French Olympian Anthony Ammirati’s Manhood Costs Him A Spot In Pole Vault Final

Anthony Ammirati sure does put the “pole” in pole vaulting. When the Frenchman was flying through the air at the Summer Olympics, I’ll bet the crowd’s reactions were analogous to those classic daisy chained sequences of phallic innuendos from the Austin Powers franchise.

Even the commentators couldn’t get over the 21-year-old’s well-endowed being as Ammirati quite clearly committed a foul on his vault because of his, well…

Cue it up…

As if the Olympic Village isn’t already enough of a hyper-sexual environment. The silver lining for Ammirati is that his big secret is out if it wasn’t already, and there’s still about a week for him to hang out (literally) and capitalize on his blessing before Tom Cruise reportedly does another death-defying stunt to end the Olympics.

Olympic athlete. Huge hog. Twenty-one years old. Sounds like a tough life for our guy Anthony Ammirati. Oh, and he can serve as a local tour guide in Paris to fellow visiting Olympians? And he has the sympathy factor for his Olympic woes, since the foul cost him a spot in the pole vaulting final? Yeah. It’s over. No stopping Ammirati in his pursuit of, shall we say, happiness to put it delicately.

The reactions to Ammirati’s infraction — I refuse to call it “unfortunate” in the long run — are fantastic, as you’d expect.

What do you think, gentlemen readers? Would you trade the heartbreak of falling short in the Olympics for the world knowing how much meat you’re packing? Tough call. To invoke the Austin Powers franchise again, Sir Michael Caine does famously say in Goldmember, “It’s not the size, mate. It’s how you use it.” So to bring this full circle, maybe the Olympic podium would be better overall.

Since he’s only 21, the good news is Ammirati should have a legit shot to get into the 2028 Summer Games in Los Angeles. To be real for a second, it is a bummer that he couldn’t have a better showing in his native country.

But hey, I have a feeling Ammirati will be just fine going forward. All he needs to do is fine a way to tuck that thang in a little further and he’ll be fine. I’m sure he pulled off countless successful vaults leading up to the Summer Olympics. Maybe we blame the Olympic uniform for not keeping the package in place well enough. Worth looking into as he gears up for a run at the next Summer Games.