person. “Did you both look at the budget and work out if it was enough to cover shopping and petrol? Maybe you need to sit down and work through it. No excuse, but it can be quite a bit of pressure being the sole earner.”

“We don’t know how the budget was calculated, how the money was spent, and how tight things are,” said another. “The reality is that pretty much everyone has to set some sort of budget and save up for larger purchases.”

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